Joining the Mile High Club…Sorta, Kinda, Not Really


So, I’ve been a slack lazy tart on this blog lately. But with good reason (I think/hope!?!) 

I’ve been focusing my attention on holidays. When I turned 36 in March (how the fuck did that happen so quick?!?) I decided that I hadn’t travelled nearly enough, so I decided to do #12tripsin12months. I’m now up to trip 8 and have been to some awesome places and made some seriously good memories. There is a very good chance that this could become #24tripsin24months or #36tripsin36months….

I’ve got a need for speed and a taste for adventure so I’ve been pretty busy on these trips and not really had much time for men. Some trips I’ve done with friends, some with family and some alone because my favourite person to hang out with is me….😎

But something completely random happened on my last trip when I was flying from Broome to Perth. I’d had this AMAZING two week holiday by myself starting in Exmouth Western Australia swimming with Humpback whales, then to Broome where the highlight was the horizontal falls day trip where I travelled by 4WD, then seaplane, then helicopter and jet boat. Yeh, it was pretty low key….

I started the journey back to Sydney by checking in at Broome’s very basic airport that was almost like a bus shelter and the customer service woman asked if I wanted to be upgraded to an exit row. I said sure. 

As I was boarding, the customer service woman told the guy in queue in front of me that he was upgraded to an exit row and asked if that was ok. He said yes. I followed him onto the flight and found that we were in the same row, which was the front row with a spare seat between us. 

We said hello and I joked to him that it was typical to get upgraded to the pointy end of the plane only when there isn’t a business class (we were on a lil’ Fokker regional flight). 

Then we kept chatting as everyone got settled. The flight attendant came and educated us on our responsibilities as exit row people and I warned him that in the case of emergency I was pushing him out the way and taking off down the slide first. 

We took off in silence and just as I was wondering if I should put my earphones in, we started chatting again. He was on his way home to Perth and I told him about some of my WA adventures. 

The inflight meal came and it was the absolute worst. It was bloody lucky it came with wine. I told him about the amazing meat pie I’d had on my QantasLink flights between Perth and Exmouth and because I can’t help but take photos of almost everything I eat (it really is quite the mystery as to why I’m single right?!?) I showed him the photographic evidence of said pie. 

Then we took a photographic journey of my life. My recent travels, the love of my life (my car), the racetrack…all whilst the wine flowed. We kept buzzing the attendants for more wine. It was a night flight and the cabin was dim and we were clearly pissing other people off with how loud we were talking and laughing. 

Quite a few wines on, I was showing my emergency exit buddy more pics of my holiday and swiped through some poolside cocktail selfies. He stopped me and swiped back and said, and I quote, ‘you look pretty when you smile’. 

Ok, it’s on! Like donkey….

Anyhoo, more wine, more flirts, more sexy glances and then in amongst the sleepy cabin he says quietly ‘kiss me’. 

Now I’m a lady and shit, so I said ‘noooooo, that’s weird’. And I meant it. For a nano second. 

The we pashed on. On a plane. Two complete strangers having met only 2 hours ago. And I’m sure the rest of the plane noticed as suddenly instead of lots of giggling we were silent. 

We landed and it wasn’t until I stood up that I realised how truly pissed I was. As we were waiting for the doors to open he grabbed my ass and I squealed and everyone turned to look at me. Because I’m classy AF. 

Just imagine if we actually needed to operate the emergency slide. Two bumbling messes getting the door open (maybe) followed by weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! 😂

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Hey Blue Eyes…

Alaskan MalamuteA new year brings a lot of new blood, or shall I say fresh meat to online dating! It seems all those that had no one to pash on NYE start the year wanting to find someone. It’s nice to see some new talent on the sites and I am currently talking to so many guys on Tinder that I can’t remember who said what.

This situation won’t last of course. I will soon find out some terrible insight into their soul that makes me unmatch most of them before they progress to the next dating round (the phone interview…). You know, something like them being a vegetarian for example.

But today I was chatting to a guy who decided to compliment me on my eyes. I get this all the time, but I’m not too sure if it’s because guys do genuinely like them, or that compliment is just in their dating toolkit of tricks. The other one that I think is a tried and true standard compliment is the ‘you have a really great smile’.

But the compliment today was not generic….

Tinder Husky

Well then, you can’t really argue with that logic. I’ll take it!

