Things That Make You Go… No.

I was perusing Plenty of Fish (POF) again the other night. I know I’ve said it before, but it is hands down the worst online dating site. Why do I continue to look there? It is also often the most amusing.

I receive a message from a new guy so I check out his profile and notice that he only has one pic up. I’m usually immediately deterred by that, but I was intrigued by his beard and hairy chest as I have a weakness for the manly man. In hindsight his moustache is a little creepy though….

We get chatting and it’s mostly about food, particularly a shared passion for burgers. Well, well, well, I think we are going to get along just fine…

It’s getting late but he asks if he can call me as he is feeling ‘too lazy to type’. Uh huh. I don’t really want to give him my number just yet, so I say goodnight and leave it at that.

He messages first thing in the morning and is keen to chat again, but I’m keen to actually see a pic of him before going any further. I ask him to upload another pic to his profile. It’s amazing how a sexy shirtless, bearded, hairy chest man can suddenly turn into this…

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out. Stupid hat.

I sent the first pic to my friend Mr B and he replies “No face? No Nipple?” I then send the second pic and his response is “Oh that’s so depressing”.

YES!!! He knew he was leading me on with Mr Sexy before revealing Mr Goofy.

New dating rule. Always ask to see face AND to see nipple within 10 messages or less!

Ok, maybe not. But it would feel right at home amongst my list of other random criteria that leads to a yes or no decision when I’m online dating. Other highlights include:

Dumb Face – Just like some women suffer from ‘bitchy resting face’, many men seem to possess ‘duh yep’ face.

Creepy Face – I once worked with someone that was a bit of a weird character and when I told another colleague that they had left, that person said “fuck I’m glad he is gone. He looked like the type that you would go around to his house and there would be ears in his freezer”. Many, many men on Tinder look like ear collectors….

Bad Teeth – I know many a supermodel has made a career with gappy teeth, but I just can’t do it. Nor missing teeth, rabbit teeth, tiny teeth, no teeth…

Short Head – I think I have perfected predicting a man’s height by the size of his head to about a 96.48% accuracy rate. Yes, most probably think head size is not proportional to height. I disagree.

Reflective Clothing – Yes I know, I know….so judgey.

Smokers – I love when smokers include a pic of them flamboyantly sucking on a ciggie or blowing smoke which they obviously think makes them look très cool. No, it doesn’t. Glad we sorted that out early. Swipe left. This also includes the occasional/social, trying to quit smokers. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Lazy Typers – There is absolutely no excuse for typing ‘u’ for ‘you’ anymore. None. Nada. Ok, maybe if you are still using a Nokia 5110 and have to press the 7 key 18 times to get the u. Actually then I wouldn’t date him either as he clearly is a tight ass with tech…

Kids – Firstly I don’t want to date someone with kids, but even so I find it a bit wrong to be including pics of kids in dating profiles for the world to see. Good parenting there…

Outside 15km – As if my soulmate would live that far away. Seriously. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Ok I lie, I usually only search 10km….

Gamers – No. You’re an adult. Stop it. Now.

Motorbikes – Hate them. I once had a very, very embarrassing experience with one whilst on holiday. Never doubling on one again. Plus guys that ride bikes are a different breed I find.

Car Unenthusiasts – Yep, I’m making that a word. If a guy refers to cars as ‘just something to get from A to B’, I’m out. Irreconcilable differences.

Unusual Spelling of a Traditional Name – Ok it’s not their fault i know, but I can’t marry a redneck…

Vegetarians – One word. Bacon.

Non Drinkers – I fear they would be appalled by how much time I spend in the bath drinking wine. And how much wine…

Camping – It’s just dumb.

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My Game of 1-100

I have a theory that the men that display bad dating behaviour, you know, things like planning a second or third date with you but ghosting before it happens, do so because they have so much choice. They can easily and quickly meet women near them via Tinder and you can be supposedly ‘upgraded’ and cast aside before you know it.

