Return of the Mike

Remember Mike? The missing potentially eligible bachelor? A couple of weeks ago as I was rapidly flicking through Tinder, I saw a familiar face flash across my screen. As often happens when you have swiped left 86 times in a row, it is very hard to stop the momentum.

So his profile was gone. Again. Forever….

Ok maybe not. I wasn’t talking to anyone interesting in my matches chat window and curiosity about Mike got the better of me. I restarted my Tinder profile and got back to swiping, but a little more cautiously than before.

It took a good few days of on and off swiping through likely a thousand or more guys, but I eventually saw his profile again.

When I was first talking to Mike he had one profile pic up. We were exchanging phone numbers to line up a meet, but I would have needed to see more than one pic before I decided to do that of course. I’m still scarred from all those bad teeth incidents…..

Anyhoo, his profile now had three pics. And the two new ones were bad. Very bad. In one he was wearing sunglasses. Yes, this is very common with online dating as most people look hot in sunglasses. Most, but not all…

But these were little John Lennon type glasses. So bad. So very bad. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

Before I swiped left I noticed something else didn’t look quite right. I thought he was in his late 30’s when we were last talking, but his profile now says he is 42. I check back to my original blog post about him and his profile last time said he was 38. My post was 6 months ago, not 4 years!

Someone commented on the blog post at the time that they thought he sounded dodgy by the way he was randomly on and off tinder. They suggested he was probably married and couldn’t linger on there for fear of getting caught. Perhaps they were right?!?

Or was I about to be catfished by ‘Mike’? Hmmmm that would have made for a more interesting blog post I guess…

The Very Cheeky Englishman

Of all the dating sites that I have tried, POF is certainly the worst. I’ve looked at it a few times and have always found that most of the guys can barely string a sentence together. But my friend Ms A was using it and convinced me to give it another look in.

Scrolling through the masses of degenerates someone catches my eye and we get chatting. Mr T has nice pics, he is tall (well 6 foot), has his own business, lives in a nice area, is 40, no kids, a non-smoker, has a coherent profile. Tick, tick, tick.

We chat a little online and exchange numbers. When I call the next day, I get his voicemail and I am surprised to hear an English accent. Oh no, I wasn’t aware of this fact. I didn’t leave a message, rather I jumped straight online to check his profile again. His teeth, I need to see the teeth!! In my experience I’ve met a lot of people from the UK with bad teeth, so I usually avoid them online unless I can clearly see the teeth situation from the pics. Don’t hate me UK readers…

Fortunately he is smiling in his pics, his teeth on full display, they are all there and they are perfect. Phew….

When Mr T calls back we chat for about half an hour and it’s non-stop laughter. He is hilarious. My cheeks actually hurt from laughing when we hang up.

We arrange a date for the following night. He arrives early and txts me whilst I’m still on my way into the city asking what I want to drink so he can have it waiting for me. I tell him that I’ll get something when I get there. First rule of online dating, don’t let them roofie you too easily…

When I arrive I call him to find him as the bar is really busy and I like what I see when I get there. He is very pleasant looking and he seems to quite like me…as he tells me. A number of times. Oh stop it Mr T, no go on, no stop, no go on…

We get a bottle of wine and it disappears fast. I try to buy the second bottle, but he won’t let me claiming that he is a gentleman and that just won’t do. When he returns from the bar which I am sitting with my back to, he swiftly leans down from behind my shoulder and kisses me saying that “he just had to do that”. Ok the cynical ‘I’ve dated a lot of douchey men’ side of me thinks oh what a tosser, but the quite tiddly side of me thinks he is quite lovely…and a good kisser. #winning

The second bottle somehow disappears too and we both need to head to the bathroom (separately of course…) and as we are walking along I notice that I seem a bit taller than him. He was meant to be 6 foot, I’m 5’10”, but I was likely wearing 3 inch heels so I expected a little difference, but this is more than an inch. Whilst wondering that thought he stops me and pulls me in for another kiss. Oh he finds me irresistible. Stop it Mr T, no go on, oh whatevs…..#YOLO.

We get a third bottle of wine and my previous fuzzy thoughts about it probably being a wise idea to get some food have dissipated. Who knows where that bottle goes, but all of a sudden I’m drunk. Drunk, drunkity, drunk, drunk!

