The Other Side of the Story

Young woman writes an SMS to your mobile phoneHello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all….

Ok, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sorry, for everything that I’ve done….

Yep, I’ve been busy singing Adele songs and not really dating much, so I’ve had nothing to write about.

But something did happen recently that has made me reconsider my sometimes harsh treatment of men that I deem to have behaved in a cowardly way. I still don’t think it’s a nice way to treat people, but I now somewhat understand it.

A few months ago I was out at a show with Ms A and we’d had many a glass of wine. After the show people continued to linger in a beer garden type area and my memory is a bit fuzzy, but we got talking to a security guard. The place closed and as Ms A and I were heading to get a cab, the security guard appears again and we get chatting and joke around which included taking some photos of us. He is going out, but we are going home, so we exchange phone numbers and he says he will be in contact as maybe we can catch up the next night.

The next morning I awake with a mighty headache and looking through the photos on my phone I wonder why I was interested in this guy. He is tall and has nice teeth, but he isn’t my usual type. And he is wearing a reflective vest. Oh that’s right, wine…

I don’t hear from him that day and I forget about him. Until the following month. Ms A and I and another friend Ms K are out and about at a wine festival. We’re about 3 glasses in and feeling a little tiddly when we stumble upon a familiar face wearing a reflective vest.

Not that I was interested, but this guy never contacted me so I play it cool and politely say hello, but I have better things to do. But as the festival plays on, I’ve drunk more and I find myself winking at him as I pass by him. Now my closest friends know that I’m rubbish at winking so it probably looked like a bad twitch, but whatevs….

The day progressed, we get a little messy and by the time the ferry arrives to take us back to the city we are very very tiddly. On the ferry, everyone is in a good mood, there is music and dancing and lots of drinking and it’s getting quite dark outside. I find my security guard and I think we chatted and flirted for a bit (?!?) and the next thing I know we are pashing. On the ferry. In the middle of everyone. Whilst he is working. Okaaaaaaaaayyyy….

When we arrive at the wharf we swap numbers again and he goes off to get changed as he plans to meet up with us at the bar. I attempt to rejoin the ladies but Ms K has decided to call it a day. Ms A and I decide there is no talent at that bar, so we head off to have cocktails at another bar whilst Mr Security calls and txts asking if I’m still at the original bar.

I’ve moved on already and ignore it. He ditched me last time. I haven’t done anything he didn’t do first right??

The next morning, again hungover as shit, he txts and asks if I remember him. Of course I do, I wasn’t THAT drunk. A few hours later after not responding, he txts again saying ‘why did you give me your number if you aren’t going to reply?’

And now I feel bad. I don’t want to be slack to him, but I know I’m not interested. I respond and play the ‘sorry, ended up going home early with my friends last night’ card and tell him I can’t chat as I’m out.

Over the next few days he messages every day and I do that thing that I hate guys doing where I was answering with basic answers that encouraged no further conversation. But he wasn’t letting me off so lightly. One night he said goodnight to me and my real name is Michelle (I think we’ve known each other long enough for me to reveal that to you…) but he spelt it Mechail. Honestly. I’m not even shitting you.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd I’m definitely out…..

The next weekend I was heading out with another friend Ms M and he suggests that maybe we can meet up later. I try and play it cool saying I won’t have a big night out, so unlikely. He txts at 8:30pm asking if I’m having a good night. Then again at 10:30pm asking what I’m up to. Then at midnight I get a ‘Mechail?????’

Why? Why am I doing this to myself?

I don’t hear from him the next day, but the day after I get a message asking why I ignored him that night. Why can’t he just get the point? There is NO WAY I would be this pathetic with a man!

Why can’t I just say to him ‘It’s because I don’t like you’. At brunch that day Ms J suggests I send him this…

NOT INTO YOU

And I realise that is exactly the problem. I feel bad because I was keen when I saw him in person. Drunk. But not enough to want to do it again sober.

I can very easily be upfront and tell guys that I’m not interested when I’ve been out with them and realised that there was nothing there and nothing happened. But it feels really mean when I’ve attempted to pick him up twice AND pashed him. A lot.

