Things That Make You Go… No.

I was perusing Plenty of Fish (POF) again the other night. I know I’ve said it before, but it is hands down the worst online dating site. Why do I continue to look there? It is also often the most amusing.

I receive a message from a new guy so I check out his profile and notice that he only has one pic up. I’m usually immediately deterred by that, but I was intrigued by his beard and hairy chest as I have a weakness for the manly man. In hindsight his moustache is a little creepy though….

We get chatting and it’s mostly about food, particularly a shared passion for burgers. Well, well, well, I think we are going to get along just fine…

It’s getting late but he asks if he can call me as he is feeling ‘too lazy to type’. Uh huh. I don’t really want to give him my number just yet, so I say goodnight and leave it at that.

He messages first thing in the morning and is keen to chat again, but I’m keen to actually see a pic of him before going any further. I ask him to upload another pic to his profile. It’s amazing how a sexy shirtless, bearded, hairy chest man can suddenly turn into this…

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out. Stupid hat.

I sent the first pic to my friend Mr B and he replies “No face? No Nipple?” I then send the second pic and his response is “Oh that’s so depressing”.

YES!!! He knew he was leading me on with Mr Sexy before revealing Mr Goofy.

New dating rule. Always ask to see face AND to see nipple within 10 messages or less!

Ok, maybe not. But it would feel right at home amongst my list of other random criteria that leads to a yes or no decision when I’m online dating. Other highlights include:

Dumb Face – Just like some women suffer from ‘bitchy resting face’, many men seem to possess ‘duh yep’ face.

Creepy Face – I once worked with someone that was a bit of a weird character and when I told another colleague that they had left, that person said “fuck I’m glad he is gone. He looked like the type that you would go around to his house and there would be ears in his freezer”. Many, many men on Tinder look like ear collectors….

Bad Teeth – I know many a supermodel has made a career with gappy teeth, but I just can’t do it. Nor missing teeth, rabbit teeth, tiny teeth, no teeth…

Short Head – I think I have perfected predicting a man’s height by the size of his head to about a 96.48% accuracy rate. Yes, most probably think head size is not proportional to height. I disagree.

Reflective Clothing – Yes I know, I know….so judgey.

Smokers – I love when smokers include a pic of them flamboyantly sucking on a ciggie or blowing smoke which they obviously think makes them look très cool. No, it doesn’t. Glad we sorted that out early. Swipe left. This also includes the occasional/social, trying to quit smokers. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Lazy Typers – There is absolutely no excuse for typing ‘u’ for ‘you’ anymore. None. Nada. Ok, maybe if you are still using a Nokia 5110 and have to press the 7 key 18 times to get the u. Actually then I wouldn’t date him either as he clearly is a tight ass with tech…

Kids – Firstly I don’t want to date someone with kids, but even so I find it a bit wrong to be including pics of kids in dating profiles for the world to see. Good parenting there…

Outside 15km – As if my soulmate would live that far away. Seriously. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Ok I lie, I usually only search 10km….

Gamers – No. You’re an adult. Stop it. Now.

Motorbikes – Hate them. I once had a very, very embarrassing experience with one whilst on holiday. Never doubling on one again. Plus guys that ride bikes are a different breed I find.

Car Unenthusiasts – Yep, I’m making that a word. If a guy refers to cars as ‘just something to get from A to B’, I’m out. Irreconcilable differences.

Unusual Spelling of a Traditional Name – Ok it’s not their fault i know, but I can’t marry a redneck…

Vegetarians – One word. Bacon.

Non Drinkers – I fear they would be appalled by how much time I spend in the bath drinking wine. And how much wine…

Camping – It’s just dumb.

Bon Voyage

I was left feeling quite disappointed after date 2 with the Very Cheeky Englishman. Finally a man that I liked (so far, it was very early days…) and who seemed really into me, but he was soon to disappear. What kind of luck is that?! Yet another case of my bad timing with men.

