My Arranged Online Marri…Matches

A few weeks ago I received an email from RSVP reminding me that the stamps I had purchased recently were about to expire. RSVP is free to exchange ‘kiss’ messages to gauge interest, but you need to pay for stamps to be able to email people. I had just two days to use them, or lose them.

Before these stamps, I had once purchased a pack of 24 stamps as those sneaky fuckers make bulk buying so damn economical that you can’t say no! If I bought 24, it was only $5 a stamp and I had a year to use them. I thought at the time, well that’s just like buying someone a coffee and I’d always be happy to do that, so I’ll go the bulk pack. That was a mistake as I really struggled to shift those 24 stamps.

History repeated itself with these new stamps. I had been browsing RSVP and saw a guy that I had dismissed on Tinder because he had just one pic and in that pic he looked like he had a giant forehead. Yes, I know what you’re thinking….

Anyhoo, when I saw him again on RSVP I had access to more info than what was displayed on Tinder and I thought he sounded quite interesting and well suited to me. Perhaps there is a lesson there about first impressions? Wait for it….

So I sent him a kiss to see if he was interested, he sent back a positive response, so the ball was in my court to cough up for a stamp so we could email each other.

But you can’t buy just one stamp. Grrrr those sneaky fuckers! The minimum you can buy is 3 stamps, they are $15 each and they expire within 30 days. Sometimes you start talking to someone, realise they are a bore and it fizzles out without meeting. That’s ok at $5 an attempt, $15 is a little more annoying, but if I end up only talking to that one guy in that month, that is $45 just to talk to him. I could call a phone sex line for less….I think?!

But in the spirit of YOLO, I click purchase and I’m away! We exchange those first few boring generic online dating emails and after a week it hadn’t ramped up into anything interesting so I was out. See, the big forehead was a sign….

I looked through RSVP over the next few days but nothing else caught my eye and I then forgot about it until I received the 2 day expiry warning. So I get back on RSVP and look again, but alas there is no interesting new stock on display.

I tell Mr B-Dawg (he requested a cool name?!?) about my plight. He suggests I wildcard it to use the last two stamps and just randomly select someone and see what happens. I tell him I’ve already spoken with all the good ones and there are only undesirable candidates left. He accuses me of being too picky and he does not believe that there are no eligible bachelors left on RSVP.

Well, I’m happy to get a second opinion and particularly a qualified opinion as Mr B-Dawg and I are both into guys. I give him my RSVP login and password and tell him to find me a man!!

I nervously await the result and Mr B-Dawg comments that we have the same taste in men as he can see all the men that I’ve already contacted. Ok, feeling reassured….

When I log in to see who my future husband is, I’m confused by what he thinks my taste in men is. The first guy I see is ‘ladiesgiddyup’. Usually I would dismiss this guy based purely on his douchey mcdouchey username, but he amps up the douche factor with his profile pic which shows him with his hands gesturing to his crotch area. Yeh, I get it dude….

Ok, one wrong turn is ok B-Dawg. Next up is ‘UKclosedmouth’ (obviously not his real name). He looks ok, but I avoid guys from the UK if I can’t see his teeth in his pics as I have experienced too many English folks with feral teeth to risk it again. I know, so judgemental….don’t hate me UK readers!

Next is outdoorsy guy. He is good looking, ruggedly handsome BUT in his main profile picture he is wearing a khaki shirt and the rest of his pics feature him fishing. His profile speaks of loving the outdoors and nature and……camping. Look I love nature too, but from a boat or seaside balcony with a glass of wine. Highly incompatible.

Maybe fourth time lucky? The next guy I’ll admit I’ve looked at a few times before and found his profile pics attractive, BUT both of the pics show him with his mouth shut, no sign of teeth. Other than that he seems to tick my boxes based on his profile. Tall, 35, non-smoker, no kids, not a vegetarian, occasional drinker, possibly smart as he has a post grad education. Ok, we have a winner!

I use stamp number 2 on him and we start emailing. Success!

No. That was short lived. On his second email he told me he worked ‘mixing drugs in a lab and it’s just like cooking, but instead of food I’m using drugs’.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

Maybe it was a legitimate pharmacist job. Maybe he was saving lives. Maybe he was about to cure cancer. Maybe he would have been my unicorn.

BUT he also lived in the Shire (which no one but Shire people like) and that combined with the dodgy job AND the potential lack of teeth was just too big a risk to take ;p

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Things That Make You Go… No.

I was perusing Plenty of Fish (POF) again the other night. I know I’ve said it before, but it is hands down the worst online dating site. Why do I continue to look there? It is also often the most amusing.

I receive a message from a new guy so I check out his profile and notice that he only has one pic up. I’m usually immediately deterred by that, but I was intrigued by his beard and hairy chest as I have a weakness for the manly man. In hindsight his moustache is a little creepy though….

