Dating Disasters – Share Your Story

Recently I was sent a link to the BuzzFeed article 12 First-Date Disasters You’ll Be Glad You Weren’t Part Of by another seriously single in Sydney lady. I eagerly clicked the link thinking, ‘oh yeh, these will make me think I’ve gotten off lightly’, but no, no such luck.

There is a story about a money hungry date – never happened to me, just tight ass dates.

Another about a guy being late – wow, drama. Happens. All. The. Fucking. Time.

One about a guy who doesn’t like reading so he automatically doesn’t make the cut  – so harsh and judgemental to be dismissed for a simple difference in recreational activities. Like, who does that chick think she is……oh yeh, just referring to my list….I’ll be quiet now.

Then one about a whale shark style kisser who obviously had NFI what to do – again, wow, drama. Happens. To. All. Of. Us. Remember the 37 year old virgin?

But then there is a story that is a little unique I think…..but it has happened to me. The wallpaper story is about a girl who goes home to a muso guys place and when he shows her some music on his computer, she notices that her photo is his desktop wallpaper. How very, very awkward.

Weeeeeeeeeelllllllllll, that kinda happened to me in reverse. Unfortunately. On that date with the Englishman where we watched a movie, I suggested we watch something that I had already downloaded. I open my laptop with him sitting next to me and it opens to the last thing I was doing when I shut it earlier that morning, which was syncing my phone. I had downloaded hundreds of pics from my phone and the most recent were showing…….which were some pics he had sent me that day…..and no, they weren’t dick pics but he was in his undies for some reason…..¯\_(ツ)_/¯….. He noticed immediately,  looked at me like I was a total psycho and asked if me I was a bunny boiler.

Ummmm #totesawkward.

Anyhoo, I think the bad dates mentioned in that article are nowhere near what a bad date really is. I want to hear your stories and I’ll even make it worth your while. As a reward for the story that I like the most and for your dating pleasure, the good folk at Durex have kindly offered up a goodie pack of gels and condoms etc. Which could be very useful if you should ever get a date again….depending on how bad your story is!

Email me your bad date story at seriouslysingleinsyd@gmail.com by Sept 15 to be considered. The story will be posted to the blog with your anonymity protected. Australian residents only sorry.

I look forward to reading your tales of woe….and hopefully feeling better about myself in the process ;p

Things That Do Not Attract the Ladies #1 – Guns

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I see many disturbing things on Tinder. Many, many disturbing things….

But something that is completely obvious is that men need some help in understanding what gets us to swipe right on their profile in Tinder. For the good of mankind, I’m wiling to offer up that assistance!

Thus, No 1 on the list of things that guys should know does not attract the ladies is guns.

Online dating is fraught with danger already. Danger that your date will be a crazy stalker. Danger that he will be a clingon. Danger that he will be jockey height….

We do not need another element of danger added and looking at a guy proudly showing that he has, or can shoot, is not filling women with confidence that he is a good guy!

It also makes guys look like slack jawed yokels named Cletus. Just saying….

To Friend or Not to Friend, That is the Question

Hot key for friends

Recently I mentioned a guy that I had met on Tinder who I’d exchanged numbers with, but he was quite sick so it took a while for us to really get talking about meeting up. Once we did, contact accelerated quickly and he was texting and calling quite a bit. I was deep into uni work at the time and it was actually kind of sweet that he kept checking in with me to see how I was going and give me little study breaks.

On one of these breaks I was enjoying a glass (or two) of wine in the bath, which is one of my favourite pastimes (don’t judge me) when he called. It went to voicemail which states my full name and he left a message saying something along the lines of “Hello Ms <inset real name here>….” Later when I called him back it was quite obvious that he had looked me up on Facebook and that my privacy settings had become a little lax as he was talking about photos I’d posted that day!

It was weird, but it wasn’t like he had stalked me to find me surname as per Mr Creepy. He moved on to putting shit on me for my habit of drinking wine in the bath and I jokingly replied with “well I’m a Pisces you see, so it’s written in the stars that I love water”. He then revealed he was a Pisces too and when I asked him what date, he said exactly the same date as my birthday. I instantly felt creeped out thinking he is messing with me as it must be on my Facebook profile too and that I’ll really need to lock that sucker down! But he sent me a pic of his licence with his address cropped out and it turns out he did have exactly the same birthday as me, just 2 years older. For my birthday this year my girlfriends who I see the psychic with every year bought me an astrology book about which star signs are supposedly a good match for each other. Turns out Pisces and Pisces is the worst combination, so I guess it was destined to never work out with this guy! You can’t fight astrology right?!?

