Things That Make You Go… No.

I was perusing Plenty of Fish (POF) again the other night. I know I’ve said it before, but it is hands down the worst online dating site. Why do I continue to look there? It is also often the most amusing.

I receive a message from a new guy so I check out his profile and notice that he only has one pic up. I’m usually immediately deterred by that, but I was intrigued by his beard and hairy chest as I have a weakness for the manly man. In hindsight his moustache is a little creepy though….

We get chatting and it’s mostly about food, particularly a shared passion for burgers. Well, well, well, I think we are going to get along just fine…

It’s getting late but he asks if he can call me as he is feeling ‘too lazy to type’. Uh huh. I don’t really want to give him my number just yet, so I say goodnight and leave it at that.

He messages first thing in the morning and is keen to chat again, but I’m keen to actually see a pic of him before going any further. I ask him to upload another pic to his profile. It’s amazing how a sexy shirtless, bearded, hairy chest man can suddenly turn into this…

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out. Stupid hat.

I sent the first pic to my friend Mr B and he replies “No face? No Nipple?” I then send the second pic and his response is “Oh that’s so depressing”.

YES!!! He knew he was leading me on with Mr Sexy before revealing Mr Goofy.

New dating rule. Always ask to see face AND to see nipple within 10 messages or less!

Ok, maybe not. But it would feel right at home amongst my list of other random criteria that leads to a yes or no decision when I’m online dating. Other highlights include:

Dumb Face – Just like some women suffer from ‘bitchy resting face’, many men seem to possess ‘duh yep’ face.

Creepy Face – I once worked with someone that was a bit of a weird character and when I told another colleague that they had left, that person said “fuck I’m glad he is gone. He looked like the type that you would go around to his house and there would be ears in his freezer”. Many, many men on Tinder look like ear collectors….

Bad Teeth – I know many a supermodel has made a career with gappy teeth, but I just can’t do it. Nor missing teeth, rabbit teeth, tiny teeth, no teeth…

Short Head – I think I have perfected predicting a man’s height by the size of his head to about a 96.48% accuracy rate. Yes, most probably think head size is not proportional to height. I disagree.

Reflective Clothing – Yes I know, I know….so judgey.

Smokers – I love when smokers include a pic of them flamboyantly sucking on a ciggie or blowing smoke which they obviously think makes them look très cool. No, it doesn’t. Glad we sorted that out early. Swipe left. This also includes the occasional/social, trying to quit smokers. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Lazy Typers – There is absolutely no excuse for typing ‘u’ for ‘you’ anymore. None. Nada. Ok, maybe if you are still using a Nokia 5110 and have to press the 7 key 18 times to get the u. Actually then I wouldn’t date him either as he clearly is a tight ass with tech…

Kids – Firstly I don’t want to date someone with kids, but even so I find it a bit wrong to be including pics of kids in dating profiles for the world to see. Good parenting there…

Outside 15km – As if my soulmate would live that far away. Seriously. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Ok I lie, I usually only search 10km….

Gamers – No. You’re an adult. Stop it. Now.

Motorbikes – Hate them. I once had a very, very embarrassing experience with one whilst on holiday. Never doubling on one again. Plus guys that ride bikes are a different breed I find.

Car Unenthusiasts – Yep, I’m making that a word. If a guy refers to cars as ‘just something to get from A to B’, I’m out. Irreconcilable differences.

Unusual Spelling of a Traditional Name – Ok it’s not their fault i know, but I can’t marry a redneck…

Vegetarians – One word. Bacon.

Non Drinkers – I fear they would be appalled by how much time I spend in the bath drinking wine. And how much wine…

Camping – It’s just dumb.

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11 comments

  1. Goo Wak Jai · July 14, 2015

    So you’re looking for a manly man who doesn’t smoke, like motorbikes, play videogames, go camping, spell like a retard, and doesn’t have kids but who loves alcohol, eats meat, loves cars as more mere transportation and who lives with 10km of where you live?