This realisation made me think about all the guys that go AWOL after one or two or even three great dates. For whatever reason they have decided that they no longer want to see you, maybe they’ve met someone else in the meantime, but they never tell you, they just disappear. You never get a response to your last txt and it’s nicer to assume they died….a gruesome death that involves their penis being sliced off. Fuckers….

It seems kinder to ghost than to say you’re not interested to someone that you at some point did seem interested in. You don’t want to hurt their feelings. After all, you were genuinely  interested….at some point….at some very drunken point.

So I’ve ghosted him now. It’s for the best. I just hope I don’t run into him and his reflective vest again anytime soon…

 

 

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Rob’s Dating Horror Story

I asked for bad dating stories and you guys have delivered. Here is Rob’s story….

On Valentine’s Day in 2004, I was at my weekend job at the hardware store when I got a message. It read (last name changed for privacy – and comedic – reasons):

“Hey there, it’s Crystal Meth, are you going out tonight? If so let me know and we can catch up. PS Happy Valentine’s Day xx”

The name sounded familiar, so I asked my work friends if they knew her. They too thought it sounded familiar, but couldn’t pick her, so I responded with:

“I have no idea who you are, but Happy Valentine’s day to you too!”

Then it continued:

“Well, looks like I have the wrong number. So…you know my name, what’s yours?”

“I’m Rob.”

“Nice to meet you Rob, how are you? Where are you from?”

“I’m good thanks. I’m from <suburb>, what about yourself?”

“I’m from <suburb in the same city, which is completely random as a mobile number could be from anywhere in Australia>. So I’m 5’4”, 115 pounds. What about you?”

*assumes she’s learned because she uses imperial units of measurement, so I follow suit*

“Ok, I’m 6’0”, 140 pounds.”

So the banter continues over the next few days, we have a phone conversation, and – seeing as it must be fate that a random text message ends up going to someone who is a) single, b) of the opposite sex, and c) in the same city – decide to go on a date that Wednesday night (phone conversation with Crystal Meth was nice…almost addictive).

During conversations, she’d told me that hippos were her favourite animal, so when I stopped to get fuel on the way, they had fluffy hippos, so I bought one for her and put it on the dash. I also set it up with a mate that lived in the same suburb as her to stay at his place and, should things go south, I would use the “my mate needs me home by 9, because I have to help him unload his fishing boat as payment for staying as his place” excuse (that ol’ chestnut).

So I pull up outside the street address she has given me, and as I hop out of the car and head towards the gate, I hear a rumble from across the street, followed by the gravelliest voice I’ve ever heard:

“Are you Robert?!”

It was barrelling across the road towards me, the inertia more than one man should be placed in front of. It was at that moment that I a) considered saying “no, I just saw you sitting there and need to ask you for directions”, and b) realised that she wasn’t learned at all, but instead didn’t know the difference between pounds and kilograms. But alas, my frightened mouth was too quick to say a shrill “yes” and then I knew I couldn’t pull out now. So in the car she got. She saw the hippo and said “Ooooo a hippo, is that for your…little sister?” (note: I had a sub-3 year old half-sister) to which I replied “yes” and promptly threw it onto the back seat, never to be spoken of again.

“Right, that’s it” I thought to myself – she described herself inaccurately, and I’m not even sure I was talking to the same person on the phone (they sounded completely different – phone Crystal sounded sultry and fun, in-person Crystal sounded like she ate a packet of cigarettes mashed up with gravel for breakfast each morning), so I figured I’d do my best to make sure she didn’t find me attractive whatsoever: I ordered the sloppiest, wateriest meal on the menu (spag bol, with no cheese for extra sloppiness), spoke whilst eating, chatted about (fake) ex’s and pretty much rushed through the whole evening. Whereas over the phone she was fun and the conversation flowed, in order to get her to say anything in person it was like pulling teeth – except for the one piece of information she shared: that her and her friend had walked past bridal shops the day before and had said that she’d be back there soon because she’d met me. Danger Will Robinson.

