Getting Some Mad Hot Skills

Seriously Single Woo Social Cock Caress Class Certificate

They say you should never stop learning right? I don’t know who ‘they’ actually are, but I think they are on to something there. I have a thirst for knowledge in most areas of my life, so when I stumbled upon a cheeky ‘C@ck Caress’ workshop on a dating site that I’d not heard of before, Woo Social Club, I thought hmmm could I pick up some new moves here?

Surely honing one’s skills in such an area could only enhance my single life? Perhaps even end it? Not my life that is, the single part….

I’ve written all about this experience for DatingScout.com.au. Read it here.

There’s even pictures ;p

I am proud to advise that I am now certified with some mad hot cock skills, specialising in the Firestarter technique. The best thing about this move is that it reminded me of how good this song is…

🎼I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter. You’re a firestarter, twisted firestarter🎼

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The Reason Why I’m Single

230px-Eleanor_Abernathy

This is a question I have pondered often. Am I too pretty? Am I too smart? Am I too ridiculously hilarious? Am I too perfect, you know in that annoying too good to be true kinda way…

Perhaps I’m too modest?

A reader suggested why recently….FullSizeRender

Well that was a strange suggestion as I don’t even like horse riding?!?

Anyhoo, my search continued and I think I have found it! It’s my neighbours. No, not that douchebag detective that still haunts my hallway. Neighbours. As in the really, really, really good TV show, Neighbours.

Stop sniggering. It IS good. Last week I had a stupidly busy week at work and didn’t leave the office until really late each night. When I finally got home on Friday night, tired, cranky and stinging for a wine, I realised that I hadn’t had time to watch Neighbours any day that week. That’s right folks, I had 2.5 hours of Neighbours delight ahead of me. What more could a single gal ask for on a Friday night? If only I had 18 cats to share such a magical night with…

And maybe I soon will. An Elite Singles survey recently revealed that singles think that Neighbours is the least attractive TV show that a future partner may like to watch. Say what?! Shut the front door.

And that 67% of singles think that liking the right TV shows can make someone appear more interesting. Now that, that I can agree with. Like Kardashians. If I could just find a man who (would admit to) Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I would be all #soulmate.

The study perhaps also revealed another reason as to why I’m single. The top 3 most attractive shows were:

  1. The Big Bang Theory – favoured by geeks and freaks
  2. Game of Thrones – closet sexual deviants ;p
  3. Criminal Minds – homicidal maniacs in training

Yep, ain’t nobody got time for that….

The Nice But Blah One…

Dollarphotoclub_58045195.jpgI haven’t been dating at all lately. I started a new job recently which is keeping me exceptionally busy and I’m like a man in that I struggle to focus on more than one thing at a time…

But I do have a date story from last month that I have yet to update you about. Following on from the time when I got drunk in the bath and fired up the Tinder machine, I also matched with a baldy. Now, I’m generally not that attracted to a bald man, but this guy had a really nice face, lively sparkly eyes and a great smile.

We started chatting and he lived in the west which is usually not my thing either. He also had a job that sounded a bit…..ummmm….low level?! But he was funny and we both liked burgers and binge watching the same TV series. That is enough right? Right?!?!

We discussed my burger hit list over Tinder and he suggested that we meet up for a burger lunch. Sweet! Two birds and all. But all my burger hit list places are near the city and he lived in Parramatta so was not so keen to commute. I somewhat considered this to be a deal breaker as I would drive at least 3 hours for a burger adventure and I would expect that my future husband would share these life values. Which also raised another potential deal breaker as he drove a Camry….apparently a sporty Camry….is that even a thing?? Actually why the fuck did I go out with this dude?? #destinedtofail….

Anyhoo, we agree to meet at a burger place that I like that is kind of between us geographically. He is early and tells me that he will be waiting out the front of the burger place for me. When I arrive I notice that he is wearing exactly the same purple Ralph Lauren polo that he is wearing in two of his six Tinder pics. I am suspicious it’s his best outfit….

I also notice when I go to kiss him on the cheek hello that he is shorter than me. Again. As usual. Fucking hell why do men struggle so much with measurements?!?! He had told me he was 6 foot. I wore flats. You can’t fool me on this dudes!!! I seriously want to take a measuring tape on my next date and measure the guy when he obviously is deluded about his height. They must learn!!

So I already know this is a fizzer, but he really does have a nice face that I’m quite drawn to. We order, he pays and we take a seat. Chat is easy, light hearted and fun. We finish our burgers after about an hour and he asks if I wanted to get another drink or a coffee.