    Wow….good luck with that. I pray for your sake that whoever actually lives up to those list of requirements doesn’t turn out to be crazy or is unusual in some manner or another that makes you run in the other direction.

    Like

  2. datingflops · July 14, 2015

    I’ve never had any success with POF. Just a bunch of losers really. I know it’s harsh but many of them are just playing games. As with your criteria, mine is similar but your Mr Right could live more than 15km away. If men are genuine, they will travel to see a woman. A month ago I started chats with a man that only had his chest as his pic. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw his face. He drove almost 4 hrs to have dinner with me and I wasn’t disappointed.

    Like

    • seriouslysingleinsyd · July 14, 2015

      POF has a very high proportion of men with ‘high school’ education and although I don’t necessarily think that you need to have gone to uni to have drive and ambition in life, POF seems to prove otherwise.

      What happened with 4 hour drive guy then? I love driving, but not that much…

      Liked by 1 person

      • datingflops · July 14, 2015

        He doesn’t live 4 hrs away. He was working in Canberra. I will be seeing him again 🙂
        POF is bottom of the barrel. It was a waste of time.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. 10km?!

    Like

  4. Anonymous · July 14, 2015

    Err I do hope this post is at least partially satirical right? I mean wow, you can’t be possibly that nit picky?

    Anyways, interested to see what you bring to the table for the opposite sex and what you look like? Maybe one of pics with your face blurred out? I’m sure your fans would all like to meet you!

    Like

  5. Joseph · July 15, 2015

    Something to think about…
    If this is your list of anti-qualities and you’re still single, why would you think your list of anti-qualities is going to bring you a good man? If you are dying to have a good steak but haven’t had one (ever), why would you stick to the same criteria that has done nothing for you but get a long history of eating bad steak? You have a list of what you think is a good man (and a list of what makes a bad man) and yet you’ve never had the good man.

    I understand you believe your list of positive/negatives is what you need to be happy but, having reach the point you’re judging others on the choice of photo they choose to share with you without any given context to the photo it would seem being single is far less about the quality of the men available to you and more about your belief that you are the arbiter of good taste.

    Given your long history of failure finding a good man, why do you continue to hold onto the belief you know a good man when you see one? Maybe you need to get rid of your Sex And The CIty education and instead of exploring the same old qualities that lead to nothing, explore the unknown. Explore the people who might wear a stupid hat once in a while…they might possess qualities you don’t have on your list simply because you didn’t know they existed before. Those new qualities might make all the difference.

    You come across as believing you’re a good catch. Fair enough and you very well may be an amazing catch but you know…I don’t know what I’ve ever come across a man or a woman who saw themselves as a bad catch. If “good catches” aren’t finding you, maybe you’re not a good catch to them. That’s not intended to be an insult and my apologies if you take it as such but we all want to lead the life of the shamelessly wealthy but it takes shameless wealth to do that. If you’re not finding the super amazing guy who never wears a stupid hat and lives nearby maybe you’re not the super amazing woman you might think you are. Maybe you’re shopping for a mansion in Vaucluse but can only afford the flat in Balmain. If you want to date a Brad Pitt then you’ve got to be an Angelina Jolie. Do you have any female friends in a relationship with Jude Law and they’re the less successful version of Kathy Bates?

    Sometimes we need to not be so honest about other’s qualities…and more about our own.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. BecHanson · July 18, 2015

    Ohhh, I could add to that list, ‘other Christian’ (just saying), their previous wife/partner’s hand, arm, cheek, anything half in the shot, tongue poking out (why?), no photo (seriously?), interstate (I’m not going to date a man in Perth – it’s over 3000kms away!) 20 years younger than me, 20 years older than me, the list goes on…..

    Liked by 1 person

  7. datingandhatingsf · August 28, 2015

    LOL short head and camping. I totally agree.

    Liked by 1 person

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