I pulled my emergency “my mate needs me home by 9, because I have to help him unload his fishing boat as payment for staying as his place” chute, but alas it was only 8:30, so she suggested going for a quick 15 minute walk up the street, to which I agreed (after paying for the meal of course – I might have ordered slop and spoke whilst eating, but I’m still a gentleman)…but OF COURSE during that walk I had to run into Jasmine and Carrie, the smartest, funniest, hottest pair of twins from uni that I knew, who stopped us and asked me to introduce my “friend”.

Anyhoo, back in the car she said “so I’m never to contact you again, right?” to which my (once again, frightened mouth) immediate response was “don’t be like that, if you’re out we can have a drink or something”…which meant that I continued to receive (unreciprocated) text messages for the next 6 months. When I got back to my mate’s place (there was no boat, but they HAD gone fishing), I walked in, went to the fridge, grabbed a beer, sat on the lounge, downed the beer, then proceeded to tell the story, which they thought was absolutely hilarious.

If only memes were around back then, I could have answered it in the way I now answer all unsolicited texts:

Thanks for sharing your story Rob. As promised, a buttload heap of lube and condoms from the guys at Durex is all yours!!

Bad Dating Stories

I think when I put a shout out for bad date stories, I should have described it as bad ‘dating’ stories as I’ve had some great stories come in that didn’t necessarily involve a date as such.

This reminded me of a story from my early days of dating where I frequently (more like always…) stuffed something up in a hideously embarrassing way.

Back in the olden days when I used to walk 10 miles to school every day, in the snow, barefoot….wait, wrong story…..

Back in the olden days when online dating sites were still new, still taboo and full of nothing but weirdos, I met a guy online somehow. I think it possibly could have been through ICQ or some other chat program that I can’t recall the name of now….

This was when people didn’t use fake profile pics to hide their less than desirable appearance. Instead they used the excuse that they didn’t have a scanner to scan a photo (yes an actual photo) right now, but going by their a/s/l (age/sex/location) and the way that they had described themselves, you were confident that they were most definitely going to be totes hot and all. I’m not sure now why I was surprised that day I met a guy who I had pictured as resembling someone off the cast of Home & Away but he turned up looking like Marilyn Manson….

Anyhoo, I’d met this guy, chatted online to the wee hours one night, got his number and the next day I fired up my Nokia Snake gaming device and gave him a call at an appropriate time. Which of course was never on the hour or half hour as that would appear too ‘scheduled’. I’d wait until the clock clicked over to a totally casual random time like say, 8:07pm to call. I was also sitting in my car in a car park, engine running and some new release song playing quietly on my detachable face Kenwood stereo, you know, just to give off the right kind of ambience. Yep, nailing this…

Dialling. Ringing. Voicemail. Shit. Now I’ve gotta come up with a message that conveys that I’m fun, hot and that I call boys off the internet ALL THE TIME.

I rattle off something cool which impresses the shit out of myself, hit hang up and toss the phone onto the passenger seat. I then proceed to fist pump and say ‘yes, yes, yes…..best message ever’ out loud praising myself for my efforts.

Just as I’m about to pull out of the car space, I look left to check for traffic and notice out of the corner of my eye that the phone screen is lit up…..and the call duration is showing…..and the call duration is increasing!!!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Worst. Message. Ever.

The Gentleman Doth Protest Too Much

Tinder has continued to be full of previous disappointments and those that no doubt would be a future disappointment should I have chosen to meet them.

After some of my recent posts I had people email me or comment on the blog about me being too picky and like most women in Sydney, that I am looking for something that simply does not exist.

Someone wrote to me from a dating consultancy that claims highly eligible Sydney bachelors are struggling to find a lady here but when they open up their search overseas (and not to like Russia or something…), they are inundated with dates.

So obviously there is something wrong with Sydney women. It couldn’t possibly be that Sydney men are below par. Clearly all my sexy single women friends that are highly motivated, have a wicked sense of humour and great lives should think themselves lucky to go on a date with the bloke that looks like he hasn’t brushed his teeth since 1999, hates his job, whinges about it but does nothing to improve the situation and despite being pretty much middle aged, is still desperate for pay day to roll around each month.

Sure, I know you’re going to say that there are loads of decent guys out there that are not like that at all. But let me tell you, there are a shit ton of those losers and they are very active on dating sites!