It did raise a lot of questions for me though. Why did his online profile seem to indicate that he was looking for a relationship, but he is about to head overseas for a while? Why did he not tell me that his departure was imminent before we met in person? Or even on our first date? Or to my face on our second date rather than txt bombing me?

Was this why he was so rushed to see me again? Was he really looking to date, or just to seal the deal before he went away? If so, why did he agree to a very non-sex type of date being a weekday lunch? Is his gentleman-like charm genuine, or just an act for a short lived romance before he leaves? Is he leaving at all, or is it just a ruse to expedite some action?

Oh, I don’t know. If I have learned anything from dating it is that men are generally skittish like birds. They are so unpredictable that there is no point agonising over things they do and say until you really know them and you can establish some consistency to their behaviour.

I considered not seeing him again before he left and waiting until he returned (if he did). I actually told him I felt unsure of how genuine he was seeing he didn’t tell me he was leaving until now. His response was that he told me because he liked and respected me and wanted to tell me before things became more involved, but he is definitely coming back so still thought it was worthwhile us starting to date. He also said that if he didn’t care about me at all, he could have omitted the fact he was leaving from our next date and just disappear. Fair point I guess…

But in the end, I knew that I enjoyed his company, that I was crazy attracted to him and that we definitely had chemistry together which so rarely happens, so I decided to just go with it.

The only time our schedules lined up for the weekend was Sunday lunch. He came to pick me up and we went to the nearby rowers club for lunch by the water. He was dressed casually (unfortunately no suit…) but he still looked great.

We eat and have a lovely time, but I certainly feel like I’m acting with some restraint knowing that whatever happens between us is about to be put on pause for a few months. But having said that, under normal circumstances I would have the same restraint anyway. By date 3 I’m not welcoming deep and meaningful conversations about our future together. I’m not thinking about our labrador’s name and side-by-side burial plots. I’m more focused on deciding if I’m having a good time with him, then eventually (approximately date 27….) it will become clear if there is enough between us to really be with him.

Unless I happen to be dating the Bondi Vet. In that instance I’d be snaffling him up off the market toots sweet…

Anyhoo, it’s not a great day weather wise and its getting cold at the club, so we head back to my place for some more wine and to watch a movie. When we get home, he takes his shoes off and I can’t help but notice that they seem like small shoes. Yep, he is definitely only 5’9″ I think at the time, but I refrain from measuring him…

Eventually it is time for him to leave and we don’t really talk about the fact we won’t see each other for a while. Best to leave it on a high note.

We exchange some txts before he leaves and since he has been gone (a bit over a month now) we have been emailing each other every few days. The emails are mostly light and flirty, but he doesn’t have a definite return date as yet. I’m of course not waiting around for him and am continuing to date whilst he is gone, but I would be keen to see him again when (if) he returns – if he is actually even away!

Damn He Looks Good in a Suit…

The morning after my first date with the Very Cheeky Englishman he is keen to line up date #2. It’s Wednesday and I have a few things on the following nights, so I suggest a date on the weekend.

He says he’ll take it, but it’s too far away and he’d like to see me before then. He asks if I’m free for lunch on the Thursday. I’m not working at the moment, so a weekday lunch date sounded good.

He asks me to meet him in his suburb outside of a hotel, for ease of meeting only but he of course makes the obligatory joke about having booked us a room.

I arrive before him and have the usual ‘will I actually remember what he looks like’ paranoia. But then he appears wearing a blue suit and aviators and he was rocking them both.

Rocking them hard. It was kind of a ‘take my breath away’ moment when I saw him. WTF. How drunk was I on our first date for me to have not noticed how hot he is?!?

He wasn’t in a suit on date 1 though. Mental note, I must think of ways to always get him to wear a suit when I see him. Always. 

He kisses me hello and suggests that we find somewhere to eat on the strip overlooking the beach and takes my hand as we walk off.