Although I didn’t feel a spark, I was enjoying his company so I say yes. I buy him a coffee and we spend about another hour chatting. I have to run off to do some negotiating on my contract for my new job, so we hug goodbye and say the usual ‘talk soon’ stuff.

He messages me after the date saying he had fun and is keen to catch up again soon. I didn’t feel like I really liked him BUT I didn’t particularly dislike him apart from the shortness, so as usual I decide if he pursues me I would go on another date with him but I won’t be chasing him.

And I never heard from him again. Oh well…

I’m not exactly crying myself to sleep about it. I’m so totally over online dating though. I just can’t be bothered. So hopefully my unicorn will randomly turn up elsewhere. In the meantime, I’ve joined a car club and had my first track day recently out at Eastern Creek. Out of 98 drivers that day, I was one of only two women. I like those odds!!

A New Dealbreaker

Nutella Box

The Nutella Valentine’s Day Box from Kayter Co. Source: Instagram @kayter_co

I’ve been on a dating hiatus lately. I deleted all of the dating apps from my phone a couple of months ago having decided (for the time being) that online dating was not for me.

I was still in that mindset a few weeks ago, however after I had drunk a bottle of red in the bath one Friday night (you know, the usual) I decided to load up Tinder again just to look at the pictures.

But being a bit/lot tiddly, I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw. Some of these guys looked like fresh stock on the market and were actually quite attractive. I (apparently) swiped right on a number of them…

One I matched with immediately and we started chatting on the app. His name was Keith. Oops. I’ve written before that I can’t “see my future husband as a Wayne, Shane or a Keith” but he seemed like my type in both of his pics.

We had some good chat filled with witty banter that had me laughing out loud for reals (perhaps a little spurred on by the wine though…) and after about an hour of typing I decided that I was in the mood to chat on the phone. I sent him my phone number with the message “you call me now so I can tell if you’re a weirdo or not”. It was almost midnight. In hindsight he may have thought I was calling for some sexy time chat…

When he called I realised he was English. This is also often a no no for me with my teeth concerns. He was not smiling in either pic. Because I was tiddly, I flat out asked him if he had bad teeth because English people so often have bad teeth. He laughed and said no, he has good teeth.

We spoke for about an hour and he also revealed that he is quite political (not my bag) and a real greenie who is quite passionate about climate change. So I’m sure he would love my desire to drive everywhere in my very thirsty car, as well as the amount of water I use/waste in my giant bath tub most nights….

It’s getting late and before we say our goodbyes he asks to take me to brunch in a few days. In between we are txting to organise where we’ll meet. I had told him that I have a foodie list of places that I want to go based on pics that I’ve seen on Instagram, so he suggests we go to one of those places. Awesome! I want to go to this place that does the famous ‘Tella Ball Shakes. It’s a ridiculous milkshake topped off with a Nutella doughnut.

I thought he’d be pretty excited about this prospect too because, Nutella. Turns out he isn’t excited at all as it could kill him. Yep, he has a nut allergy. My heart is broken. No Nutella. No peanut butter. Chocolate is a death trap. So is a lot of bread apparently. These are a few of my favourite things….

We instead arrange to meet at one of my favourite brunch places in Balmain. He messages about 15 mins before we are due to meet to say he is probably running 5-10 mins late. Another big no no in my book, but to his credit he at least told me before and not right on the time we were meant to meet, or even after like most guys do!

I take a table and check out the menu even though I know I’m getting the corn cakes with avocado and crispy, crispy bacon mmmm. When he arrives I get up to give him a kiss on the cheek and I feel quite tall next to him. He told me he was bang on six foot, I’m 5’10” and was wearing flats. Hmmm….

We start with the usual chit chat and he has a quite nice, lively face and a cheeky smile…but there is something unexpected. He has a big gap between his top teeth. To be fair, his teeth are nice, but gap teeth are something I just don’t dig. I know lots of people are into them, famous models have made a career with them, but it’s not for me.

But we have a great meal with lots of good chat, so when he suggests we get another takeaway coffee and take a walk I say yes as I’m genuinely having a fun time with him. We walk down to the park on the water and then back to our cars as both our parking meters are about to run out. He asks if I wanted to do anything else after that, but I had to leave to get some references and things sorted for a job so I head off.

We exchanged a couple of messages later that afternoon, but then it just fizzled and I assume neither of us were keen enough to pursue it which is fine.