That conversation also turned bad for two other reasons. First, after 2 glasses of wine I was a little loose lipped and for some reason told him that I write a dating blog. He searched for it with very little detail from me, found it and read the whole thing before we met, giving him far too much insight into me without needing to get to know me! Unfair advantage.

The second bad thing was that he Facebook friend requested me on that call and tried to get me to accept. Yes some parts of my page were public, but not much and I thought it strange to Facebook friend request me before me met. But it did get me thinking when is the right time to Facebook friend request someone?

You can learn a lot about someone from their Facebook page. What lame internet memes do they find funny? Are they really single? Do they have kids they have conveniently omitted from the conversation? And important life issues like if they wear Crocs, or listen to Roxette (which the latter would make me instantly fall in love with them – it’s been retro week in my car this week and it’s been all Roxette, INXS and George Michael. I’m ridiculously cool…..)

But when is the right time to open up this insight? I’ve unfriended a number of guys that I perhaps prematurely connected with before realising that they were a tool. It feels so petty to ‘unfriend’ someone, but if you’ve finished dating, you might as well cut them loose.

I ignored the Facebook friend request until after we met. We caught up at local wine bar and he was good looking, cheeky and flirty. We had a couple of glasses of wine, ordered some pizzas and hung out in the cute courtyard garden for a couple of hours. It was a great date, non-stop chat, some leg touching and a little kissing. Eventually it was time to head off, he paid the bill (saying that he knows I like that from my blog) and he walked me to my car. There he seemed to be trying to ramp up the kissing, but I shut it down and got in the car to go home.

We exchanged some messages that night, I accepted his friend request and went to bed. The next day we txted a little more, but he said he was feeling a bit tired and unwell again. Over the next few days there were a couple of messages, but nothing particularly interesting and it just fizzled out. So I unmatched him in Tinder and unfriended him on Facebook.

What happened? Was it that I relentlessly post food porn on my Facebook which makes people too hungry?? Probably not. Mostly with great first dates that go nowhere I assume that it’s because the guy was playing his A game for some action that evening and if it doesn’t happen he disappears. So let’s go with that. No skin off my nose…onwards and upwards!

The one that stalks and drops bombs

Stalker concept.

There are two amazingly beautiful girls at work who I’ve been trying to convince to get on the online dating bandwagon. Which is probably quite surprising (and no doubt unconvincing) considering my blog mostly features dating debacles, but generally I find  meeting new people fun, so it’s not ALL bad…except in the Spitter example.

Their reluctance generally stems from the concern that they may meet weirdos online. Yes you will, there is no may about it. Lots is a definite. Lots of them. Hundreds. Thousands. But you leave those ones online and only advance to the next stage the ones that seem to be 50% or less weird.

I thought I had this process nailed by now. I pride myself on my well honed phone screening process where I have a high accuracy rating of picking if someone is a psycho or not. But I guess no one is infallible…

I was talking with a guy on Tinder who was not quite my usual type, but he gave good chat, lived nearby and was keen to catch up for a casual dinner soon. I like dinner, I pretty much eat it every day, so although it was a quick advancement, I thought why not?!?

This was probably my first mistake as I hadn’t yet obtained insight into the usual things I like to know about a man before leaving Tinder. He had me at 6’6″…..

The second mistake was probably calling him without hiding my number. We started chatting about random things immediately and I can talk rubbish for hours, so it was all going quite nicely with rapid convo and lots of laughs. We were talking about trashy tv and illegal downloading (which I of course do not participate in, no way Mr Internet Sir!) and he throws in that he mostly downloads Disney shows and I immediately think, oh dear what a weirdo watching kids shows.

Wrong. Ka-boom! He follows that up with ‘Oh I should probably tell you that I have a 4 year old daughter. Not sure if that is an issue, or if you even care’. Awkward….

I do care. I never swipe right on guys with kids, or if it comes up in convo whilst on Tinder I’m generally out of there. I just don’t want to date a guy with kids. It’s a personal choice and clearly many people feel the same way as those who have kids and are online dating often frame it in the way that they expect you to have an issue with it.

But instead of saying ‘yes, actually I don’t want to date someone with kids’ I just ploughed on with the conversation whilst thinking about how I’d wrap this up. I would feel like a real bitch to say that to him over the phone, but of course it’s much easier to say online before you’ve been having a great chat for almost an hour.

