Things That Make You Go… No.

I was perusing Plenty of Fish (POF) again the other night. I know I’ve said it before, but it is hands down the worst online dating site. Why do I continue to look there? It is also often the most amusing.

I receive a message from a new guy so I check out his profile and notice that he only has one pic up. I’m usually immediately deterred by that, but I was intrigued by his beard and hairy chest as I have a weakness for the manly man. In hindsight his moustache is a little creepy though….

We get chatting and it’s mostly about food, particularly a shared passion for burgers. Well, well, well, I think we are going to get along just fine…

It’s getting late but he asks if he can call me as he is feeling ‘too lazy to type’. Uh huh. I don’t really want to give him my number just yet, so I say goodnight and leave it at that.

He messages first thing in the morning and is keen to chat again, but I’m keen to actually see a pic of him before going any further. I ask him to upload another pic to his profile. It’s amazing how a sexy shirtless, bearded, hairy chest man can suddenly turn into this…

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out. Stupid hat.

I sent the first pic to my friend Mr B and he replies “No face? No Nipple?” I then send the second pic and his response is “Oh that’s so depressing”.

YES!!! He knew he was leading me on with Mr Sexy before revealing Mr Goofy.

New dating rule. Always ask to see face AND to see nipple within 10 messages or less!

Ok, maybe not. But it would feel right at home amongst my list of other random criteria that leads to a yes or no decision when I’m online dating. Other highlights include:

Dumb Face – Just like some women suffer from ‘bitchy resting face’, many men seem to possess ‘duh yep’ face.

Creepy Face – I once worked with someone that was a bit of a weird character and when I told another colleague that they had left, that person said “fuck I’m glad he is gone. He looked like the type that you would go around to his house and there would be ears in his freezer”. Many, many men on Tinder look like ear collectors….

Bad Teeth – I know many a supermodel has made a career with gappy teeth, but I just can’t do it. Nor missing teeth, rabbit teeth, tiny teeth, no teeth…

Short Head – I think I have perfected predicting a man’s height by the size of his head to about a 96.48% accuracy rate. Yes, most probably think head size is not proportional to height. I disagree.

Reflective Clothing – Yes I know, I know….so judgey.

Smokers – I love when smokers include a pic of them flamboyantly sucking on a ciggie or blowing smoke which they obviously think makes them look très cool. No, it doesn’t. Glad we sorted that out early. Swipe left. This also includes the occasional/social, trying to quit smokers. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Lazy Typers – There is absolutely no excuse for typing ‘u’ for ‘you’ anymore. None. Nada. Ok, maybe if you are still using a Nokia 5110 and have to press the 7 key 18 times to get the u. Actually then I wouldn’t date him either as he clearly is a tight ass with tech…

Kids – Firstly I don’t want to date someone with kids, but even so I find it a bit wrong to be including pics of kids in dating profiles for the world to see. Good parenting there…

Outside 15km – As if my soulmate would live that far away. Seriously. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Ok I lie, I usually only search 10km….

Gamers – No. You’re an adult. Stop it. Now.

Motorbikes – Hate them. I once had a very, very embarrassing experience with one whilst on holiday. Never doubling on one again. Plus guys that ride bikes are a different breed I find.

Car Unenthusiasts – Yep, I’m making that a word. If a guy refers to cars as ‘just something to get from A to B’, I’m out. Irreconcilable differences.

Unusual Spelling of a Traditional Name – Ok it’s not their fault i know, but I can’t marry a redneck…

Vegetarians – One word. Bacon.

Non Drinkers – I fear they would be appalled by how much time I spend in the bath drinking wine. And how much wine…

Camping – It’s just dumb.

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Bon Voyage

I was left feeling quite disappointed after date 2 with the Very Cheeky Englishman. Finally a man that I liked (so far, it was very early days…) and who seemed really into me, but he was soon to disappear. What kind of luck is that?! Yet another case of my bad timing with men.

It did raise a lot of questions for me though. Why did his online profile seem to indicate that he was looking for a relationship, but he is about to head overseas for a while? Why did he not tell me that his departure was imminent before we met in person? Or even on our first date? Or to my face on our second date rather than txt bombing me?