It was probably for the best. I wouldn’t have been able to commit to keeping him safe by never eating delicious, delicious Nutella ever again. Mmmmmm nuts….

Bad Dating Stories

I think when I put a shout out for bad date stories, I should have described it as bad ‘dating’ stories as I’ve had some great stories come in that didn’t necessarily involve a date as such.

This reminded me of a story from my early days of dating where I frequently (more like always…) stuffed something up in a hideously embarrassing way.

Back in the olden days when I used to walk 10 miles to school every day, in the snow, barefoot….wait, wrong story…..

Back in the olden days when online dating sites were still new, still taboo and full of nothing but weirdos, I met a guy online somehow. I think it possibly could have been through ICQ or some other chat program that I can’t recall the name of now….

This was when people didn’t use fake profile pics to hide their less than desirable appearance. Instead they used the excuse that they didn’t have a scanner to scan a photo (yes an actual photo) right now, but going by their a/s/l (age/sex/location) and the way that they had described themselves, you were confident that they were most definitely going to be totes hot and all. I’m not sure now why I was surprised that day I met a guy who I had pictured as resembling someone off the cast of Home & Away but he turned up looking like Marilyn Manson….

Anyhoo, I’d met this guy, chatted online to the wee hours one night, got his number and the next day I fired up my Nokia Snake gaming device and gave him a call at an appropriate time. Which of course was never on the hour or half hour as that would appear too ‘scheduled’. I’d wait until the clock clicked over to a totally casual random time like say, 8:07pm to call. I was also sitting in my car in a car park, engine running and some new release song playing quietly on my detachable face Kenwood stereo, you know, just to give off the right kind of ambience. Yep, nailing this…

Dialling. Ringing. Voicemail. Shit. Now I’ve gotta come up with a message that conveys that I’m fun, hot and that I call boys off the internet ALL THE TIME.

I rattle off something cool which impresses the shit out of myself, hit hang up and toss the phone onto the passenger seat. I then proceed to fist pump and say ‘yes, yes, yes…..best message ever’ out loud praising myself for my efforts.

Just as I’m about to pull out of the car space, I look left to check for traffic and notice out of the corner of my eye that the phone screen is lit up…..and the call duration is showing…..and the call duration is increasing!!!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Worst. Message. Ever.

The Gentleman Doth Protest Too Much

Tinder has continued to be full of previous disappointments and those that no doubt would be a future disappointment should I have chosen to meet them.

After some of my recent posts I had people email me or comment on the blog about me being too picky and like most women in Sydney, that I am looking for something that simply does not exist.

Someone wrote to me from a dating consultancy that claims highly eligible Sydney bachelors are struggling to find a lady here but when they open up their search overseas (and not to like Russia or something…), they are inundated with dates.

So obviously there is something wrong with Sydney women. It couldn’t possibly be that Sydney men are below par. Clearly all my sexy single women friends that are highly motivated, have a wicked sense of humour and great lives should think themselves lucky to go on a date with the bloke that looks like he hasn’t brushed his teeth since 1999, hates his job, whinges about it but does nothing to improve the situation and despite being pretty much middle aged, is still desperate for pay day to roll around each month.

Sure, I know you’re going to say that there are loads of decent guys out there that are not like that at all. But let me tell you, there are a shit ton of those losers and they are very active on dating sites!

And yes I do admit that there are some good on paper guys that I’ve met and they seem to tick the boxes, but when it comes down to it, I just don’t want them to tick my box so to speak. As shallow as it sounds, there has to be physical attraction and chemistry for a romantic relationship otherwise he is just like a girlfriend but with the opposite parts. Well that’s how it goes in my rule book anyway…

Recently I talking to a guy on tinder who looked like my type in his pics, sounded like my style in messages and seemed like he was ticking some boxes. When he asked for my number, I decided to ask him the usual deal breaker questions before moving offline.

This started with height. Absolute deal breaker for me. Yes, I remember that the Englishman was a little shorter than me and yes I remember I was really into him, BUT it was a brief dalliance so it remains untested if height would have become an issue down the track.

So I tell him that there are things I like to know before moving to chatting on the phone.  He seems keen to play and says shoot.

I ask him his height.

He responds 5’11”. Ok, not ideal. I do not consider 5’11” tall….

I respond saying cool I’m 5’10”.

And then it all turns to shit. His next message is:

“That’s great. But I’m looking for someone who likes me for who I am, not because I’m a certain height. You may call it practical but it comes across as superficial. Anyway, it’s a real turn off so I’ll respectfully pass on taking things to the next level”.