He then moved the conversation onto work. He’d asked me earlier on Tinder what I did for work and I gave him a really generic answer about what industry I work in. He didn’t get the hint in my vagueness and asked what company and I just said ‘a big one’. He again asked what company I worked for on the phone as clearly we were close now that we had exchanged phone numbers and I again said I didn’t want to tell him just yet.

Things turned a bit weird and I told him I was busy the rest of the week and let’s aim to catch up next week to give me time to extract myself from the situation. Yes, I can see how hypocritical that makes me sound when I complain about men who disappear, but I feel that this guy should have disclosed his offspring situation earlier.

Personally I think it’s mandatory detail to provide in a profile. That, plus if you are a vego, your smoking status and your jockey status….

Anyhoo, he told me that he would easily be able to stalk me via LinkedIn based on what I had told him and that he was up to the challenge. I said good night and hung up. 20 minutes later I get a txt from him giving me his full name so I can stalk him as he says that he has nothing to hide. I ignore it and go to bed. In the morning he sends another txt first thing saying it took him 45 seconds to find me and references my full name.

Ok crazy stalker! I’m out. I un-match him on Tinder and tell my friends about Mr Creepy. One is very concerned for my safety when I say he has my phone number and says ‘geeze I hope he can’t find your address’. That never occurred to me, my number isn’t listed, so why would I be concerned about that!?! She randomly googles my phone number and finds my full name and address listed on a directory website!!!!

It appears that I’ve been caught up in a Telco privacy leak a few years back, but I guess I’ve never googled my number before to discover this. I wonder how many people online dating do this!?!? How many of my former dud dates knew where I lived? Is this guy lurking outside my window? Creeeeeeeeeeeeeepy…..

Perhaps I should check in here regularly for safety?!!!

The One With the Lazy Eye

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This is an old story too. It’s also a great cautionary tale about the perils of alcohol and trusting your friends to help you select a man.

I think this was the weekend of my 22nd birthday. I was out at ‘the local’ with a group of friends and the drinks were flowing fast. In those days I loved being one of (if not THE) first on the dance floor (tragic I know), but once the floor started to fill I would scan the guys out there assessing if they:

1. Had moves like Jagger; and
2. Could make eye contact with me above the sea of jockeys short people.

I was always quite forthright in my approach back then so I found what I thought was a catch, lured him in and started dancing with him. When I caught sight of my friends they looked quite alarmed. Apparently their eyes were performing better than my vodka glasses as this dude was OLD!

So I cut him loose and moved on. The dancefloor was full of ugly shorties, but then in the distance I spotted a tall blonde. He had the moves and was wearing a bright blue shirt, so he certainly got my attention. I made some sexy eyes at him to beckon him over, but then decided now was not the time for subtlety. I reached out my arm whilst making eye contact, pointed at him and then gave him the ‘come hither’ finger.

He glided across the dancefloor like he was in a boy band video, wind machine and all. We start dancing and he is good! You know what they say about men that can dance right….

Being once bitten, twice shy already that evening, I wanted my friends to give me their opinion. Whilst dancing with him I asked them for a thumbs up or thumbs down behind his back. It was a resounding thumbs up!

The night progressed with more dancing and drinking and eventually the club closed. We were keen to kick on, so we all headed back to our friends place who lived nearby and a good time was had by all….

In the morning however things didn’t look so good. We were all in a world of pain and gathered in the lounge room to fill in the gaps from the night before. But something was very different now.

My new friend looked different than he did the night before. No longer boy band cool, he was looking at me whilst talking to me, but he was also looking the other way. Yes, there was a lazy eye situation going on. A bad one.

Confusion spread across the faces of all my friends, except Ms E who somehow did not notice!! How did we not see this the night before? Did it happen in his sleep? Did the alcohol correct his lazy eye? The world was not making sense.

He was also rather annoying. He was a bit overfamiliar with us for someone we had known for about 12 hrs and far too affectionate for my liking as I was not digging him at all.

I suggested he call a cab to get home, but he resisted. I wanted to go home and I couldn’t leave him there with my friends, so I decided to drive him home as I had left my car at my friends place the night before. I intended to just drop him at the kerb outside his house, but he would not get out of the car until I popped inside with him. Grrrr ok…

Once inside he shows me a photo by his bedside in the sharehouse he lived in with about 6 other guys. It’s of his 1yr old daughter to which he says “did I not tell you about her last night?”

Hmmm who the fuck knows really?!?

