Guess who’s back?

Guess who's back

My Arranged Online Marri…Matches

A few weeks ago I received an email from RSVP reminding me that the stamps I had purchased recently were about to expire. RSVP is free to exchange ‘kiss’ messages to gauge interest, but you need to pay for stamps to be able to email people. I had just two days to use them, or lose them.

Before these stamps, I had once purchased a pack of 24 stamps as those sneaky fuckers make bulk buying so damn economical that you can’t say no! If I bought 24, it was only $5 a stamp and I had a year to use them. I thought at the time, well that’s just like buying someone a coffee and I’d always be happy to do that, so I’ll go the bulk pack. That was a mistake as I really struggled to shift those 24 stamps.

History repeated itself with these new stamps. I had been browsing RSVP and saw a guy that I had dismissed on Tinder because he had just one pic and in that pic he looked like he had a giant forehead. Yes, I know what you’re thinking….

Anyhoo, when I saw him again on RSVP I had access to more info than what was displayed on Tinder and I thought he sounded quite interesting and well suited to me. Perhaps there is a lesson there about first impressions? Wait for it….

So I sent him a kiss to see if he was interested, he sent back a positive response, so the ball was in my court to cough up for a stamp so we could email each other.

But you can’t buy just one stamp. Grrrr those sneaky fuckers! The minimum you can buy is 3 stamps, they are $15 each and they expire within 30 days. Sometimes you start talking to someone, realise they are a bore and it fizzles out without meeting. That’s ok at $5 an attempt, $15 is a little more annoying, but if I end up only talking to that one guy in that month, that is $45 just to talk to him. I could call a phone sex line for less….I think?!

But in the spirit of YOLO, I click purchase and I’m away! We exchange those first few boring generic online dating emails and after a week it hadn’t ramped up into anything interesting so I was out. See, the big forehead was a sign….

I looked through RSVP over the next few days but nothing else caught my eye and I then forgot about it until I received the 2 day expiry warning. So I get back on RSVP and look again, but alas there is no interesting new stock on display.

I tell Mr B-Dawg (he requested a cool name?!?) about my plight. He suggests I wildcard it to use the last two stamps and just randomly select someone and see what happens. I tell him I’ve already spoken with all the good ones and there are only undesirable candidates left. He accuses me of being too picky and he does not believe that there are no eligible bachelors left on RSVP.

Well, I’m happy to get a second opinion and particularly a qualified opinion as Mr B-Dawg and I are both into guys. I give him my RSVP login and password and tell him to find me a man!!

I nervously await the result and Mr B-Dawg comments that we have the same taste in men as he can see all the men that I’ve already contacted. Ok, feeling reassured….

When I log in to see who my future husband is, I’m confused by what he thinks my taste in men is. The first guy I see is ‘ladiesgiddyup’. Usually I would dismiss this guy based purely on his douchey mcdouchey username, but he amps up the douche factor with his profile pic which shows him with his hands gesturing to his crotch area. Yeh, I get it dude….

Ok, one wrong turn is ok B-Dawg. Next up is ‘UKclosedmouth’ (obviously not his real name). He looks ok, but I avoid guys from the UK if I can’t see his teeth in his pics as I have experienced too many English folks with feral teeth to risk it again. I know, so judgemental….don’t hate me UK readers!

Next is outdoorsy guy. He is good looking, ruggedly handsome BUT in his main profile picture he is wearing a khaki shirt and the rest of his pics feature him fishing. His profile speaks of loving the outdoors and nature and……camping. Look I love nature too, but from a boat or seaside balcony with a glass of wine. Highly incompatible.

Maybe fourth time lucky? The next guy I’ll admit I’ve looked at a few times before and found his profile pics attractive, BUT both of the pics show him with his mouth shut, no sign of teeth. Other than that he seems to tick my boxes based on his profile. Tall, 35, non-smoker, no kids, not a vegetarian, occasional drinker, possibly smart as he has a post grad education. Ok, we have a winner!

I use stamp number 2 on him and we start emailing. Success!

No. That was short lived. On his second email he told me he worked ‘mixing drugs in a lab and it’s just like cooking, but instead of food I’m using drugs’.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

Maybe it was a legitimate pharmacist job. Maybe he was saving lives. Maybe he was about to cure cancer. Maybe he would have been my unicorn.