Hmmm sure as shit that man was actually about 5’7″.

Just imagine how he would have reacted on the 27th question when I asked for a pic of his teeth…..

Tinder – a Slideshow of my Past

I haven’t been doing much dating lately. I felt over online dating so I deleted all the apps and thought I’d prefer to meet someone out and about. But then I got the plague for two months and didn’t go out much at all.

A few weeks back I decided to try an online dating site I hadn’t used before called Elite Singles. It seemed good in theory and I remember discussing it with Ms A who thought that there should be a better calibre of man on there based purely on the branding. Surely all the riff raff would self select themselves out of something called ‘Elite Singles’ as they knew they were not elite.

No. Turns out most men have alarmingly high self esteem. There were many, many men on there that were not elite at all. The worst of which had the style of the guys in Warrant and I was stuck with Sweet Cherry Pie stuck in my head for days.

But after speaking with some of my single girlfriends last week, I was encouraged to give Tinder another look. I loaded the app up again, adjusted my search settings to a nice broad 30-45 age range with 20 kms distance (see I’m being more relaxed on my criteria these days…) and started flicking through.

Within minutes of swiping I was reminded as to why I gave up on Tinder. It is seriously like a fast moving slideshow of my dating past in recent years. It’s always the same people!

Guy I dated once but was dull – swipe left

Guy I spoke with once but was a bad speller – swipe left

Guy who was my very first Tinder date – swipe left

Guy I worked with (and I’m pretty sure he’s married) – swipe left

Guy I dated a few times and he went AWOL (dang it, I assumed he died….) – swipe left

Mike (still 42 surprisingly) – swipe left

Guy who is my friend’s ex – swipe left

6’6″ ‘my share house smells like dog‘ dad- swipe left

Guy I spoke with and he irritated the crap out of me – swipe left

Guy who is definitely my type, if he had 3 more inches – swipe left

Asshole frenchie – swipe left

Guy who is physically my type, but when we chatted was dumb as shit – swipe left

Guy who I spoke with and was a weirdo stalker – swipe left.

Sigh. Happy Groundhog Day!

Dating Disasters – Share Your Story

Recently I was sent a link to the BuzzFeed article 12 First-Date Disasters You’ll Be Glad You Weren’t Part Of by another seriously single in Sydney lady. I eagerly clicked the link thinking, ‘oh yeh, these will make me think I’ve gotten off lightly’, but no, no such luck.

There is a story about a money hungry date – never happened to me, just tight ass dates.

Another about a guy being late – wow, drama. Happens. All. The. Fucking. Time.

One about a guy who doesn’t like reading so he automatically doesn’t make the cut  – so harsh and judgemental to be dismissed for a simple difference in recreational activities. Like, who does that chick think she is……oh yeh, just referring to my list….I’ll be quiet now.

Then one about a whale shark style kisser who obviously had NFI what to do – again, wow, drama. Happens. To. All. Of. Us. Remember the 37 year old virgin?

But then there is a story that is a little unique I think…..but it has happened to me. The wallpaper story is about a girl who goes home to a muso guys place and when he shows her some music on his computer, she notices that her photo is his desktop wallpaper. How very, very awkward.

Weeeeeeeeeelllllllllll, that kinda happened to me in reverse. Unfortunately. On that date with the Englishman where we watched a movie, I suggested we watch something that I had already downloaded. I open my laptop with him sitting next to me and it opens to the last thing I was doing when I shut it earlier that morning, which was syncing my phone. I had downloaded hundreds of pics from my phone and the most recent were showing…….which were some pics he had sent me that day…..and no, they weren’t dick pics but he was in his undies for some reason…..¯\_(ツ)_/¯….. He noticed immediately,  looked at me like I was a total psycho and asked if me I was a bunny boiler.

Ummmm #totesawkward.

Anyhoo, I think the bad dates mentioned in that article are nowhere near what a bad date really is. I want to hear your stories and I’ll even make it worth your while. As a reward for the story that I like the most and for your dating pleasure, the good folk at Durex have kindly offered up a goodie pack of gels and condoms etc. Which could be very useful if you should ever get a date again….depending on how bad your story is!

Email me your bad date story at seriouslysingleinsyd@gmail.com by Sept 15 to be considered. The story will be posted to the blog with your anonymity protected. Australian residents only sorry.