Then I tell him I really must he going. He asks for my phone number and I was tempted to give him my usual fake number where I swapped the last two digits around. That made it easy to remember so I could always say it confidently and it wasn’t obvious that I was faking. I pity the poor person with that number back then. They likely had a lot of messages for me….

But this dude was a bit cray-cray, so I gave him the real one. Lucky I did as he said he wanted to call it before I left to make sure he has the right number and could contact me. He also said that it was great we met on my birthday as we’d always remember our anniversary. Ooooooookaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy….

I think I burnt rubber as I drove away from his place. He was relentless in his chase after that calling multiple times a day, but he eventually gave up after a few weeks.

I wonder what ever happened to that poor lazy eye guy??

The one I referred to by his real name – Damian

Generally when I talk with my girlfiriends about the men that I am dating, I refer to them as their ‘character’ name, i.e. the Detective, the Porsche Dude, the Canberra Guy, 6’6″ Dad etc.

I feel that it makes it easier for them to remember who is who during my prolific dating bursts, but it could also be a sign of me not committing to calling them a name until I think they could be more than a character in my dodgy dating play.

This happened a month or so ago with a guy called Damian – but let’s call him Damo for short. I met him on Tinder one night and the app showed him to be just 2kms away. It turned out that he lived in the next suburb and because he worked in real estate, we got chatting about the local area and houses and we discussed when I moved to the area, where I’d moved from etc.

The chat went really well and he asked if I’d like to catch up for coffee some time. He gave me his number and I said I’d give him a call to line something up. He sounded great and I was really looking forward to speaking with him, so I called him the next afternoon on the drive to uni. When we spoke we exchanged the usual pleasantries and then he launched in with ‘so I have to tell you I know your name is <insert real name here> and you live at <real address> and you used to live at <old real address>’. I immediately freak out wondering how he knows this? Do we have a mutual friend? Is he stalking me? Is he a weirdo??? Turns out yes….but let’s not ruin the story just yet.

There are many things that you know not to tell people that you have just met online for safety reasons. Of those things, saying that you bought your apartment 5 years ago didn’t occur to me to be a danger topic. But as he works in real estate at a local agent, he has access to a settlement database and took the liberty to look me up. Ok, so it’s weird, but at the time I thought that it was probably ok as firstly, if I had access to a system that like, I would definitely be utilising it for background checks on my dates (#noboundaries)! Second, he told me about it straight up. He could have kept that information up his sleeve for his own purposes right?

So we arrange to meet on Wednesday night and considering he already knows almost everything about me, I agree to him coming to pick me up from home which I wouldn’t usually do on a first meet! But also, he has a bit of an online presence as a real estate agent in balmain so I feel somewhat confident that I won’t be axe murdered, but I give my girlfriend all the info I have on him just in case I go missing!

He comes to pick me up in his beautiful black BMW and I’m kinda impressed. He is standing against the car waiting for me and he is all suited up from work. He opens the door for me like a gentleman and I notice that he has a cheeky smile, both factors making him really quite attractive. We head into balmain to go to a little wine bar. When we get out of the car at the bar I notice that he is a little bit shorter than me. On my Tinder profile I mention that I am 5’10. I’d asked him before we met how tall he is and he said 5’10”. I was wearing heels, but intentionally small ones as I thought we’d be the same height, but I still suspect he was more like 5’9″ (as we know, guys always add an extra inch).

But he doesn’t seem to care that I’m taller and I put it out of my mind. We go inside and sit at a cosy booth in the corner. The bar is almost empty, but it has a nice vibe. We order red wine and get chatting. He is a complete joker, making little smart ass comments every 5 seconds. It is immediately flirty between us, we order some food and sit nice and close whilst sharing the dishes eating from the same plate as we are sitting at a tiny little table.

Eventually we go to leave and as he had decided after his second wine to leave his car at the bar so that he could drink more wine, we need to find a cab. One arrives almost instantly and we head home. When we get to my place, he jumps out of the cab with me which I didn’t take as a sign of him expecting to come inside really. He may have even said something like he just wanted to say goodbye to me properly.

So we stand out the front of my apartment building in the street which is very well lit and say goodbye with some kissing. At one point I notice my next door neighbour walk past whilst we are kissing in the street like teenagers. That is a little embarrassing….

Damo had realised in the cab that he had left his house keys back in his car, so when another cab pulls up to drop one of my neighbours home, he seizes the opportunity and grabs the cab to go get his keys.

He messages me later and it seems like all in all a great date was had and I am looking forward to seeing him again.