Things That Do Not Attract the Ladies #2 – Mirror Selfies

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Now don’t get me wrong. I actually love a selfie. When I get together with my girlfriends we always end up with a series of selfies taken before we go out once we have drunk ourselves pretty! We even continue to take them when we are out and about. Often people pass by and offer to take a photo of us thinking they are being kind, but where is the fun in that? The selfie is always better than a posed pic!

I’m even the proud owner of a selfie stick. Oh yes I am! I took it along to New Years Eve celebrations last night and I got the usual eye rolls when I got it out as everyone thinks it is lame – UNTIL they play with it. Then it is the best thing ever invented. Even better than Tinder…

But the mirror selfie is sooooooo 2014. It has to go. It never looks good on a dating profile. Never. There are a few different varieties, but pretty much they all look the same….

From the shirtless & headless shot above, to the shots that show more phone than face:

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Or a personal fave, the feigned casual / natural pose:

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Really, if you are going to do a mirror selfie you should go the whole hog, own it and really bring it:

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Or get creative, use some flair! Do it backwards:

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Or do a tandem mirror selfie with an accomplice:

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It’s such a shame that there are so many eligible bachelors online, but so little time to date them all!

Speed Dating – the Best Way to Meet Chicks

Dating couple scene, love confession

I’ve been speed dating a number of times over the past 6 or 7 years and I’m starting to think I have a memory disorder as each and every time I’ve said NEVER AGAIN afterwards….but there has always been another time. Well, NEVER AGAIN!

Yesterday I just happened to look at a speed dating site and saw that there was a session running that night that had one female place left. I had no plans and it was meant to be a ‘Successful Professionals’ session which sounded right up my alley, so I thought why not?!

I remembered why not when I arrived. Nothing makes you feel more like a giant as a 5’10” woman than speed dating. The event might as well have been a ‘Garden Gnome’ session as most of the men were pocket sized.

There were only two adult sized men there. Candidate No.1 was my first date of the evening and didn’t play his cards close to his chest at all. Our 8 minutes together flew by really quickly and by the end of our speed date he told me that we’d be continuing this chat later when we match. Well, I do like a man with confidence and he did have quite a nice expressionful face, so ticked Yes next to his name on my match card.

The other tall guy, Candidate No. 2 was wearing a bright blue shirt, perhaps to stand out from the crowd. A few years ago when I went to a lunchtime speed dating event, one of the guys was wearing a bright pink shirt. Every girl commented on it and certainly remembered him so it was well played on his behalf. I matched with that guy at that event and later when google stalking him found out he ran some kind of dating coaching business that gives advice to men. So I guess he was at the event for research/practice. We never went out after that….

Anyhoo, Candidate No.2 was quite nice looking with a really cheeky smile and his name was Lachlan. At one stage my psychic was telling me that my future husband was named Lachlan but I’ve never actually dated one, so I thought ooooh here is my chance! The conversation soon moved on to what we did for work and he soon revealed he was an actor with about 4 jobs to support him when he isn’t acting. Hmmmm I hope my disappointment wasn’t too obvious on my face when he revealed that….

But he was nice and funny and I thought I might as well tick his box as a yes.

The rest of the dates were mostly just nice friendly chats. It’s amazing how fast 8 minutes can fly past when on these dates, especially considering when microwaving food 2 minutes seems to take a lifetime! There was a veritable smorgasbord of undesirable men to pick from, ranging from the labourer/landscape gardener with a mohawk (how is that successful professional?? Or the actor for that matter…), to the real estate guy that seemed a little special the poor love, to the guy with the creepy moustache that looked a bit like he would be a rapist.

BUT as always happens to me at this things, I met some great chicks! There were 3 women there that I had some great chats with and they would be awesome wingwomen. So we all swapped numbers and it’s likely I’ll line up a date with them, so the night was not a total bust.

Today when the match email came through from the company, I had matched with Candidate No.1 but the only other guy I ticked out of the 11 guys, Candidate No.2 had obviously not ticked me. Oh well! I don’t have a good track record with actors anyway.

The email also told me that I must have been a good date as over 70% of the men at the event ticked yes to me, so I’m now an ‘Elite’ member. I was feeling pretty chuffed with myself for that….until I realised that most of those guys were complete losers that likely ticked yes to everyone just to give them the best chance possible of scoring a date. They probably play Tinder by just swiping right for everyone too.

