The Reason Why I’m Single

230px-Eleanor_Abernathy

This is a question I have pondered often. Am I too pretty? Am I too smart? Am I too ridiculously hilarious? Am I too perfect, you know in that annoying too good to be true kinda way…

Perhaps I’m too modest?

A reader suggested why recently….FullSizeRender

Well that was a strange suggestion as I don’t even like horse riding?!?

Anyhoo, my search continued and I think I have found it! It’s my neighbours. No, not that douchebag detective that still haunts my hallway. Neighbours. As in the really, really, really good TV show, Neighbours.

Stop sniggering. It IS good. Last week I had a stupidly busy week at work and didn’t leave the office until really late each night. When I finally got home on Friday night, tired, cranky and stinging for a wine, I realised that I hadn’t had time to watch Neighbours any day that week. That’s right folks, I had 2.5 hours of Neighbours delight ahead of me. What more could a single gal ask for on a Friday night? If only I had 18 cats to share such a magical night with…

And maybe I soon will. An Elite Singles survey recently revealed that singles think that Neighbours is the least attractive TV show that a future partner may like to watch. Say what?! Shut the front door.

And that 67% of singles think that liking the right TV shows can make someone appear more interesting. Now that, that I can agree with. Like Kardashians. If I could just find a man who (would admit to) Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I would be all #soulmate.

The study perhaps also revealed another reason as to why I’m single. The top 3 most attractive shows were:

  1. The Big Bang Theory – favoured by geeks and freaks
  2. Game of Thrones – closet sexual deviants ;p
  3. Criminal Minds – homicidal maniacs in training

Yep, ain’t nobody got time for that….

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I’ve been too busy for dating, but….

I decided to put a pause on my online dating activities mid-Jan as I had discovered that my final term at uni was going to take a lot of my time for the next few months. I’m almost at the end now though, just a week and a half to go, and it’s completely killing me! So much to do, so little time….

But, sometimes opportunities arise that you’ve just got to seize. Like that dinner club invitation I had a few weeks ago (major disappointment though…) and last week it was a reminder email that my stamps were about to expire on RSVP. I bought them when I met that guy that had the surprise gappy teeth and who did that awkward hand holding move on our date. Our one and only date…

So I wasn’t feeling too hopeful about using these stamps up, particularly as most of the men on there I’ve already rejected, or chatted briefly to before they appeared to be idiots, or dated and they were definitely idiots!

But I logged on and had a look around and given that I had a 3 day deadline to use the 5 stamps I had bought, plus a free birthday stamp they threw at me, I attacked this problem Oprah style. Yes, you get a kiss, and you get a kiss, everyone gets a kiss!

For those unfamiliar with how RSVP works (or doesn’t work for that matter…), the process is that you send a free kiss of predetermined text to someone you’re interested in, they can then respond with a free kiss to let you know if they are interested or not. Then it’s usually up to the originating kisser to cough up some bucks to send an email message.

I’ve always liked to be the emailer as so often I tire of the guys after one or two emails and if I’ve paid for the stamp, I don’t feel so bad when I give up on them and block them. If they’ve paid, I feel like a real nasty bitch.

So I sent some kisses out and waited for the replies. On 3 occasions the guys went straight to email from my original kiss, which is nice that they are keen, but it kind of annoyed me as it wasn’t helping me burn my stamp credits and they have all turned out to be rather dull.

I got down to two last stamps before they expired, so I’ve got communication open with a few guys. Two are only 30 and I turned 34 last week (eeeek, how did that happen so fast?!?), so I think they may be a bit ‘junior’ for me. Another is just a disappointment. His profile was very non-specific about his work, it just mentioned that he had lots of ‘goals and dreams’, but he had dreamy blue eyes and I’m a bit partial to those, so I took a chance. In his first email to me he mentioned that he didn’t have to work this weekend which he said was ‘unusual and nice’. Alarm bells! So I asked what he did for work and the response was that he works at a Liquorland. Yep, doing customer service. Dreamy blue eyes do not cut it when you are a 34 yr old checkout dude in my opinion. Yes, I probably sound like a heinous bitch. But whatevs….

The other guy has also caused alarm bells, but for a different reason. Years ago I saw a film called Sliver with Billy Baldwin and Sharon Stone. It’s a very cool, sexy thriller type movie. I give it 5 stars. Check it out.

But this particular movie has affected me ever since I first saw it. Billy Baldwin owns/caretaker a high rise apartment block which he has loaded up with secret cameras in the apartments and he watches the residents shower, eat, have sex etc.

I’ve had a weird paranoia about people watching me via secret camera in hotels in particular ever since. Yes, because I’m that narcissistic that I think I’m interesting enough for people to want to watch me…

But in recent years I’ve dated a few people that I feel exhibited stalker behaviour and who were in a great position to do so. From the guy in national security who seemed to always message me as soon as I turned off my alarm on my phone each morning, at various times each day and often as soon as I got home from work, again at various times each day too. Then the neighbour detective that would constantly casually knock on my door seconds after I got home, even if I purposely tip-toed past his door and concentrated on opening my own door with barely a sound. He would also mysteriously turn up at my courtyard fence popping his head over like Wilson in that Tim Allen show from the 90’s, Home Improvement. Sometimes with his gun. However being gigantically tall at 6’6″ you of course saw most of him!

The last security threat from RSVP is a professional hacker. Apparently he gets paid by major companies to stress test their security. Alarm bells! I had not long finished watching the ep of Catfish where a girl had been talking to a guy that was watching her through her webcam without her knowledge, so I immediately felt like placing some duct tape over my own webcam whilst typing to him just to be on the safe side…

He asked me a few standard questions about myself, like where do I live, what do I do for work and what do I like doing for fun. I joking replied that he could probably already work those things out with his skill set, but he tactfully said he’d prefer if I told him.