Was this why he was so rushed to see me again? Was he really looking to date, or just to seal the deal before he went away? If so, why did he agree to a very non-sex type of date being a weekday lunch? Is his gentleman-like charm genuine, or just an act for a short lived romance before he leaves? Is he leaving at all, or is it just a ruse to expedite some action?

Oh, I don’t know. If I have learned anything from dating it is that men are generally skittish like birds. They are so unpredictable that there is no point agonising over things they do and say until you really know them and you can establish some consistency to their behaviour.

I considered not seeing him again before he left and waiting until he returned (if he did). I actually told him I felt unsure of how genuine he was seeing he didn’t tell me he was leaving until now. His response was that he told me because he liked and respected me and wanted to tell me before things became more involved, but he is definitely coming back so still thought it was worthwhile us starting to date. He also said that if he didn’t care about me at all, he could have omitted the fact he was leaving from our next date and just disappear. Fair point I guess…

But in the end, I knew that I enjoyed his company, that I was crazy attracted to him and that we definitely had chemistry together which so rarely happens, so I decided to just go with it.

The only time our schedules lined up for the weekend was Sunday lunch. He came to pick me up and we went to the nearby rowers club for lunch by the water. He was dressed casually (unfortunately no suit…) but he still looked great.

We eat and have a lovely time, but I certainly feel like I’m acting with some restraint knowing that whatever happens between us is about to be put on pause for a few months. But having said that, under normal circumstances I would have the same restraint anyway. By date 3 I’m not welcoming deep and meaningful conversations about our future together. I’m not thinking about our labrador’s name and side-by-side burial plots. I’m more focused on deciding if I’m having a good time with him, then eventually (approximately date 27….) it will become clear if there is enough between us to really be with him.

Unless I happen to be dating the Bondi Vet. In that instance I’d be snaffling him up off the market toots sweet…

Anyhoo, it’s not a great day weather wise and its getting cold at the club, so we head back to my place for some more wine and to watch a movie. When we get home, he takes his shoes off and I can’t help but notice that they seem like small shoes. Yep, he is definitely only 5’9″ I think at the time, but I refrain from measuring him…

Eventually it is time for him to leave and we don’t really talk about the fact we won’t see each other for a while. Best to leave it on a high note.

We exchange some txts before he leaves and since he has been gone (a bit over a month now) we have been emailing each other every few days. The emails are mostly light and flirty, but he doesn’t have a definite return date as yet. I’m of course not waiting around for him and am continuing to date whilst he is gone, but I would be keen to see him again when (if) he returns – if he is actually even away!

Damn He Looks Good in a Suit…

The morning after my first date with the Very Cheeky Englishman he is keen to line up date #2. It’s Wednesday and I have a few things on the following nights, so I suggest a date on the weekend.

He says he’ll take it, but it’s too far away and he’d like to see me before then. He asks if I’m free for lunch on the Thursday. I’m not working at the moment, so a weekday lunch date sounded good.

He asks me to meet him in his suburb outside of a hotel, for ease of meeting only but he of course makes the obligatory joke about having booked us a room.

I arrive before him and have the usual ‘will I actually remember what he looks like’ paranoia. But then he appears wearing a blue suit and aviators and he was rocking them both.

Rocking them hard. It was kind of a ‘take my breath away’ moment when I saw him. WTF. How drunk was I on our first date for me to have not noticed how hot he is?!?

He wasn’t in a suit on date 1 though. Mental note, I must think of ways to always get him to wear a suit when I see him. Always. 

He kisses me hello and suggests that we find somewhere to eat on the strip overlooking the beach and takes my hand as we walk off.

As we are walking I again notice the height difference, but I had intentionally worn flats today to suss the situation out. I think he may be 5’9″, but I’m too distracted by the suit hotness to worry about it right now…

We find a restaurant that looks nice and take a seat outside. He is being all sweet and lovely and telling me he loves my eyes and trying to hold my hand across the table. I am feeling strangely awkward for a second date, maybe because he seems so much hotter today and I find myself sitting uncomfortably, often with my arms crossed. He playfully accuses me of throwing bad body language at him, thus being ‘unromantic’ and that I date ‘like a man’, but assures me that he has enough of a romantic side to play the part for both of us.