As we are walking I again notice the height difference, but I had intentionally worn flats today to suss the situation out. I think he may be 5’9″, but I’m too distracted by the suit hotness to worry about it right now…

We find a restaurant that looks nice and take a seat outside. He is being all sweet and lovely and telling me he loves my eyes and trying to hold my hand across the table. I am feeling strangely awkward for a second date, maybe because he seems so much hotter today and I find myself sitting uncomfortably, often with my arms crossed. He playfully accuses me of throwing bad body language at him, thus being ‘unromantic’ and that I date ‘like a man’, but assures me that he has enough of a romantic side to play the part for both of us.

Which sounds really naff doesn’t it?!? But he is quite a masculine man so I’m actually not put off by it.

At the end of the meal he again refuses to let me pay and we have about 30 mins before he has to head off to a meeting, so we take a walk along the path alongside the beach.

As we walk I find myself slouching a little so I don’t feel so much like a giraffe next to him. The height thing will likely become a problem soon, but for now I’m feeling quite attracted to him, so I’ll let it slide…

We eventually end up where I’ve parked my car. We have discussed the car at length (because it’s the love of my life and his current competition) and he asks to take a look at it. I know he isn’t terribly into cars and he has also told me that he thinks only drug dealers drive white sports cars, so this was obviously was just a ploy to get in the car and pash like teenagers.

But I wasn’t complaining. Once inside he takes off the aviators and I notice that his eyes are a gorgeous colour. Green outside the iris, but they seem to blend into blue on the outer rim.

When time is up and he must head off to his meeting, he tells me that he can’t wait to see me on the weekend and jumps out of the car. I watch him walk away in the rear view mirror, damn I like him in a suit…

Before I drive off he has already sent me a txt. It starts off telling me how much he likes me, but then follows on that we’ve met at the worst time as he has to go home to the UK in a few days to attend to his business there for a couple of months.

Fuck.

The Very Cheeky Englishman

Of all the dating sites that I have tried, POF is certainly the worst. I’ve looked at it a few times and have always found that most of the guys can barely string a sentence together. But my friend Ms A was using it and convinced me to give it another look in.

Scrolling through the masses of degenerates someone catches my eye and we get chatting. Mr T has nice pics, he is tall (well 6 foot), has his own business, lives in a nice area, is 40, no kids, a non-smoker, has a coherent profile. Tick, tick, tick.

We chat a little online and exchange numbers. When I call the next day, I get his voicemail and I am surprised to hear an English accent. Oh no, I wasn’t aware of this fact. I didn’t leave a message, rather I jumped straight online to check his profile again. His teeth, I need to see the teeth!! In my experience I’ve met a lot of people from the UK with bad teeth, so I usually avoid them online unless I can clearly see the teeth situation from the pics. Don’t hate me UK readers…

Fortunately he is smiling in his pics, his teeth on full display, they are all there and they are perfect. Phew….

When Mr T calls back we chat for about half an hour and it’s non-stop laughter. He is hilarious. My cheeks actually hurt from laughing when we hang up.

We arrange a date for the following night. He arrives early and txts me whilst I’m still on my way into the city asking what I want to drink so he can have it waiting for me. I tell him that I’ll get something when I get there. First rule of online dating, don’t let them roofie you too easily…

When I arrive I call him to find him as the bar is really busy and I like what I see when I get there. He is very pleasant looking and he seems to quite like me…as he tells me. A number of times. Oh stop it Mr T, no go on, no stop, no go on…

We get a bottle of wine and it disappears fast. I try to buy the second bottle, but he won’t let me claiming that he is a gentleman and that just won’t do. When he returns from the bar which I am sitting with my back to, he swiftly leans down from behind my shoulder and kisses me saying that “he just had to do that”. Ok the cynical ‘I’ve dated a lot of douchey men’ side of me thinks oh what a tosser, but the quite tiddly side of me thinks he is quite lovely…and a good kisser. #winning

The second bottle somehow disappears too and we both need to head to the bathroom (separately of course…) and as we are walking along I notice that I seem a bit taller than him. He was meant to be 6 foot, I’m 5’10”, but I was likely wearing 3 inch heels so I expected a little difference, but this is more than an inch. Whilst wondering that thought he stops me and pulls me in for another kiss. Oh he finds me irresistible. Stop it Mr T, no go on, oh whatevs…..#YOLO.