We get chatting and it’s mostly about food, particularly a shared passion for burgers. Well, well, well, I think we are going to get along just fine…

It’s getting late but he asks if he can call me as he is feeling ‘too lazy to type’. Uh huh. I don’t really want to give him my number just yet, so I say goodnight and leave it at that.

He messages first thing in the morning and is keen to chat again, but I’m keen to actually see a pic of him before going any further. I ask him to upload another pic to his profile. It’s amazing how a sexy shirtless, bearded, hairy chest man can suddenly turn into this…

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out. Stupid hat.

I sent the first pic to my friend Mr B and he replies “No face? No Nipple?” I then send the second pic and his response is “Oh that’s so depressing”.

YES!!! He knew he was leading me on with Mr Sexy before revealing Mr Goofy.

New dating rule. Always ask to see face AND to see nipple within 10 messages or less!

Ok, maybe not. But it would feel right at home amongst my list of other random criteria that leads to a yes or no decision when I’m online dating. Other highlights include:

Dumb Face – Just like some women suffer from ‘bitchy resting face’, many men seem to possess ‘duh yep’ face.

Creepy Face – I once worked with someone that was a bit of a weird character and when I told another colleague that they had left, that person said “fuck I’m glad he is gone. He looked like the type that you would go around to his house and there would be ears in his freezer”. Many, many men on Tinder look like ear collectors….

Bad Teeth – I know many a supermodel has made a career with gappy teeth, but I just can’t do it. Nor missing teeth, rabbit teeth, tiny teeth, no teeth…

Short Head – I think I have perfected predicting a man’s height by the size of his head to about a 96.48% accuracy rate. Yes, most probably think head size is not proportional to height. I disagree.

Reflective Clothing – Yes I know, I know….so judgey.

Smokers – I love when smokers include a pic of them flamboyantly sucking on a ciggie or blowing smoke which they obviously think makes them look très cool. No, it doesn’t. Glad we sorted that out early. Swipe left. This also includes the occasional/social, trying to quit smokers. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Lazy Typers – There is absolutely no excuse for typing ‘u’ for ‘you’ anymore. None. Nada. Ok, maybe if you are still using a Nokia 5110 and have to press the 7 key 18 times to get the u. Actually then I wouldn’t date him either as he clearly is a tight ass with tech…

Kids – Firstly I don’t want to date someone with kids, but even so I find it a bit wrong to be including pics of kids in dating profiles for the world to see. Good parenting there…

Outside 15km – As if my soulmate would live that far away. Seriously. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Ok I lie, I usually only search 10km….

Gamers – No. You’re an adult. Stop it. Now.

Motorbikes – Hate them. I once had a very, very embarrassing experience with one whilst on holiday. Never doubling on one again. Plus guys that ride bikes are a different breed I find.

Car Unenthusiasts – Yep, I’m making that a word. If a guy refers to cars as ‘just something to get from A to B’, I’m out. Irreconcilable differences.

Unusual Spelling of a Traditional Name – Ok it’s not their fault i know, but I can’t marry a redneck…

Vegetarians – One word. Bacon.

Non Drinkers – I fear they would be appalled by how much time I spend in the bath drinking wine. And how much wine…

Camping – It’s just dumb.

My Game of 1-100

I have a theory that the men that display bad dating behaviour, you know, things like planning a second or third date with you but ghosting before it happens, do so because they have so much choice. They can easily and quickly meet women near them via Tinder and you can be supposedly ‘upgraded’ and cast aside before you know it.

It’s definitely due to the man drought. Yes, there is a statistically proven man drought in Sydney where women in their 30’s outnumber men, but that’s just accounting for quantity. Compounding the drought impact is that the men that we do have access to are largely of the quality that you wouldn’t even take an Uber ride with, let alone go on a date with.

I never hear anyone say “oh I have this single guy friend who is so smart and nice looking, so funny, has his shit together, wants to meet a nice girl, but just can’t find one”. NEVER. But you hear it all the time about great women looking for a nice guy and I know a number of them!

I’ve met a lot them whilst doing things like speed dating, via this blog and even through Tinder. Yes, the strategist in me decided one day to check out the women on Tinder to see what my competition was like and I ended up befriending a girl. Sure there are a lot of train wreck duds on there, but there seems to be A LOT of quality women too. Dang it…

It appeared that men have an abundance of good options at their disposal if they just take a little time swiping through the occasional lady dud. I assume guys would have a high swipe right strike rate, perhaps they are even at risk of RSI, but I estimated that I swipe right less than 2% of the time.

So when I restarted my Tinder account to find Mike, I decided to put it to the test and play the 1-100 game from Sex and City. In the ep Carrie and Charlotte are sitting at a table outside a cafe and for every man they see walk past, they note down whether they would want to sleep with him based on first impressions.

As I swiped though the Tinder profiles, I screen shotted each of the men and decided based on their first pic only if I would swipe right or not to them. It took less than 15 minutes to get through 100 profiles (those in the pic, blurred for some privacy…) and I was quite surprised by the result.