And yes I do admit that there are some good on paper guys that I’ve met and they seem to tick the boxes, but when it comes down to it, I just don’t want them to tick my box so to speak. As shallow as it sounds, there has to be physical attraction and chemistry for a romantic relationship otherwise he is just like a girlfriend but with the opposite parts. Well that’s how it goes in my rule book anyway…

Recently I talking to a guy on tinder who looked like my type in his pics, sounded like my style in messages and seemed like he was ticking some boxes. When he asked for my number, I decided to ask him the usual deal breaker questions before moving offline.

This started with height. Absolute deal breaker for me. Yes, I remember that the Englishman was a little shorter than me and yes I remember I was really into him, BUT it was a brief dalliance so it remains untested if height would have become an issue down the track.

So I tell him that there are things I like to know before moving to chatting on the phone.  He seems keen to play and says shoot.

I ask him his height.

He responds 5’11”. Ok, not ideal. I do not consider 5’11” tall….

I respond saying cool I’m 5’10”.

And then it all turns to shit. His next message is:

“That’s great. But I’m looking for someone who likes me for who I am, not because I’m a certain height. You may call it practical but it comes across as superficial. Anyway, it’s a real turn off so I’ll respectfully pass on taking things to the next level”.

Hmmm sure as shit that man was actually about 5’7″.

Just imagine how he would have reacted on the 27th question when I asked for a pic of his teeth…..

Tinder – a Slideshow of my Past

I haven’t been doing much dating lately. I felt over online dating so I deleted all the apps and thought I’d prefer to meet someone out and about. But then I got the plague for two months and didn’t go out much at all.

A few weeks back I decided to try an online dating site I hadn’t used before called Elite Singles. It seemed good in theory and I remember discussing it with Ms A who thought that there should be a better calibre of man on there based purely on the branding. Surely all the riff raff would self select themselves out of something called ‘Elite Singles’ as they knew they were not elite.

No. Turns out most men have alarmingly high self esteem. There were many, many men on there that were not elite at all. The worst of which had the style of the guys in Warrant and I was stuck with Sweet Cherry Pie stuck in my head for days.

But after speaking with some of my single girlfriends last week, I was encouraged to give Tinder another look. I loaded the app up again, adjusted my search settings to a nice broad 30-45 age range with 20 kms distance (see I’m being more relaxed on my criteria these days…) and started flicking through.

Within minutes of swiping I was reminded as to why I gave up on Tinder. It is seriously like a fast moving slideshow of my dating past in recent years. It’s always the same people!

Guy I dated once but was dull – swipe left

Guy I spoke with once but was a bad speller – swipe left

Guy who was my very first Tinder date – swipe left

Guy I worked with (and I’m pretty sure he’s married) – swipe left

Guy I dated a few times and he went AWOL (dang it, I assumed he died….) – swipe left

Mike (still 42 surprisingly) – swipe left

Guy who is my friend’s ex – swipe left

6’6″ ‘my share house smells like dog‘ dad- swipe left

Guy I spoke with and he irritated the crap out of me – swipe left

Guy who is definitely my type, if he had 3 more inches – swipe left

Asshole frenchie – swipe left

Guy who is physically my type, but when we chatted was dumb as shit – swipe left

Guy who I spoke with and was a weirdo stalker – swipe left.

Sigh. Happy Groundhog Day!

Dating Disasters – Share Your Story

Recently I was sent a link to the BuzzFeed article 12 First-Date Disasters You’ll Be Glad You Weren’t Part Of by another seriously single in Sydney lady. I eagerly clicked the link thinking, ‘oh yeh, these will make me think I’ve gotten off lightly’, but no, no such luck.

There is a story about a money hungry date – never happened to me, just tight ass dates.

Another about a guy being late – wow, drama. Happens. All. The. Fucking. Time.

One about a guy who doesn’t like reading so he automatically doesn’t make the cut  – so harsh and judgemental to be dismissed for a simple difference in recreational activities. Like, who does that chick think she is……oh yeh, just referring to my list….I’ll be quiet now.

Then one about a whale shark style kisser who obviously had NFI what to do – again, wow, drama. Happens. To. All. Of. Us. Remember the 37 year old virgin?