Which sounds really naff doesn’t it?!? But he is quite a masculine man so I’m actually not put off by it.

At the end of the meal he again refuses to let me pay and we have about 30 mins before he has to head off to a meeting, so we take a walk along the path alongside the beach.

As we walk I find myself slouching a little so I don’t feel so much like a giraffe next to him. The height thing will likely become a problem soon, but for now I’m feeling quite attracted to him, so I’ll let it slide…

We eventually end up where I’ve parked my car. We have discussed the car at length (because it’s the love of my life and his current competition) and he asks to take a look at it. I know he isn’t terribly into cars and he has also told me that he thinks only drug dealers drive white sports cars, so this was obviously was just a ploy to get in the car and pash like teenagers.

But I wasn’t complaining. Once inside he takes off the aviators and I notice that his eyes are a gorgeous colour. Green outside the iris, but they seem to blend into blue on the outer rim.

When time is up and he must head off to his meeting, he tells me that he can’t wait to see me on the weekend and jumps out of the car. I watch him walk away in the rear view mirror, damn I like him in a suit…

Before I drive off he has already sent me a txt. It starts off telling me how much he likes me, but then follows on that we’ve met at the worst time as he has to go home to the UK in a few days to attend to his business there for a couple of months.

Fuck.

The Very Cheeky Englishman

Of all the dating sites that I have tried, POF is certainly the worst. I’ve looked at it a few times and have always found that most of the guys can barely string a sentence together. But my friend Ms A was using it and convinced me to give it another look in.

Scrolling through the masses of degenerates someone catches my eye and we get chatting. Mr T has nice pics, he is tall (well 6 foot), has his own business, lives in a nice area, is 40, no kids, a non-smoker, has a coherent profile. Tick, tick, tick.

We chat a little online and exchange numbers. When I call the next day, I get his voicemail and I am surprised to hear an English accent. Oh no, I wasn’t aware of this fact. I didn’t leave a message, rather I jumped straight online to check his profile again. His teeth, I need to see the teeth!! In my experience I’ve met a lot of people from the UK with bad teeth, so I usually avoid them online unless I can clearly see the teeth situation from the pics. Don’t hate me UK readers…

Fortunately he is smiling in his pics, his teeth on full display, they are all there and they are perfect. Phew….

When Mr T calls back we chat for about half an hour and it’s non-stop laughter. He is hilarious. My cheeks actually hurt from laughing when we hang up.

We arrange a date for the following night. He arrives early and txts me whilst I’m still on my way into the city asking what I want to drink so he can have it waiting for me. I tell him that I’ll get something when I get there. First rule of online dating, don’t let them roofie you too easily…

When I arrive I call him to find him as the bar is really busy and I like what I see when I get there. He is very pleasant looking and he seems to quite like me…as he tells me. A number of times. Oh stop it Mr T, no go on, no stop, no go on…

We get a bottle of wine and it disappears fast. I try to buy the second bottle, but he won’t let me claiming that he is a gentleman and that just won’t do. When he returns from the bar which I am sitting with my back to, he swiftly leans down from behind my shoulder and kisses me saying that “he just had to do that”. Ok the cynical ‘I’ve dated a lot of douchey men’ side of me thinks oh what a tosser, but the quite tiddly side of me thinks he is quite lovely…and a good kisser. #winning

The second bottle somehow disappears too and we both need to head to the bathroom (separately of course…) and as we are walking along I notice that I seem a bit taller than him. He was meant to be 6 foot, I’m 5’10”, but I was likely wearing 3 inch heels so I expected a little difference, but this is more than an inch. Whilst wondering that thought he stops me and pulls me in for another kiss. Oh he finds me irresistible. Stop it Mr T, no go on, oh whatevs…..#YOLO.

