A few weeks ago I received an email from RSVP reminding me that the stamps I had purchased recently were about to expire. RSVP is free to exchange ‘kiss’ messages to gauge interest, but you need to pay for stamps to be able to email people. I had just two days to use them, or lose them.
Before these stamps, I had once purchased a pack of 24 stamps as those sneaky fuckers make bulk buying so damn economical that you can’t say no! If I bought 24, it was only $5 a stamp and I had a year to use them. I thought at the time, well that’s just like buying someone a coffee and I’d always be happy to do that, so I’ll go the bulk pack. That was a mistake as I really struggled to shift those 24 stamps.
History repeated itself with these new stamps. I had been browsing RSVP and saw a guy that I had dismissed on Tinder because he had just one pic and in that pic he looked like he had a giant forehead. Yes, I know what you’re thinking….
Anyhoo, when I saw him again on RSVP I had access to more info than what was displayed on Tinder and I thought he sounded quite interesting and well suited to me. Perhaps there is a lesson there about first impressions? Wait for it….
So I sent him a kiss to see if he was interested, he sent back a positive response, so the ball was in my court to cough up for a stamp so we could email each other.
But you can’t buy just one stamp. Grrrr those sneaky fuckers! The minimum you can buy is 3 stamps, they are $15 each and they expire within 30 days. Sometimes you start talking to someone, realise they are a bore and it fizzles out without meeting. That’s ok at $5 an attempt, $15 is a little more annoying, but if I end up only talking to that one guy in that month, that is $45 just to talk to him. I could call a phone sex line for less….I think?!
But in the spirit of YOLO, I click purchase and I’m away! We exchange those first few boring generic online dating emails and after a week it hadn’t ramped up into anything interesting so I was out. See, the big forehead was a sign….
I looked through RSVP over the next few days but nothing else caught my eye and I then forgot about it until I received the 2 day expiry warning. So I get back on RSVP and look again, but alas there is no interesting new stock on display.
I tell Mr B-Dawg (he requested a cool name?!?) about my plight. He suggests I wildcard it to use the last two stamps and just randomly select someone and see what happens. I tell him I’ve already spoken with all the good ones and there are only undesirable candidates left. He accuses me of being too picky and he does not believe that there are no eligible bachelors left on RSVP.
Well, I’m happy to get a second opinion and particularly a qualified opinion as Mr B-Dawg and I are both into guys. I give him my RSVP login and password and tell him to find me a man!!
I nervously await the result and Mr B-Dawg comments that we have the same taste in men as he can see all the men that I’ve already contacted. Ok, feeling reassured….
When I log in to see who my future husband is, I’m confused by what he thinks my taste in men is. The first guy I see is ‘ladiesgiddyup’. Usually I would dismiss this guy based purely on his douchey mcdouchey username, but he amps up the douche factor with his profile pic which shows him with his hands gesturing to his crotch area. Yeh, I get it dude….
Ok, one wrong turn is ok B-Dawg. Next up is ‘UKclosedmouth’ (obviously not his real name). He looks ok, but I avoid guys from the UK if I can’t see his teeth in his pics as I have experienced too many English folks with feral teeth to risk it again. I know, so judgemental….don’t hate me UK readers!
Next is outdoorsy guy. He is good looking, ruggedly handsome BUT in his main profile picture he is wearing a khaki shirt and the rest of his pics feature him fishing. His profile speaks of loving the outdoors and nature and……camping. Look I love nature too, but from a boat or seaside balcony with a glass of wine. Highly incompatible.
Maybe fourth time lucky? The next guy I’ll admit I’ve looked at a few times before and found his profile pics attractive, BUT both of the pics show him with his mouth shut, no sign of teeth. Other than that he seems to tick my boxes based on his profile. Tall, 35, non-smoker, no kids, not a vegetarian, occasional drinker, possibly smart as he has a post grad education. Ok, we have a winner!
I use stamp number 2 on him and we start emailing. Success!
No. That was short lived. On his second email he told me he worked ‘mixing drugs in a lab and it’s just like cooking, but instead of food I’m using drugs’.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.
Maybe it was a legitimate pharmacist job. Maybe he was saving lives. Maybe he was about to cure cancer. Maybe he would have been my unicorn.
BUT he also lived in the Shire (which no one but Shire people like) and that combined with the dodgy job AND the potential lack of teeth was just too big a risk to take ;p