I look forward to reading your tales of woe….and hopefully feeling better about myself in the process ;p

My Arranged Online Marri…Matches

A few weeks ago I received an email from RSVP reminding me that the stamps I had purchased recently were about to expire. RSVP is free to exchange ‘kiss’ messages to gauge interest, but you need to pay for stamps to be able to email people. I had just two days to use them, or lose them.

Before these stamps, I had once purchased a pack of 24 stamps as those sneaky fuckers make bulk buying so damn economical that you can’t say no! If I bought 24, it was only $5 a stamp and I had a year to use them. I thought at the time, well that’s just like buying someone a coffee and I’d always be happy to do that, so I’ll go the bulk pack. That was a mistake as I really struggled to shift those 24 stamps.

History repeated itself with these new stamps. I had been browsing RSVP and saw a guy that I had dismissed on Tinder because he had just one pic and in that pic he looked like he had a giant forehead. Yes, I know what you’re thinking….

Anyhoo, when I saw him again on RSVP I had access to more info than what was displayed on Tinder and I thought he sounded quite interesting and well suited to me. Perhaps there is a lesson there about first impressions? Wait for it….

So I sent him a kiss to see if he was interested, he sent back a positive response, so the ball was in my court to cough up for a stamp so we could email each other.

But you can’t buy just one stamp. Grrrr those sneaky fuckers! The minimum you can buy is 3 stamps, they are $15 each and they expire within 30 days. Sometimes you start talking to someone, realise they are a bore and it fizzles out without meeting. That’s ok at $5 an attempt, $15 is a little more annoying, but if I end up only talking to that one guy in that month, that is $45 just to talk to him. I could call a phone sex line for less….I think?!

But in the spirit of YOLO, I click purchase and I’m away! We exchange those first few boring generic online dating emails and after a week it hadn’t ramped up into anything interesting so I was out. See, the big forehead was a sign….

I looked through RSVP over the next few days but nothing else caught my eye and I then forgot about it until I received the 2 day expiry warning. So I get back on RSVP and look again, but alas there is no interesting new stock on display.

I tell Mr B-Dawg (he requested a cool name?!?) about my plight. He suggests I wildcard it to use the last two stamps and just randomly select someone and see what happens. I tell him I’ve already spoken with all the good ones and there are only undesirable candidates left. He accuses me of being too picky and he does not believe that there are no eligible bachelors left on RSVP.

Well, I’m happy to get a second opinion and particularly a qualified opinion as Mr B-Dawg and I are both into guys. I give him my RSVP login and password and tell him to find me a man!!

I nervously await the result and Mr B-Dawg comments that we have the same taste in men as he can see all the men that I’ve already contacted. Ok, feeling reassured….

When I log in to see who my future husband is, I’m confused by what he thinks my taste in men is. The first guy I see is ‘ladiesgiddyup’. Usually I would dismiss this guy based purely on his douchey mcdouchey username, but he amps up the douche factor with his profile pic which shows him with his hands gesturing to his crotch area. Yeh, I get it dude….

Ok, one wrong turn is ok B-Dawg. Next up is ‘UKclosedmouth’ (obviously not his real name). He looks ok, but I avoid guys from the UK if I can’t see his teeth in his pics as I have experienced too many English folks with feral teeth to risk it again. I know, so judgemental….don’t hate me UK readers!

Next is outdoorsy guy. He is good looking, ruggedly handsome BUT in his main profile picture he is wearing a khaki shirt and the rest of his pics feature him fishing. His profile speaks of loving the outdoors and nature and……camping. Look I love nature too, but from a boat or seaside balcony with a glass of wine. Highly incompatible.

Maybe fourth time lucky? The next guy I’ll admit I’ve looked at a few times before and found his profile pics attractive, BUT both of the pics show him with his mouth shut, no sign of teeth. Other than that he seems to tick my boxes based on his profile. Tall, 35, non-smoker, no kids, not a vegetarian, occasional drinker, possibly smart as he has a post grad education. Ok, we have a winner!

I use stamp number 2 on him and we start emailing. Success!

No. That was short lived. On his second email he told me he worked ‘mixing drugs in a lab and it’s just like cooking, but instead of food I’m using drugs’.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

Maybe it was a legitimate pharmacist job. Maybe he was saving lives. Maybe he was about to cure cancer. Maybe he would have been my unicorn.

BUT he also lived in the Shire (which no one but Shire people like) and that combined with the dodgy job AND the potential lack of teeth was just too big a risk to take ;p