BUT he also lived in the Shire (which no one but Shire people like) and that combined with the dodgy job AND the potential lack of teeth was just too big a risk to take ;p

Date #2 – Not Funny

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Firstly, Happy Australia Day everyone! It was a shitty day weather wise, but you can’t complain when you get a day off work can you – to would be un-Australian to do so in my opinion!

Anyhoo, last night was Date #2 with the one that I was glad didn’t get eaten by a shark. When we first started talking on Tinder we had discussed seeing live comedy as it was something both of us enjoy, then we discussed various comedians on our first date too. So for Date #2 I decided to take a look for any comedy gigs playing somewhere in Sydney that night. It was slim pickings being a Sunday night before a public holiday, but I found a session on at the World Bar in Kings Cross.

The night was free which did ring alarm bells, but I thought WTF, if it’s bad we’ll just leave and there are a thousand good places to eat and drink near there anyway. When we met at the bar at 6:30pm when the gig was supposed to start, there were very few people at the bar. The stage was set up for comedy, but the mic and stool are standing lonely on the stage.

We get some drinks and head outside to wait for the show to kick off. This place serves cocktails in teapots and we ordered two flavours to try first up. Whilst outside drinking those teapots the gig starts inside. We can hear the comedian from where we are outside, but we can’t hear any laughter. Not a good sign….

When the teapots are gone we head inside and try to find an inconspicuous place to sit. Unfortunately everyone else had the same idea as the only seats that are free are immediately in front of the stage, or some slightly to the left which is away from most of the crowd. We pick those thinking that they will be the safest. We’d already had the discussion that if a comedian said anything to us, under no circumstances should either of us admit that we were on a second date. We can only imagine the field day a comedian could have with that, especially a Tinder date!

Each comedian was doing about a 7 min set, but it often felt like much, much longer. A lot like speed dating really. The 4th comedian was dying a slow death about 5 mins into his set and decided to take the easy option and pick on the crowd. He asked two women sitting on the lounge in front of him if they were lesbians as one had a short haircut and was wearing trainers in a bar (of course). He also asked two guys if they were high, then he moved to me and Mr M and asked if we were on a date. We both looked at each other a bit ‘deer in the headlights’ like and it seemed like it was only a second or two before the comedian jumped in saying ‘oh don’t want to say?’ and moved along. He couldn’t even seal the deal with an easy gag on that!

After about 6 comedians had died on stage, half time is called and they promise that their second half is ‘even better’ than the first half. Hmmm…..

We decide to stay though as we are liking the teapots and have tried 6 flavours already, yet the comedy was still not funny!

After the break, it actually seemed to get worse. The headline act was a female comedian from Melbourne who moved to jokes about periods and making her boyfriend buy tampons very quickly when it was obvious she was tanking. At that point I tell Mr M that I’m going to the bathroom and when I get back we should leave. He jokingly says to me ‘you better not leave me here alone with these unfunny people’ and it’s unfortunately one of the funniest things of the night to date.

We leave and he wants to go to this place called Mr Crackles for dinner. I’m a little bit hesitant as it doesn’t sound particularly dateworthy and it’s 15 mins walk away and I’m wearing heels, but he says that the rolls are the most amazing pork rolls he has ever tasted so I agree to go. We get there and it’s really just a takeaway joint, but he is right. The sweet pork rolls he ordered us were amazing and so were the onion rings. I have a thing with onion rings that if I see them on the menu, I just have to have them. I have to!

We leave Mr Crackles and because we are now in pork comas, we look for a quiet bar with some comfy couches that we can sit and chat and we find a perfect candidate just down the road. We look at the cocktail menu at this place and at the bottom of the first page there is a lychee cocktail which he immediately picks. Lychee is another one of my ‘if it’s on the menu, I must have it, I must’ foods. I’ve picked restaurants to dine at before based solely on their menu having a lychee cocktail. So I order two and we find that nice lounge to relax on.

We stay there for a while chilling, chatting, flirting and there is a bit of pashing. Eventually it’s getting late and we are both tired so we call it a night.

It was a great date despite the comedy being really terrible and it seems we’ve both enjoyed it and are keen to catch up again. Tonight we spoke and lined up date #3 for next weekend as I have no free time during the week these days with uni.

So far, so good 😉