We get a third bottle of wine and my previous fuzzy thoughts about it probably being a wise idea to get some food have dissipated. Who knows where that bottle goes, but all of a sudden I’m drunk. Drunk, drunkity, drunk, drunk!

Remember how cautious I was about not getting drugged and being incapable of fending off a dodgy internet guy earlier in the night? No? Me either…

After plenty of shameless public pashing it is time to call it a night. He walks me to the cab rank, kisses me and tells me that he really doesn’t want to send me home, but he knows it’s the right thing to do being a gentleman and all. See, he does have morals! He puts me in the back of the cab and then leans into the front window and hands the cab driver cash to take me home. What the hell? How old school. Indeed a gentleman. I’m kinda digging it…

He then proceeds to send me quite dirty txt messages all the way home…..well actions speak louder than words right? ;p

The search is over!!!

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Yes the search has ended – but it is incomplete.

I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks again as I have had no luck finding anyone interesting enough to go on a date with. Over lunch early last week I was complaining about this to Ms A, but by the end of the week I was actually feeling more positive.

All of a sudden it was like there was a flood of new talent on Tinder! I was swiping right and getting matches left, right and centre. I had started talking to a guy who was rocking a pretty sexy beard. Now, I’ve always been attracted to the real ‘manly’ type and have never had a real objection to facial hair, but lately it’s been a strong attraction towards it. As long as it’s not the hipster type beard accompanied with skinny jeans…

Anyway, I had met a sexy bearded and slightly younger man, but alas he was also slightly shorter. Then yesterday I started talking to another bearded man, slightly older. We launched straight into quite intellectually stimulating conversation and had a lot of back and forth of messaging over the course of the day. He seemed funny (tick), smart (tick), has his shit together (tick).

Later that evening about 10pm I was watching a movie and he sends me a message. We keep chatting for the next 2 hours and cover a lot of ground. He seems kinda awesome and it seems to be going well so far, so I start thinking I might be meeting this guy soon.

We say goodnight and exchange the standard pleasantries about it being nice talking to each other. This morning I’m awake early and what so often happens, I waste about 30 mins fluffing about looking at stuff on my phone, including checking Tinder. Nothing new really. I’m on Facebook when I see an alert come through that the bearded man has sent me a message.

I finish reading what I was looking at and pop back into Tinder. There is no message there now. He is not there anymore. He has flipping unmatched me after sending who knows what in the message because he unmatched me and that takes all the messages away.

So one can only wonder what that message said now. Was it that he had a terminal illness and that today is his last day to live and he wanted to spare me the pain and grief of his death? Was it that he had a wife and 16 children at home and he was just on Tinder testing if he was still ‘hot or not’? Was it that he had no penis, actually no human genitals at all and when he takes off his pants he is often mistaken for Barbie?

My bet is the last one. It seems the most plausible.

I was at a kids party on Saturday complaining to Ms C about the lack of talent out there and how frustrating the man hunt is. She told me what I’m so often told, that it will happen when I least expect it. I’m always told too that when I stop looking for it, it will turn up.

So I’m going to stop looking. I’m deleting Tinder, POF, RSVP and eHarmony from my phone tonight. I’m out!

Come and get me fate!!!!

Instant Dismissal

Online dating has been particularly tedious in the past week. Lots of looking, but at nothing interesting. There has just been a constant stream of undesirable profile characteristics that lead to instant dismissal. Such as:

Guys over 45

Guys under 30 (especially the 15 yr old Tinder gave me tonight – will I get arrested for that??)

Holden shirt wearers

Ford shirt wearers

Actually any motor shirts, alcohol shirts, football shirts…..

Guys that appear in all 6 pics wearing G-Star RAW shirts (are you being sponsored??)

Bathroom mirror shots (especially with the toilet lid up, yes lid, not just seat, animals!)

Pics of guys smoking and thinking that they look dead sexy doing it (thank you for revealing your filthy habit upfront)

Pics eating a mandarin (thank you for revealing your filthy hab…ok this has never happened, but I am petitioning for one’s stance on this to be part of the standard questionnaire on dating sites)

Earring wearers (hey you over there, the East 17 look-a-like, alllllright, allllright, everythinks gunna be alllright)

Double denim

Cat owners

Bird owners

Small human owners

Lazy eyes (look at moi Kimmy, look at moi….)