Remember how cautious I was about not getting drugged and being incapable of fending off a dodgy internet guy earlier in the night? No? Me either…

After plenty of shameless public pashing it is time to call it a night. He walks me to the cab rank, kisses me and tells me that he really doesn’t want to send me home, but he knows it’s the right thing to do being a gentleman and all. See, he does have morals! He puts me in the back of the cab and then leans into the front window and hands the cab driver cash to take me home. What the hell? How old school. Indeed a gentleman. I’m kinda digging it…

He then proceeds to send me quite dirty txt messages all the way home…..well actions speak louder than words right? ;p

The Little One

Woman, showing small amount gesture with handLast week I started talking to an Irish guy on Tinder. He told me that he was new to the Tinder game and that he had never met anyone from the app before. He also asked if I wanted the great honour of being his first!

Yes, it was probably a line. Yes, it worked!

There was only one problem. After agreeing to meet, he then mentioned his height – 5’9″.

I’m 5’10” and I quite like wearing heels with a man! I was disappointed, but I’ve been asked a lot lately by my girlfriends if height was really that much of a deal breaker for me as they know some great shorter guys.

Well ok, I give in. It’s time to prove or disprove the importance of this item on my list.

We were getting along well on Tinder with really sparky conversation, then also on txt and we arranged to meet one night after work last week. Again I had left the phone screen round to the last minute and there seemed to be no time to squeeze it in before our date.

But on the day of our date, another aspect of my life took an unexpected turn and I decided to cancel as I needed to get some things sorted. I called him to postpone our date until later in the week. When he answers he has the sexiest Irish accent and I wish that I had called him earlier! He is completely fine with postponing the date, but he is about to travel interstate to visit family so we agree to meet for lunch on Tuesday this week.

He sends a couple of txts over the weekend and I’m quite looking forward to our lunch.

On the day I turn up at the restaurant bang on time (as usual) and he txts that he is a few minutes away. Grrrr….

When he approaches I can’t help but notice his height and he is definitely more than one inch shorter than me. As we know, men always add an extra inch.

We take a seat, he takes his sunglasses off and I notice that he is nice looking……but I also can’t help but notice that his teeth have likely not seen a dentist in about 10 years. Nor dental floss. Possibly ever. Ok SSIS, let it go….

We order and whilst we wait for our food he asks me a heap of questions. Eventually I get to ask him some and start with asking how his weekend interstate was. He tells me that it was good as he has a child who lives there and he got to spend a lot of time with them….

Kaboom! Seriously. You cannot drop the fact that you have a child into casual conversation like that!! And it gets worse.

The child is quite young and the result of a ‘short-term relationship’ with the mum. Okkkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyyy….

I half-heartedly listen to him talking about his family court battles whilst we finish our meal. Then it is time to wrap that shit up!

I left the date feeling annoyed. I believe there are 3 things that should always be disclosed upfront when dating. Based on my experience talking to both guys that I’ve dated and other single women, height, smoking status and kids are most often the deal breakers.

Oh and teeth. Ok, no, maybe that’s just me…

I’ve been too busy for dating, but….

I decided to put a pause on my online dating activities mid-Jan as I had discovered that my final term at uni was going to take a lot of my time for the next few months. I’m almost at the end now though, just a week and a half to go, and it’s completely killing me! So much to do, so little time….

But, sometimes opportunities arise that you’ve just got to seize. Like that dinner club invitation I had a few weeks ago (major disappointment though…) and last week it was a reminder email that my stamps were about to expire on RSVP. I bought them when I met that guy that had the surprise gappy teeth and who did that awkward hand holding move on our date. Our one and only date…

So I wasn’t feeling too hopeful about using these stamps up, particularly as most of the men on there I’ve already rejected, or chatted briefly to before they appeared to be idiots, or dated and they were definitely idiots!

But I logged on and had a look around and given that I had a 3 day deadline to use the 5 stamps I had bought, plus a free birthday stamp they threw at me, I attacked this problem Oprah style. Yes, you get a kiss, and you get a kiss, everyone gets a kiss!

For those unfamiliar with how RSVP works (or doesn’t work for that matter…), the process is that you send a free kiss of predetermined text to someone you’re interested in, they can then respond with a free kiss to let you know if they are interested or not. Then it’s usually up to the originating kisser to cough up some bucks to send an email message.

I’ve always liked to be the emailer as so often I tire of the guys after one or two emails and if I’ve paid for the stamp, I don’t feel so bad when I give up on them and block them. If they’ve paid, I feel like a real nasty bitch.

So I sent some kisses out and waited for the replies. On 3 occasions the guys went straight to email from my original kiss, which is nice that they are keen, but it kind of annoyed me as it wasn’t helping me burn my stamp credits and they have all turned out to be rather dull.