But again I have come to the conclusion that speed dating is not for me. Those that have a Top 5 / Top 83 list of criteria for dating will never find success with a generic event like that. After the speed dating wrapped up we all went downstairs and more and more info about everyone came spilling out. Some of the men were serial speed daters having been to many events and Candidate No.1 has 3 children, which you all know I don’t dig at all so I won’t be pursuing that match.

I did search the speed dating company’s website for a session that appropriately met my criteria, but there were unfortunately no ‘Unicorn’ sessions…..

The Awkward One

Lovers at Sunset

Last night I had a very bad date. It was awkward, he was awkward, the whole thing was just wrong.

I hadn’t used RSVP for a while as it was always the same old guys on there and most of them I could talk to on Tinder for free anyway. But a few days ago I logged on and saw some new blood that I decided to contact. I started chatting to this Kiwi guy, 41, 6 foot, had a rugged and manly look to him, divorced but no kids and worked in finance.

We chatted on the phone earlier this week and he sounded fun. We decided to meet up and he said he’d think about where we should go and let me know. Nice, I like it when they plan! We were off to a good start….

The next morning he sends me a txt about 8:30am with his suggestion to meet at a bar at 6:30pm the next night down in the Rocks. I read it, but it was the morning after the awful siege in Sydney so when I arrived at work there was a lot of discussion about that and I got distracted and just forgot to reply to him. At 10:30am he sent another messaging saying ‘not sure if you got my earlier message or not…’ and then he reiterated his suggestion of where to meet.

TWO hours had passed. TWO!!!! Alarm bell 1. I replied giving him a little smack for that by saying ‘yes, but I’ve been busy…’ and told him the venue was good, but let’s make it 7pm. He replied and said ‘yes, 7pm works better for me anyway’. Ok, why did you suggest 6:30pm then?!

Later that day I sent him a message, mostly as I felt a little bad about the morning exchange. He replied an hour later and apologised for the delay in responding. I think we have a clingy one here….

Then on the day of the date I get a txt from him saying ‘looking forward to our date tonight?’ YES it was a question. Who does that? You can tell me that you are looking forward to the date, but do you really need me to stroke your ego by asking if I’m looking forward to meeting you?

When I get to the bar I immediately notice that he is short. Admittedly I’m wearing heels, but he is definitely not 6 foot. I think 5’11” at best. They always add an extra inch….

He says hello and smiles at me and oh fuck, he has a great big gap between his teeth. Now, you all must know how much that would thrill me with ‘nice teeth’ being in my Top 5 criteria. How did I miss this?!? Did his pics not have his teeth showing? Why wasn’t I prepared for this? I’ve really let my dating game slip lately…

That bar was too busy, so we walked to another around the corner and there was one free table so he suggested I grab it and he’d get us some drinks. I said I’d have a NZ Sav Blanc and I went to sit down, keeping an eye on him so he didn’t roofie my drink of course. When he returns, he’s got two glasses of red and says ‘you said Shiraz didn’t you?’ looking all hopeful. No. How did you fuck that up man?!

I thought to myself oh whatever, if you finish this drink quick you can be back and in the car before the all night rate at the car park kicks in. We sit and chat awkwardly and I can’t help but notice a lot of attractive tall men at the bar that I would rather be talking to. At one point a guy that must have been 7 foot walks in and catches my eye and I even said to my date ‘geeze that guy is tall’. That was probably a little mean…

As we chat I can’t stop looking at his teeth, but also his hands. He has really stumpy fingers. They don’t seem to match his body at all. I wonder why…..oh ok, I’m back in the room. He’s asked me something and is looking at me awaiting my answer. Ooopps….

The conversation moves on to cars and I tell him that I’ve been looking at new cars lately and what they all were. He tells me he doesn’t care much for spending money on new cars, that they are a complete waste of money, a depreciating asset blah blah. This is an irreconcilable difference! I love nice cars and the rational side of me knows that they are money pits, but I enjoy them so it’s worth the cash. We clearly have no relationship potential at all!