But then there is a story that is a little unique I think…..but it has happened to me. The wallpaper story is about a girl who goes home to a muso guys place and when he shows her some music on his computer, she notices that her photo is his desktop wallpaper. How very, very awkward.

Weeeeeeeeeelllllllllll, that kinda happened to me in reverse. Unfortunately. On that date with the Englishman where we watched a movie, I suggested we watch something that I had already downloaded. I open my laptop with him sitting next to me and it opens to the last thing I was doing when I shut it earlier that morning, which was syncing my phone. I had downloaded hundreds of pics from my phone and the most recent were showing…….which were some pics he had sent me that day…..and no, they weren’t dick pics but he was in his undies for some reason…..¯\_(ツ)_/¯….. He noticed immediately,  looked at me like I was a total psycho and asked if me I was a bunny boiler.

Ummmm #totesawkward.

Anyhoo, I think the bad dates mentioned in that article are nowhere near what a bad date really is. I want to hear your stories and I’ll even make it worth your while. As a reward for the story that I like the most and for your dating pleasure, the good folk at Durex have kindly offered up a goodie pack of gels and condoms etc. Which could be very useful if you should ever get a date again….depending on how bad your story is!

Email me your bad date story at seriouslysingleinsyd@gmail.com by Sept 15 to be considered. The story will be posted to the blog with your anonymity protected. Australian residents only sorry.

I look forward to reading your tales of woe….and hopefully feeling better about myself in the process ;p

Trying Something New

I have rubbished speed dating in the past because of the 5 or 6 times that I’ve done it, all but one session has been really terrible. On one occasion I was stuck on a wine tour bus in the Hunter Valley on a 45 degree day with a psycho that decided we were destined to get married within 5 minutes of meeting. On another I had to endure a 15 minute date with a man who was a courier and thought that I wouldn’t understand what that involved from the title, so told me about the type and size of all the parcels he delivers in great (excruciating) detail.

I said after those two last disasters that I would never try it again….but I think we all know by now that I never stand by my word on these things….

SSIS: “I’m never using Tinder again….”

SSIS: “I’m never buying RSVP stamps again….”

Anyhoo, I had been keeping my eye on a new company called CitySwoon who was doing speed dating events, but they were a little different to the norm.  They had held a games night at the Arthouse recently which sounded like fun, but had sold out of female tickets by the time I went to book.

When I saw that the next event was for speed dating combined with the movie Trainwreck which I definitely wanted to see, I thought what’s the worst that can happen? Even if all the guys are duds, at least I’ll enjoy the movie….

So when the night rolled around last Friday, I arrive at the cinemas on time at 6:30pm and I’m greeted by someone from CitySwoon. He gives me an allocated seating movie ticket randomly plucked from a pile and tells me to head in to the cinema by 6:45pm. I grab a drink and when I find my seat inside, I’m on the aisle and there is already a guy sitting in the seat next to mine, who I assume is my date.

He immediately confirms this by introducing himself and we get chatting. He seems nervous as he rapid fire tells me about his recent holiday for a few mins, but then eases into it and conversation flows effortlessly for the 20-25 mins of trailers whilst the cinema fills.

I’ve always found movie dates when it’s very early days with someone quite awkward, but this time I felt that it gave an interesting insight into my date’s personality. In a few places through the movie my new friend found some scenes hilariously funny with a big boisterous laugh almost leaping out of his seat, but usually at things I didn’t find that funny. The same seemed to happen in reverse when I found things really funny.

When the movie ends we are to head to the Gold Class bar for some speed dating. Although I enjoyed my conversation with my movie date, he isn’t my usual type and I couldn’t really see myself wanting to go on a real date with him. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and tell him I’ll see him at the bar.

After the usual epic female toilets queue, I get to the bar to find myself at the end of an even longer drinks queue for our group, which wouldn’t be so bad except I’m stuck in the middle of a group of girls. I make chit chat and hope that I don’t leave here having only achieved meeting some cool chicks….as so often happens to me.