We get a third bottle of wine and my previous fuzzy thoughts about it probably being a wise idea to get some food have dissipated. Who knows where that bottle goes, but all of a sudden I’m drunk. Drunk, drunkity, drunk, drunk!

Remember how cautious I was about not getting drugged and being incapable of fending off a dodgy internet guy earlier in the night? No? Me either…

After plenty of shameless public pashing it is time to call it a night. He walks me to the cab rank, kisses me and tells me that he really doesn’t want to send me home, but he knows it’s the right thing to do being a gentleman and all. See, he does have morals! He puts me in the back of the cab and then leans into the front window and hands the cab driver cash to take me home. What the hell? How old school. Indeed a gentleman. I’m kinda digging it…

He then proceeds to send me quite dirty txt messages all the way home…..well actions speak louder than words right? ;p

Throwing them back

Firstly, today was the biggest day of readers on my Blog yet! Thanks to all that stopped by 🙂

Over the past few days I’ve been searching through Plenty of Fish (POF) with nothing catching my eye. Well, nothing but really bad / funny / psycho photos that I’ve been screenshotting and sending to my girlfriends for a giggle.

I’m getting a lot of messages on the site, but all from fish that I want to throw back into the POF water.

Especially the guy with the username that starts with the word hung and ends in the word inch, with a number in between. He tells me that I’ve landed a ‘BIG FISH’. Oh yeh, baaaabbby!!

Although I appreciate how much effort it must take to copy and paste such a sexy sweet nothing to every profile on POF, I decide to pass.

I move on to a guy I’ve been talking to for 3 days. Everyday he asks how I am, then how my day was, followed by asking what I had for lunch. I was bored by day 2, but today I decided to see just how consistent he can be and he delivered.

I might not sleep tonight in anticipation of what the conversation may involve tomorrow!!!

Gone fishing!

Last week I caught up for lunch with a girlfriend (Ms A) from uni that I haven’t seen for about 3 months. I filled her in on my dating dramas of late and had a whinge about how I’m running out of options.

Ms A mentioned that her friend was using the dating site Plenty of Fish (POF) and was finding it pretty good. I had heard about POF about a month before when another gf mentioned a friend using it too. At that point, I checked it out, but it seemed so much harder than Tinder at the time as you must set up a proper profile. It’s a little bit like a mix between eHarmony where you have to do all these personality quizzes, but more like RSVP in that you get to search from men rather than eHarmony who give you an ‘allocation’ for the day of ‘perfect matches’.

So I set up a profile on the weekend and got cracking looking at the men. There was a heap of familiar faces from Tinder or RSVP (or both) but also some new blood!

I started talking to a good looking 38 yr old guy with a really masculine look which I like. You know, tall, built and hairy (in that he had a trimmed beard, not a carpet back, well to the best of my knowledge). We chatted about a lot of random things and he seemed quite clever and a bit witty.

I had stayed in on Saturday night as I was feeling a bit sick this weekend. I asked him why he was staying in on a Saturday night and he said that his friends had gone out, but he hadn’t finished work until 7pm so he didn’t go as he would be too late joining them. I asked what he did for work that had him working to that time on a Saturday. He said ‘Banking’. I already knew this as his profile lists this as his profession.

I then asked ‘Banking on a Saturday?’ and he replied that ‘Banking doesn’t stop for the weekends’. I asked what he did in banking, suspecting that he was in customer service, but hoping he was keeping the world turning with some kind of critical senior IT role or something. He replied saying ‘Mostly I work on savings accounts and term deposits’. I then bit the bullet and asked ‘Customer Service?” to which he replied ‘Sometimes’.

I know it sounds particularly shallow and heartless, but my future husband does not work in a call centre, wearing a head set, logging his toilet and lunch breaks into a call tracking system. Especially at 38.

He also told me he likes cats. Clearly there were already irreconcilable differences between us.

I’ve started talking to a couple of other guys, but nothing has really caught my eye just yet. There are a lot to sift through though, so stay tuned!