The conversation improves a bit after that and when he finishes his wine he asks if I’d like to get some food. I have no idea why, but I say sure and he goes let’s head off to get some at the Opera Bar. Oh crap, that’s like a 5 min walk from here and we are getting further and further away from my car…

As we walk around the harbour towards the Opera House we are chatting about really non-interesting things when he grabs my hand and holds it. WTF? There has been no signs that this is on the cards. There were no flirty eyes, no cheeky banter, nothing! I know it sounds awful, but I immediately look at the people at the outdoor seating of the restaurants along the water and think ‘crap, do I know anyone in there?’

He must sense my discomfort and immediately says ‘I hope that’s ok’. I reply ‘no’ and pull my hand away and then add ‘it’s a bit too early’. We then walk on in uncomfortable silence whilst I sing Bon Jovi’s ‘shot down in a blaze of glory’ in my head.

We get to the bar and I’m so regretting not abandoning the sinking ship after the wine. We order, I try to go halves as I know I’m never going to see this guy again, but he won’t let me pay at all. I suggest going to the bar to get us drinks, but he says no he’ll get them and when I insist he says he doesn’t know what he wants. We go to the bar together and order and I pretty much force the bar lady to take my cash as he is still trying to pay.

He finds us a nice table with some comfy chairs looking straight at the harbour bridge and it would have been lovely had I been with someone I liked! The food takes forever to arrive and when it does it is terrible. When we are talking he is an Interrupter, otherwise we are sitting there in silence.

It turns 9pm and I tell him that I must be off as the car park will close soon and I won’t be able to get my car out. We head off and I am so disinterested in him that I decide to pull a pair of flats out of my bag and change out of my heels as I’m worried I’m getting a blister and he isn’t worth the pain! I even do it in a really non-classy way on the side of the path in front of him.

We get to the car park entry, I kiss him on the cheek and head off. I get a txt soon after from him asking if I’d like to see him again. It’s been minutes since I was last seeing him!

I didn’t reply last night and intended to send the thanks but no thanks message this morning but again I forgot about this poor bugger. I got a message at lunchtime from him asking if I was ok. Oh dear….

The Interrupter

Woman taping-up mans mouth

I’ve been a little quiet on the blogging front lately as I spent most of last week in bed. Not in the sweaty OMG hot sex kinda way, more the sweaty OMG I’m so sick I’m going to die….alone…and be eaten by alsatians in a Bridget Jones style kinda way.

But prior to that I had another incident with a guy that failed to disclose his parental status to me until quite deep into our Tinder conversation. I had asked early on, but in a roundabout jokey way that he either intentionally avoided answering, or perhaps my approach was too subtle.

He was late 30’s, smart, tall, cute and was really into trying new restaurants and even cooking as well. Tick! He was running his own business that he launched originally in Tasmania and he said that he commuted between the Sydney and Tasmania offices every fortnight, but most of his time was in Sydney. I did think at the time that of all the cities in Australia to have offices if you had only two, Tasmania would not be one of them, but it sounded plausible if he was from there… I guess.

After the debacle of the stalker a few weeks back, I was not moving off Tinder with this guy until I knew if he had kids. I directly asked this time, he took a while to answer and then replied something along the lines of ‘well if it’s that important, yes I do have a daughter in Tasmania…..blah blah’.

I was about to hit the unmatch button, but then I had second thoughts. I think the Christmas season makes me lower my standards more charitable, as around this time last year I decided to give 6’6″ Dad a go. We’d already discussed some of the same restaurants that we wanted to try, so I thought what the hell, we might have a fun dinner together at least.

I was honest and told him that if I saw that he had a child from his profile when flicking through Tinder I would have not swiped right for him, but we were having a great chat so let’s see what happens.

We exchanged numbers and the following night he txt’d about 9:30pm to see if I wanted to chat. Not quite booty call time, so I gave him a call. Turns out he was a little tiddly after being out on a date that night with a Tinder girl that looked nothing like her pics. Thanks for sharing buddy. Ding…am I the next number in queue at the deli counter?? I’ll have that big kransky over there please….

So we were already off to a rocky start and of course it got worse from there. He seemed somewhat nervous and launched into the worst kind of dating conversation in my opinion – asking questions from dating site profiles.

‘So, what do you like to do for fun?’

‘What is your all time favourite movie?’

‘What type of relationship are you looking for?’

Yawn……. So unnatural, so unsparky, so dull.

But the worst part of it was that he wouldn’t let me finish answering any of his questions before interrupting me mid sentence to ask another question! He was conscious of it too as he kept apologising for it.