After getting a drink I see that the group are pairing off whilst we wait for the arranged dates to start, so I look around, see a tall guy standing by himself and approach him. After a few mins of chatting, I’m not feeling it and he flips open his phone case to check if we’ve been sent anything by CitySwoon yet and I notice that his screen saver is a pic of a young child.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

When everyone has their drink, the dates begin. We all get a txt asking us to log in to the CitySwoon site where our first match will be revealed. We’ve apparently been matched based on the profile questions that we had to fill out on the website prior to the event. We are not really given any insight into how this matching program works, but I assume at the very least it’s looking at things like age, smoking, kids, height etc.

I eagerly look at my match. At the top of the screen I see his name and which end of the bar to meet him at and as I continue scrolling I see……a smile with a great big gap between the teeth. It’s ironic in the Alanis Morrisette kinda way.

I meet my date and yes the teeth thing is one of my weird quirks I know, but he is also shorter than me so I think we are equally as uninterested in each other. We have somewhat awkward chit chat, which is mostly me talking to fill the gap.

After what seems like a very short period of time (yay), we get another txt and a new match delivered on the website. My next match is the first guy’s friend. Also not my type, also slightly awkward chit chat.

The rest of the dates continue a little like that, but I must say everyone is in a good mood and they are mostly a fun group. There were two good looking tall guys out of my 7 matches, both I had great chats with, but both were late 20’s I think (indeed one definitely said he was 28). The age range for the event was meant to be 30-50, so maybe they fibbed on their profile?!

The night ends, I haven’t met anyone I’d be inclined to actively pursue, but maybe I’d want to catch up with the young tall guys if they contacted me. Maybe…

But I had a fun night and there were no psychos, so it exceeded my expectations. I provided feedback at the end that I like the concept of ‘matched’ speed dating where your dates are based on some kind of logic rather than just getting 12 guys and 12 girls in a room and seeing if magic happens, but I feel that most people have those fundamental deal breakers that must be met for the concept to work. Like smoking, kids and especially height for me and many women I know.

One of the guys even said to me ‘wow you make me feel short’. Geeze, thanks buddy, I now feel like a giraffe…

My Arranged Online Marri…Matches

A few weeks ago I received an email from RSVP reminding me that the stamps I had purchased recently were about to expire. RSVP is free to exchange ‘kiss’ messages to gauge interest, but you need to pay for stamps to be able to email people. I had just two days to use them, or lose them.

Before these stamps, I had once purchased a pack of 24 stamps as those sneaky fuckers make bulk buying so damn economical that you can’t say no! If I bought 24, it was only $5 a stamp and I had a year to use them. I thought at the time, well that’s just like buying someone a coffee and I’d always be happy to do that, so I’ll go the bulk pack. That was a mistake as I really struggled to shift those 24 stamps.

History repeated itself with these new stamps. I had been browsing RSVP and saw a guy that I had dismissed on Tinder because he had just one pic and in that pic he looked like he had a giant forehead. Yes, I know what you’re thinking….

Anyhoo, when I saw him again on RSVP I had access to more info than what was displayed on Tinder and I thought he sounded quite interesting and well suited to me. Perhaps there is a lesson there about first impressions? Wait for it….

So I sent him a kiss to see if he was interested, he sent back a positive response, so the ball was in my court to cough up for a stamp so we could email each other.

But you can’t buy just one stamp. Grrrr those sneaky fuckers! The minimum you can buy is 3 stamps, they are $15 each and they expire within 30 days. Sometimes you start talking to someone, realise they are a bore and it fizzles out without meeting. That’s ok at $5 an attempt, $15 is a little more annoying, but if I end up only talking to that one guy in that month, that is $45 just to talk to him. I could call a phone sex line for less….I think?!

But in the spirit of YOLO, I click purchase and I’m away! We exchange those first few boring generic online dating emails and after a week it hadn’t ramped up into anything interesting so I was out. See, the big forehead was a sign….

I looked through RSVP over the next few days but nothing else caught my eye and I then forgot about it until I received the 2 day expiry warning. So I get back on RSVP and look again, but alas there is no interesting new stock on display.

I tell Mr B-Dawg (he requested a cool name?!?) about my plight. He suggests I wildcard it to use the last two stamps and just randomly select someone and see what happens. I tell him I’ve already spoken with all the good ones and there are only undesirable candidates left. He accuses me of being too picky and he does not believe that there are no eligible bachelors left on RSVP.