Missing tooth

Silver tooth

Black tooth

Only one tooth

Gold chains

Wife beater singlets

DJ pic (scratch, scratch, I’ve got an iPhone playlist and I’m rocking it in da house tonight for shiz!)

Gym mirror pic

Urinal mirror pic (especially you Todd Carney)

Lives in a dodge sounding suburb. Eg Raby, Airds, Shalvy, Mount Druitt, Rooty Hill (it’s not as fun as it may sound….)

No car

No licence

No job

No personality

No idea how to wear shorts…..what is a male camel toe called?!?!

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Sigh…..

How dumb do you think I am?

My dating life is running a little quiet at the moment. I’ve started talking to a few guys on Tinder, RSVP and POF, but all of them sound like dim wits. I got another txt from Frenchie today. He hasn’t yet given up.

Since I don’t have anything new to tell you about, I will fill you in on something that happened a few weeks ago.

Online dating is so often based on looks as you don’t really have much else compelling to go off from profiles. I was looking through profiles on POF and decided to send a bald guy a message. Now, as shallow as it is, I don’t usually go for baldys but my usual type has tended to be a disaster lately, so I thought I’d give him a shot.

Hours later I get a reply from him saying ‘<insert real name here>…Damo says hi….’.

Remember Damo? The real estate guy that I had two dates with, had planned a third and he went AWOL? Great, he is friends with baldy. Mental note, no more baldys. They make bad life choices.

I reply saying ‘Really? I don’t recall him to be the talkative type’….since he didn’t have the balls to tell me that he didn’t want to go on that third date.

Baldy then replies ‘ Haha sorry. Totally random. I looked at my phone and your profile picture came up. Some guy at the bar said he knew you. Real estate guy. Total wanker. Could have just been kidding. Unless you know a Damo?’

Oh right. So a random guy at the bar snoops at another guy’s phone and that results in a conversation, not a punch up? Yep, that sounds like something guys do. No one would have an issue with that.

AND you formed such a close bond that you discussed jobs and everything? Sounds totally feasible. I bet you had a sword fight too.

Honestly, how dumb do guys think we are?!?

Wanna sword fight? - WANNA SWORD FIGHT? Pickup Line Scientist

Source: Quick Meme

Inspirational Fitted Sheet Folding

Last night I caught up with some friends for drinks to celebrate Ms K’s birthday. As often happens, I spent a bit of time lamenting on how difficult it is proving to find myself a man.

I was telling my friends about my time on RSVP, Tinder and POF and how all the men I am currently meeting on these sites are boring. Ridiculously boring.

I also told them about a French guy I met on POF last week and because we were both pretty busy this week, we couldn’t catch up before Sunday night (tonight). Throughout the week, Frenchie has been txting me relentlessly. Now, I know that many of my recent posts have been complaining about the lack of contact from men. I guess it’s one of those situations where the grass is always greener, because this guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night. Even if I haven’t yet responded to a txt, he will sent another, then another…

So I was becoming increasingly less interested in this guy as the week progressed and then yesterday he sent me this…

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After that, I don’t think I could have mustered up any attraction to this man again. Not if he had a sexy french accent like the gorgeous chef Manu Feildel. Note even if he looked like Channing Tatum.

Yesterday afternoon I called him to suss out if he sounded like a complete weirdo or not, and if he did I would pull the pin on the date tonight. I called, got voicemail and his accent was not sexy. Not one bit sexy. I didn’t leave a message and I haven’t heard back from him, or received my inspirational quote for the day, so I guess he is another one of my dates that has died. At least I’m not too fussed this time.

Back to Ms K’s drinks, at one point we were discussing different ways to fold a fitted sheet with each of us describing how we prefer to do it. It became very clear at that point that I need to get out more…..no single, highly desirable man is hanging out discussing sheet folding!!

(Although I did have a lovely time catching up with my friends!)