This is something I absolutely cannot stand. I probably hate it more than people keeping me waiting when they are late. Possibly even more than I hate the smell of mandarins and that is A LOT! I sometimes fake a severe allergy to mandarins to make people not eat the vile things near me….it’s a very, very rare, little known medical condition alright ;p

So after about 20 mins of infuriating conversation I told him that I was really tired and I was going to bed. He apologised profusely for the interrupting and I said goodnight. I thought it was pretty obvious to both of us that the call was the final nail in his coffin, but 30 minutes later he sent me a txt again apologising for his rude behaviour.

And I thought he was smart……

To Friend or Not to Friend, That is the Question

Hot key for friends

Recently I mentioned a guy that I had met on Tinder who I’d exchanged numbers with, but he was quite sick so it took a while for us to really get talking about meeting up. Once we did, contact accelerated quickly and he was texting and calling quite a bit. I was deep into uni work at the time and it was actually kind of sweet that he kept checking in with me to see how I was going and give me little study breaks.

On one of these breaks I was enjoying a glass (or two) of wine in the bath, which is one of my favourite pastimes (don’t judge me) when he called. It went to voicemail which states my full name and he left a message saying something along the lines of “Hello Ms <inset real name here>….” Later when I called him back it was quite obvious that he had looked me up on Facebook and that my privacy settings had become a little lax as he was talking about photos I’d posted that day!

It was weird, but it wasn’t like he had stalked me to find me surname as per Mr Creepy. He moved on to putting shit on me for my habit of drinking wine in the bath and I jokingly replied with “well I’m a Pisces you see, so it’s written in the stars that I love water”. He then revealed he was a Pisces too and when I asked him what date, he said exactly the same date as my birthday. I instantly felt creeped out thinking he is messing with me as it must be on my Facebook profile too and that I’ll really need to lock that sucker down! But he sent me a pic of his licence with his address cropped out and it turns out he did have exactly the same birthday as me, just 2 years older. For my birthday this year my girlfriends who I see the psychic with every year bought me an astrology book about which star signs are supposedly a good match for each other. Turns out Pisces and Pisces is the worst combination, so I guess it was destined to never work out with this guy! You can’t fight astrology right?!?

That conversation also turned bad for two other reasons. First, after 2 glasses of wine I was a little loose lipped and for some reason told him that I write a dating blog. He searched for it with very little detail from me, found it and read the whole thing before we met, giving him far too much insight into me without needing to get to know me! Unfair advantage.

The second bad thing was that he Facebook friend requested me on that call and tried to get me to accept. Yes some parts of my page were public, but not much and I thought it strange to Facebook friend request me before me met. But it did get me thinking when is the right time to Facebook friend request someone?

You can learn a lot about someone from their Facebook page. What lame internet memes do they find funny? Are they really single? Do they have kids they have conveniently omitted from the conversation? And important life issues like if they wear Crocs, or listen to Roxette (which the latter would make me instantly fall in love with them – it’s been retro week in my car this week and it’s been all Roxette, INXS and George Michael. I’m ridiculously cool…..)

But when is the right time to open up this insight? I’ve unfriended a number of guys that I perhaps prematurely connected with before realising that they were a tool. It feels so petty to ‘unfriend’ someone, but if you’ve finished dating, you might as well cut them loose.

I ignored the Facebook friend request until after we met. We caught up at local wine bar and he was good looking, cheeky and flirty. We had a couple of glasses of wine, ordered some pizzas and hung out in the cute courtyard garden for a couple of hours. It was a great date, non-stop chat, some leg touching and a little kissing. Eventually it was time to head off, he paid the bill (saying that he knows I like that from my blog) and he walked me to my car. There he seemed to be trying to ramp up the kissing, but I shut it down and got in the car to go home.

We exchanged some messages that night, I accepted his friend request and went to bed. The next day we txted a little more, but he said he was feeling a bit tired and unwell again. Over the next few days there were a couple of messages, but nothing particularly interesting and it just fizzled out. So I unmatched him in Tinder and unfriended him on Facebook.

What happened? Was it that I relentlessly post food porn on my Facebook which makes people too hungry?? Probably not. Mostly with great first dates that go nowhere I assume that it’s because the guy was playing his A game for some action that evening and if it doesn’t happen he disappears. So let’s go with that. No skin off my nose…onwards and upwards!