Well, I’m happy to get a second opinion and particularly a qualified opinion as Mr B-Dawg and I are both into guys. I give him my RSVP login and password and tell him to find me a man!!

I nervously await the result and Mr B-Dawg comments that we have the same taste in men as he can see all the men that I’ve already contacted. Ok, feeling reassured….

When I log in to see who my future husband is, I’m confused by what he thinks my taste in men is. The first guy I see is ‘ladiesgiddyup’. Usually I would dismiss this guy based purely on his douchey mcdouchey username, but he amps up the douche factor with his profile pic which shows him with his hands gesturing to his crotch area. Yeh, I get it dude….

Ok, one wrong turn is ok B-Dawg. Next up is ‘UKclosedmouth’ (obviously not his real name). He looks ok, but I avoid guys from the UK if I can’t see his teeth in his pics as I have experienced too many English folks with feral teeth to risk it again. I know, so judgemental….don’t hate me UK readers!

Next is outdoorsy guy. He is good looking, ruggedly handsome BUT in his main profile picture he is wearing a khaki shirt and the rest of his pics feature him fishing. His profile speaks of loving the outdoors and nature and……camping. Look I love nature too, but from a boat or seaside balcony with a glass of wine. Highly incompatible.

Maybe fourth time lucky? The next guy I’ll admit I’ve looked at a few times before and found his profile pics attractive, BUT both of the pics show him with his mouth shut, no sign of teeth. Other than that he seems to tick my boxes based on his profile. Tall, 35, non-smoker, no kids, not a vegetarian, occasional drinker, possibly smart as he has a post grad education. Ok, we have a winner!

I use stamp number 2 on him and we start emailing. Success!

No. That was short lived. On his second email he told me he worked ‘mixing drugs in a lab and it’s just like cooking, but instead of food I’m using drugs’.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

Maybe it was a legitimate pharmacist job. Maybe he was saving lives. Maybe he was about to cure cancer. Maybe he would have been my unicorn.

BUT he also lived in the Shire (which no one but Shire people like) and that combined with the dodgy job AND the potential lack of teeth was just too big a risk to take ;p

Things That Make You Go… No.

I was perusing Plenty of Fish (POF) again the other night. I know I’ve said it before, but it is hands down the worst online dating site. Why do I continue to look there? It is also often the most amusing.

I receive a message from a new guy so I check out his profile and notice that he only has one pic up. I’m usually immediately deterred by that, but I was intrigued by his beard and hairy chest as I have a weakness for the manly man. In hindsight his moustache is a little creepy though….

We get chatting and it’s mostly about food, particularly a shared passion for burgers. Well, well, well, I think we are going to get along just fine…

It’s getting late but he asks if he can call me as he is feeling ‘too lazy to type’. Uh huh. I don’t really want to give him my number just yet, so I say goodnight and leave it at that.

He messages first thing in the morning and is keen to chat again, but I’m keen to actually see a pic of him before going any further. I ask him to upload another pic to his profile. It’s amazing how a sexy shirtless, bearded, hairy chest man can suddenly turn into this…

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out. Stupid hat.

I sent the first pic to my friend Mr B and he replies “No face? No Nipple?” I then send the second pic and his response is “Oh that’s so depressing”.

YES!!! He knew he was leading me on with Mr Sexy before revealing Mr Goofy.

New dating rule. Always ask to see face AND to see nipple within 10 messages or less!

Ok, maybe not. But it would feel right at home amongst my list of other random criteria that leads to a yes or no decision when I’m online dating. Other highlights include:

Dumb Face – Just like some women suffer from ‘bitchy resting face’, many men seem to possess ‘duh yep’ face.

Creepy Face – I once worked with someone that was a bit of a weird character and when I told another colleague that they had left, that person said “fuck I’m glad he is gone. He looked like the type that you would go around to his house and there would be ears in his freezer”. Many, many men on Tinder look like ear collectors….

Bad Teeth – I know many a supermodel has made a career with gappy teeth, but I just can’t do it. Nor missing teeth, rabbit teeth, tiny teeth, no teeth…

Short Head – I think I have perfected predicting a man’s height by the size of his head to about a 96.48% accuracy rate. Yes, most probably think head size is not proportional to height. I disagree.