His profile had only one pic on it and it was a pic which was not displaying any teeth. I was already once bitten, twice shy about that from RSVP after gappy teeth, so I attempted to tactfully ask to see more pics so I could determine if ‘he was a psycho or not’ claiming that I can usually tell with multiple pics. He replied saying he could email me some, so I gave him my generic email address that gives no clues about me away.

He sent a pic. It again had no teeth. I then decided to just come out with it and said I wanted to see a pic of his teeth! I don’t have time to mess around with surprise deal breakers, so I’d prefer to know about the teeth situation up front. Yes, I know that supports the view that I may be a heinous bitch, but hey, teeth are my thing!

I actually had dinner a few weeks ago with some friends who were telling me about an ep of the Australian version of Dating in the Dark that they had recently watched. They told me that a girl had met this guy that had all the qualities she wanted (hot bod, personal trainer, they got along really well in the dark) but when she got to see him, she saw he had red hair and freckles and she was out. I told my friends that I understood her saying no. They were outraged and queried if I would do the same thing if I met someone who seemed like my absolute unicorn in the dark. Bad teeth would definitely be my out clause in that situation. I could probably work with the red hair….if it wasn’t all over his body.

Funny smile orangutan monkey portrait

So although the hacker said it was the weirdest thing he’d ever been asked to do on the internet (doubt it…) he sent me a teeth pic and they all checked out. After a few more emails he was keen to meet up this weekend. I got stuck at uni all day Saturday so I called him on the way home that afternoon just for a chat to suss out if I would be keen to meet him or not. They always need to pass the chat test!

When I called him I was quite surprised that he had a strong South African accent. He hadn’t mentioned that before, but he has been in Australia for about 5 years. He also sounded quite jittery and I’m not sure if it was a nervous giggle, but his laugh is horrible. Like cringe worthy bad. Now I love people that make me laugh and I also love making others laugh a lot, so this may be a deal breaker. My Top 17 criteria may be getting a new addition.

We spoke for about 20 mins whilst I drove home and I used the ‘busy with uni’ card to buy me some more time to get out of this situation. I’m pretty sure I’m not keen, but you never know I guess…

Am I being Catfished?

After last weekend where the guy formerly known as the lovely English gent who turned into an asshole (unless he was hit and killed by a bus and that is why I haven’t heard from him, if so, my condolences to his family) I decided to give Tinder a rest…

But before I did, I thought I’d give it a few last swipes. I then found an interesting profile with just one pic which was a photo of a plane. I’m not sure why I clicked into it, but his profile said something about being easy going, fun, loves a laugh and quotes himself as ‘reasonably good looking’. Now I really want to see his photo if he is talking himself up like that!

But I swiped right for yes and we matched. I sent him a message immediately saying that I found his profile intriguing that he would be Tindering with no pic. He replied and said that there was nothing suspicious about it, he just has a lot of clients and didn’t want work people to see him on there. We started chatting and he was actually quite interesting.  We chatted for about 2 hours, then the following night there was more great chatting, and then again the next night. By then it was Thursday and I suggested that we catch up on the weekend. We exchanged numbers and I said to him that it would make it easier for me to find him when we meet up if I have some idea what he looked like. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, send me your photo please!

I was surprised at myself that I would want to meet someone I hadn’t seen a pic of. It’s the ultimate blind date – which is so unusual for online dating! But what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working, so why not I guess?!?

Friday passes and I don’t hear from him. Most of Saturday passes and I haven’t heard from him either. I send him a txt msg Saturday afternoon to ask what time we are going to catch up on Sunday. No response.

When I woke up this morning I was thinking of just deleting him off Tinder and moving on. He hadn’t been active on Tinder the past few days so I thought I’d wait until I could tell he was alive (seeing all my dates keep dying lately….). I was just heading out to lunch with a friend when I get a Tinder message from him saying that he is sorry he hasn’t messaged me, but he got stuck up the north coast due to bad weather, he also lost his phone and was messaging me on his iPad and he has come down with the flu today and asked if we could raincheck our date for tonight.

Wow. I always complain about the guys that die that they don’t have the balls to send a simple txt and prefer to just ignore me. This guy has coughed up 3 excuses whilst cancelling a date. But, I can’t help but feel that it is terribly bad luck to have all that happen at once.

Could it be true? I’ve still not seen this guy’s pic. I have not spoken to him on the phone either. Could he be a 18 yr old girl that has been bullied her entire life and is deciding to fuck with people just for the fun of it? Note, on Friday night I saw the show Catfish where this 21 yr girl had been chatting to a model she met online and they were txting that they love each other and want to marry for 8 months despite the fact they had never met or spoken. The show gets them together and the model guy turns out to be an 18 yr old very unfortunate looking bisexual girl. Great show! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catfish:_The_TV_Show

Could ‘he’ like talking to me, but can’t meet up or it would reveal his secret so that’s why the 3 lies? Could ‘he’ be Casey Donovan catfishing me to get revenge for all the shit she has copped after she revealed her 6 yr relationship with a man, who was a girl, who she was having sex with cause her man who she never met wanted her to? Yes, it’s complicated. For my non-Aussie readers check this out to get up to speed http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/music/casey-donovans-bizarre-confession-my-sixyear-relationship-was-a-hoax/story-e6frfn09-1226837272582.

So I eventually replied tonight saying that it was an unusual amount of misfortune he has endured this weekend and that a cynical person who has met a lot of Tinder dickheads may not believe it. He replied saying that it was all true and all he can do is hope I believe it and that he’d like to keep talking to me.

I’m unconvinced. Thoughts?

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