Marilyn Monroe is Sabotaging Me



I often get up to some ridiculous and random things with my friends. This past Friday night was no exception!

Ms E had seen a psychic show advertised and considering we are fascinated by them (with equal parts of cynercisn and optimism), we decided to go check it out. 

So along with Ms K (who is probably 98% cynic) we went out for pizza, gelato, wine and psychics – “these are a few of my favourite things”. 

We arrived late and the show had already started. What rude biatches, they would have known we were on our way….surely?!?

The psychics could not have looked more stereotypically psychic like. One had a Fleetwood Mac vibe with long blonde stringy hair that looked like it hadn’t been trimmed since 1986 and was wearing a purple velour jacket. Another had a flowy top with sequins on and was clutching a crystal ball. The last was wearing a pink sparkly kaftan, a long hair piece ponytail and came out dancing and clapping together what I assume were chakra sticks. Oh this will be fun!!

Both of the psychics were complete rubbish and clearly fraudsters of the Mentalist variety! They moved through the room picking people that they were supposedly drawn to and asked question after question, generally guessing the wrong things as the subjects continually said ‘no that’s not right’. 

But Purple Velour was not a psychic, she was a Feng Shui expert. Ok, I’m listening….

I’ve read about feng shui a bit, but frankly it all sounded a bit too ‘moonbeams, rainbows and mung beans’ for my liking. Purple Velour gave us a talk about using feng shui for love, particularly what not to do and it seems that Ms E and I are single because of our decorating style. Obviously. Why didn’t we think of that?!?

So things that are bad: 

White in the bedroom – too crisp, cool, not warm enough for luuuuuuurve. However, I may be offsetting this one as apparently reds, pinks, purples and golds add warmth and passion and I have lots of purple cushions on my bed. Lots. Too many perhaps. 

Cluttered bedsides – apparently I’m doing well with matching bedside tables and lamps, but the fact those bedsides are generally full with candles, my laptop, iPad, books, jewellery etc it is bad, bad, bad!

Not making the bed – I pretty much make the bed most days, but there is the odd occasion I leave it as is. No more!

Odd numbers – everything should be in a pair. No odd numbers as that attracts being single rather than being part of a couple. Now I have a lot of candles that are lone soldiers, but I also have many sets of three. If this tip was really that powerful, I can’t understand why I’m not having more threesomes. Ok. Any.

Sleeping with an ensuite door open – drains energy from the bedroom apparently. Must shut that tonight!

Images of single women – surrounding yourself with images of single women projects what you want to be. Fail! I have this painting of Marilyn Monroe looking all gorgeous and sexy in the living room which I love, but clearly she has been ruining my love life!! I also have these retro champagne posters in my hallway – featuring women all alone (although they too are sexy women). The suggested fix for this was to display pictures of a happy couple. Ms K at this point asked if I’d like a massive wedding photo of her and her husband to display on her wall. Ummmmm thanks but…..

Tv in the bedroom – this always comes up as a passion killer, but I adamently disagree! I actually love my bedroom, I’ve always thought that it has quite a relaxing, comfy vibe and it’s nice to lay down and watch a movie in….particularly with spooning….particularly with ice-cream spooning too. Ooohhh what a fantasy….

Anyhoo, Maz is staying on the wall as I love, love, love her. What’s the worst that could happen? Some sexy buxom blonde comes into my life?!? I’m willing to take that chance!

But I did clear my bedside tables and remove my threesome candles from my bedroom this morning before leaving the house.

I also googled some more feng shui tips during a lull in class at uni today. Apparently if I turn on both my bedside table lamps at the same time every night, leave them on for at least 3 hours and turn them off at the same time every night for 27 consecutive days, my unicorn will instantly appear! 



Speed Dating – the Best Way to Meet Chicks

Dating couple scene, love confession

I’ve been speed dating a number of times over the past 6 or 7 years and I’m starting to think I have a memory disorder as each and every time I’ve said NEVER AGAIN afterwards….but there has always been another time. Well, NEVER AGAIN!

Yesterday I just happened to look at a speed dating site and saw that there was a session running that night that had one female place left. I had no plans and it was meant to be a ‘Successful Professionals’ session which sounded right up my alley, so I thought why not?!

I remembered why not when I arrived. Nothing makes you feel more like a giant as a 5’10” woman than speed dating. The event might as well have been a ‘Garden Gnome’ session as most of the men were pocket sized.

There were only two adult sized men there. Candidate No.1 was my first date of the evening and didn’t play his cards close to his chest at all. Our 8 minutes together flew by really quickly and by the end of our speed date he told me that we’d be continuing this chat later when we match. Well, I do like a man with confidence and he did have quite a nice expressionful face, so ticked Yes next to his name on my match card.

The other tall guy, Candidate No. 2 was wearing a bright blue shirt, perhaps to stand out from the crowd. A few years ago when I went to a lunchtime speed dating event, one of the guys was wearing a bright pink shirt. Every girl commented on it and certainly remembered him so it was well played on his behalf. I matched with that guy at that event and later when google stalking him found out he ran some kind of dating coaching business that gives advice to men. So I guess he was at the event for research/practice. We never went out after that….

Anyhoo, Candidate No.2 was quite nice looking with a really cheeky smile and his name was Lachlan. At one stage my psychic was telling me that my future husband was named Lachlan but I’ve never actually dated one, so I thought ooooh here is my chance! The conversation soon moved on to what we did for work and he soon revealed he was an actor with about 4 jobs to support him when he isn’t acting. Hmmmm I hope my disappointment wasn’t too obvious on my face when he revealed that….

But he was nice and funny and I thought I might as well tick his box as a yes.

The rest of the dates were mostly just nice friendly chats. It’s amazing how fast 8 minutes can fly past when on these dates, especially considering when microwaving food 2 minutes seems to take a lifetime! There was a veritable smorgasbord of undesirable men to pick from, ranging from the labourer/landscape gardener with a mohawk (how is that successful professional?? Or the actor for that matter…), to the real estate guy that seemed a little special the poor love, to the guy with the creepy moustache that looked a bit like he would be a rapist.

BUT as always happens to me at this things, I met some great chicks! There were 3 women there that I had some great chats with and they would be awesome wingwomen. So we all swapped numbers and it’s likely I’ll line up a date with them, so the night was not a total bust.

Today when the match email came through from the company, I had matched with Candidate No.1 but the only other guy I ticked out of the 11 guys, Candidate No.2 had obviously not ticked me. Oh well! I don’t have a good track record with actors anyway.

The email also told me that I must have been a good date as over 70% of the men at the event ticked yes to me, so I’m now an ‘Elite’ member. I was feeling pretty chuffed with myself for that….until I realised that most of those guys were complete losers that likely ticked yes to everyone just to give them the best chance possible of scoring a date. They probably play Tinder by just swiping right for everyone too.

But again I have come to the conclusion that speed dating is not for me. Those that have a Top 5 / Top 83 list of criteria for dating will never find success with a generic event like that. After the speed dating wrapped up we all went downstairs and more and more info about everyone came spilling out. Some of the men were serial speed daters having been to many events and Candidate No.1 has 3 children, which you all know I don’t dig at all so I won’t be pursuing that match.

I did search the speed dating company’s website for a session that appropriately met my criteria, but there were unfortunately no ‘Unicorn’ sessions…..