Reflective Clothing – Yes I know, I know….so judgey.

Smokers – I love when smokers include a pic of them flamboyantly sucking on a ciggie or blowing smoke which they obviously think makes them look très cool. No, it doesn’t. Glad we sorted that out early. Swipe left. This also includes the occasional/social, trying to quit smokers. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Lazy Typers – There is absolutely no excuse for typing ‘u’ for ‘you’ anymore. None. Nada. Ok, maybe if you are still using a Nokia 5110 and have to press the 7 key 18 times to get the u. Actually then I wouldn’t date him either as he clearly is a tight ass with tech…

Kids – Firstly I don’t want to date someone with kids, but even so I find it a bit wrong to be including pics of kids in dating profiles for the world to see. Good parenting there…

Outside 15km – As if my soulmate would live that far away. Seriously. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Ok I lie, I usually only search 10km….

Gamers – No. You’re an adult. Stop it. Now.

Motorbikes – Hate them. I once had a very, very embarrassing experience with one whilst on holiday. Never doubling on one again. Plus guys that ride bikes are a different breed I find.

Car Unenthusiasts – Yep, I’m making that a word. If a guy refers to cars as ‘just something to get from A to B’, I’m out. Irreconcilable differences.

Unusual Spelling of a Traditional Name – Ok it’s not their fault i know, but I can’t marry a redneck…

Vegetarians – One word. Bacon.

Non Drinkers – I fear they would be appalled by how much time I spend in the bath drinking wine. And how much wine…

Camping – It’s just dumb.

My Game of 1-100

I have a theory that the men that display bad dating behaviour, you know, things like planning a second or third date with you but ghosting before it happens, do so because they have so much choice. They can easily and quickly meet women near them via Tinder and you can be supposedly ‘upgraded’ and cast aside before you know it.

It’s definitely due to the man drought. Yes, there is a statistically proven man drought in Sydney where women in their 30’s outnumber men, but that’s just accounting for quantity. Compounding the drought impact is that the men that we do have access to are largely of the quality that you wouldn’t even take an Uber ride with, let alone go on a date with.

I never hear anyone say “oh I have this single guy friend who is so smart and nice looking, so funny, has his shit together, wants to meet a nice girl, but just can’t find one”. NEVER. But you hear it all the time about great women looking for a nice guy and I know a number of them!

I’ve met a lot them whilst doing things like speed dating, via this blog and even through Tinder. Yes, the strategist in me decided one day to check out the women on Tinder to see what my competition was like and I ended up befriending a girl. Sure there are a lot of train wreck duds on there, but there seems to be A LOT of quality women too. Dang it…

It appeared that men have an abundance of good options at their disposal if they just take a little time swiping through the occasional lady dud. I assume guys would have a high swipe right strike rate, perhaps they are even at risk of RSI, but I estimated that I swipe right less than 2% of the time.

So when I restarted my Tinder account to find Mike, I decided to put it to the test and play the 1-100 game from Sex and City. In the ep Carrie and Charlotte are sitting at a table outside a cafe and for every man they see walk past, they note down whether they would want to sleep with him based on first impressions.

As I swiped though the Tinder profiles, I screen shotted each of the men and decided based on their first pic only if I would swipe right or not to them. It took less than 15 minutes to get through 100 profiles (those in the pic, blurred for some privacy…) and I was quite surprised by the result.

Out of those 100 men, if I only got to see that one pic I would have swiped right to 14. Maybe Tinder was serving up the most popular profiles because it thought I was a newbie and needed to be wowed, but I was really surprised by liking 14% of the guys.

Of course, although first impressions are a strong factor in dating, it is not everything. I’m not shallow enough / I’m far too picky to make life decisions on just one pic. In fact, if a guy only has one pic I swipe left as I assume that they randomly nailed that one hot pic and they look nothing like that photo. Maybe I have trust issues….

Of those 14 guys, after further investigation into the rest of their profile only 6 continued to hold my interest. I matched with 5 of those 6, but 2 never bothered chatting, 1 was too short, 1 had kids, the last was boring as shit.

From 14 to 0 in record time. The drought continues….