I got down to two last stamps before they expired, so I’ve got communication open with a few guys. Two are only 30 and I turned 34 last week (eeeek, how did that happen so fast?!?), so I think they may be a bit ‘junior’ for me. Another is just a disappointment. His profile was very non-specific about his work, it just mentioned that he had lots of ‘goals and dreams’, but he had dreamy blue eyes and I’m a bit partial to those, so I took a chance. In his first email to me he mentioned that he didn’t have to work this weekend which he said was ‘unusual and nice’. Alarm bells! So I asked what he did for work and the response was that he works at a Liquorland. Yep, doing customer service. Dreamy blue eyes do not cut it when you are a 34 yr old checkout dude in my opinion. Yes, I probably sound like a heinous bitch. But whatevs….

The other guy has also caused alarm bells, but for a different reason. Years ago I saw a film called Sliver with Billy Baldwin and Sharon Stone. It’s a very cool, sexy thriller type movie. I give it 5 stars. Check it out.

But this particular movie has affected me ever since I first saw it. Billy Baldwin owns/caretaker a high rise apartment block which he has loaded up with secret cameras in the apartments and he watches the residents shower, eat, have sex etc.

I’ve had a weird paranoia about people watching me via secret camera in hotels in particular ever since. Yes, because I’m that narcissistic that I think I’m interesting enough for people to want to watch me…

But in recent years I’ve dated a few people that I feel exhibited stalker behaviour and who were in a great position to do so. From the guy in national security who seemed to always message me as soon as I turned off my alarm on my phone each morning, at various times each day and often as soon as I got home from work, again at various times each day too. Then the neighbour detective that would constantly casually knock on my door seconds after I got home, even if I purposely tip-toed past his door and concentrated on opening my own door with barely a sound. He would also mysteriously turn up at my courtyard fence popping his head over like Wilson in that Tim Allen show from the 90’s, Home Improvement. Sometimes with his gun. However being gigantically tall at 6’6″ you of course saw most of him!

The last security threat from RSVP is a professional hacker. Apparently he gets paid by major companies to stress test their security. Alarm bells! I had not long finished watching the ep of Catfish where a girl had been talking to a guy that was watching her through her webcam without her knowledge, so I immediately felt like placing some duct tape over my own webcam whilst typing to him just to be on the safe side…

He asked me a few standard questions about myself, like where do I live, what do I do for work and what do I like doing for fun. I joking replied that he could probably already work those things out with his skill set, but he tactfully said he’d prefer if I told him.

His profile had only one pic on it and it was a pic which was not displaying any teeth. I was already once bitten, twice shy about that from RSVP after gappy teeth, so I attempted to tactfully ask to see more pics so I could determine if ‘he was a psycho or not’ claiming that I can usually tell with multiple pics. He replied saying he could email me some, so I gave him my generic email address that gives no clues about me away.

He sent a pic. It again had no teeth. I then decided to just come out with it and said I wanted to see a pic of his teeth! I don’t have time to mess around with surprise deal breakers, so I’d prefer to know about the teeth situation up front. Yes, I know that supports the view that I may be a heinous bitch, but hey, teeth are my thing!

I actually had dinner a few weeks ago with some friends who were telling me about an ep of the Australian version of Dating in the Dark that they had recently watched. They told me that a girl had met this guy that had all the qualities she wanted (hot bod, personal trainer, they got along really well in the dark) but when she got to see him, she saw he had red hair and freckles and she was out. I told my friends that I understood her saying no. They were outraged and queried if I would do the same thing if I met someone who seemed like my absolute unicorn in the dark. Bad teeth would definitely be my out clause in that situation. I could probably work with the red hair….if it wasn’t all over his body.

Funny smile orangutan monkey portrait

So although the hacker said it was the weirdest thing he’d ever been asked to do on the internet (doubt it…) he sent me a teeth pic and they all checked out. After a few more emails he was keen to meet up this weekend. I got stuck at uni all day Saturday so I called him on the way home that afternoon just for a chat to suss out if I would be keen to meet him or not. They always need to pass the chat test!

When I called him I was quite surprised that he had a strong South African accent. He hadn’t mentioned that before, but he has been in Australia for about 5 years. He also sounded quite jittery and I’m not sure if it was a nervous giggle, but his laugh is horrible. Like cringe worthy bad. Now I love people that make me laugh and I also love making others laugh a lot, so this may be a deal breaker. My Top 17 criteria may be getting a new addition.

We spoke for about 20 mins whilst I drove home and I used the ‘busy with uni’ card to buy me some more time to get out of this situation. I’m pretty sure I’m not keen, but you never know I guess…