It’s definitely due to the man drought. Yes, there is a statistically proven man drought in Sydney where women in their 30’s outnumber men, but that’s just accounting for quantity. Compounding the drought impact is that the men that we do have access to are largely of the quality that you wouldn’t even take an Uber ride with, let alone go on a date with.

I never hear anyone say “oh I have this single guy friend who is so smart and nice looking, so funny, has his shit together, wants to meet a nice girl, but just can’t find one”. NEVER. But you hear it all the time about great women looking for a nice guy and I know a number of them!

I’ve met a lot them whilst doing things like speed dating, via this blog and even through Tinder. Yes, the strategist in me decided one day to check out the women on Tinder to see what my competition was like and I ended up befriending a girl. Sure there are a lot of train wreck duds on there, but there seems to be A LOT of quality women too. Dang it…

It appeared that men have an abundance of good options at their disposal if they just take a little time swiping through the occasional lady dud. I assume guys would have a high swipe right strike rate, perhaps they are even at risk of RSI, but I estimated that I swipe right less than 2% of the time.

So when I restarted my Tinder account to find Mike, I decided to put it to the test and play the 1-100 game from Sex and City. In the ep Carrie and Charlotte are sitting at a table outside a cafe and for every man they see walk past, they note down whether they would want to sleep with him based on first impressions.

As I swiped though the Tinder profiles, I screen shotted each of the men and decided based on their first pic only if I would swipe right or not to them. It took less than 15 minutes to get through 100 profiles (those in the pic, blurred for some privacy…) and I was quite surprised by the result.

Out of those 100 men, if I only got to see that one pic I would have swiped right to 14. Maybe Tinder was serving up the most popular profiles because it thought I was a newbie and needed to be wowed, but I was really surprised by liking 14% of the guys.

Of course, although first impressions are a strong factor in dating, it is not everything. I’m not shallow enough / I’m far too picky to make life decisions on just one pic. In fact, if a guy only has one pic I swipe left as I assume that they randomly nailed that one hot pic and they look nothing like that photo. Maybe I have trust issues….

Of those 14 guys, after further investigation into the rest of their profile only 6 continued to hold my interest. I matched with 5 of those 6, but 2 never bothered chatting, 1 was too short, 1 had kids, the last was boring as shit.

From 14 to 0 in record time. The drought continues….

Return of the Mike

Remember Mike? The missing potentially eligible bachelor? A couple of weeks ago as I was rapidly flicking through Tinder, I saw a familiar face flash across my screen. As often happens when you have swiped left 86 times in a row, it is very hard to stop the momentum.

So his profile was gone. Again. Forever….

Ok maybe not. I wasn’t talking to anyone interesting in my matches chat window and curiosity about Mike got the better of me. I restarted my Tinder profile and got back to swiping, but a little more cautiously than before.

It took a good few days of on and off swiping through likely a thousand or more guys, but I eventually saw his profile again.

When I was first talking to Mike he had one profile pic up. We were exchanging phone numbers to line up a meet, but I would have needed to see more than one pic before I decided to do that of course. I’m still scarred from all those bad teeth incidents…..

Anyhoo, his profile now had three pics. And the two new ones were bad. Very bad. In one he was wearing sunglasses. Yes, this is very common with online dating as most people look hot in sunglasses. Most, but not all…

But these were little John Lennon type glasses. So bad. So very bad. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

Before I swiped left I noticed something else didn’t look quite right. I thought he was in his late 30’s when we were last talking, but his profile now says he is 42. I check back to my original blog post about him and his profile last time said he was 38. My post was 6 months ago, not 4 years!

Someone commented on the blog post at the time that they thought he sounded dodgy by the way he was randomly on and off tinder. They suggested he was probably married and couldn’t linger on there for fear of getting caught. Perhaps they were right?!?

Or was I about to be catfished by ‘Mike’? Hmmmm that would have made for a more interesting blog post I guess…