Out of those 100 men, if I only got to see that one pic I would have swiped right to 14. Maybe Tinder was serving up the most popular profiles because it thought I was a newbie and needed to be wowed, but I was really surprised by liking 14% of the guys.

Of course, although first impressions are a strong factor in dating, it is not everything. I’m not shallow enough / I’m far too picky to make life decisions on just one pic. In fact, if a guy only has one pic I swipe left as I assume that they randomly nailed that one hot pic and they look nothing like that photo. Maybe I have trust issues….

Of those 14 guys, after further investigation into the rest of their profile only 6 continued to hold my interest. I matched with 5 of those 6, but 2 never bothered chatting, 1 was too short, 1 had kids, the last was boring as shit.

From 14 to 0 in record time. The drought continues….

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

Remember how I was obsessed by that Married at First Sight show? Half way through the Aussie series I couldn’t get enough with just my weekly local fix, so I binge watched season 1 & 2 of the U.S. series too.

I find the social experiment fascinating, but I do feel it’s a bit of a Stockholm Syndrome concept forcing two strangers to live together for a month until they ‘love the one you’re with’.

I had many conversations with both single and coupled up girlfriends about the show whilst it was playing out and funnily enough many of the coupled up ones said ‘I’d go on it if I was single’ but not a single single person said the same. I’m calling bullshit on my coupled up friends on that one!

But casting is open for season 2 of the Aussie version and I was contacted this week via the blog asking if I wanted to apply, or if I knew anyone else who would want to. I was also contacted the day before that about another new dating show that apparently takes up very little of your life for filming.

I’m a no to both as I always wonder how these people ever get jobs again after hysterically crying on national TV over a man they’ve known for 3 hours and who is dating 24 other women at the same time. I feel that doesn’t exactly scream ‘works well under pressure’…

I also worked with a guy who was on a reality show a number of years ago but there is still a clip of him on YouTube dancing all sexy in his undies on the show. Once I found this out (and watched the vid….obviously) I struggled to look him in the eye again. *think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts…

So this dating idea is not for me, BUT I really want someone I know to go on these shows so I can live vicariously through them. Don’t worry, you won’t embarrass yourself, you’ll be the exception to the rule….

Ok, who is going to take it for the team???

I’m waiting…

Zero to D*** Pic in 15 minutes

I caught up with Ms S for lunch last week and after updating her on my recent dates, she told me about her friend who is also busy perusing the delightful men on Tinder and how their profiles can be quite ummm….surprising.

Yes surprising. You can just be going about your business thinking he has a big head, swipe left. He has a little head, must be short, swipe left. OMG that is not his head. Well not the one on his shoulders…

But I must say that I have not encountered a dick pic (DP) whilst swiping on Tinder for quite some time. I’m not really complaining, but I do wonder why they have disappeared?

When I first started on Tinder they were quite prolific. Some were more discreet than others. The first pic might be a nice pic of the guy’s face so you stop and look at his other pics. Oh he is wearing a suit in pic 2, very nice. Oh he has a puppy in pic 3, sweet. Then bam, pic 4 is his dick. I wonder if he is DTF? Perhaps I should ask…

Anyhoo, Ms S reminded me of when at her birthday drinks last year I was sharing tales of being a single lady with the coupled up ladies. I showed them a pic a ‘gentleman’ happened to send me that week. In hindsight, it was a very ummm….substantial example of a DP and I never investigated it further, so it may have been a fake…

The group were shocked at how shameless the guy was and when I mentioned how frequently DPs appeared either on profiles or in conversation with a guy, they set me a challenge of getting a new one that night. I said I could do it within 15 mins.

Start the clock!!

I swiped right to some new guys quite indiscrimnately and contacted a few of the matches with suggestive greetings. One took the bait quickly and was out and about in the area and obviously looking for a friend that evening. After a couple of playful messages I flat out asked for a DP. He said he would be happy to oblige and would send it to my phone.

Mission accomplished. Within FIVE minutes.

Of course my phone got passed around so everyone could have a good look. We did feel a little bad for him, so to make him feel better about himself (and because we were tiddly…) we took a photo to return the favour.

Of the group of us ladies each giving him the V sign with tongue…..

I wonder why guys have become shy lately?!

Return of the Mike

Remember Mike? The missing potentially eligible bachelor? A couple of weeks ago as I was rapidly flicking through Tinder, I saw a familiar face flash across my screen. As often happens when you have swiped left 86 times in a row, it is very hard to stop the momentum.

So his profile was gone. Again. Forever….

Ok maybe not. I wasn’t talking to anyone interesting in my matches chat window and curiosity about Mike got the better of me. I restarted my Tinder profile and got back to swiping, but a little more cautiously than before.

It took a good few days of on and off swiping through likely a thousand or more guys, but I eventually saw his profile again.

When I was first talking to Mike he had one profile pic up. We were exchanging phone numbers to line up a meet, but I would have needed to see more than one pic before I decided to do that of course. I’m still scarred from all those bad teeth incidents…..

Anyhoo, his profile now had three pics. And the two new ones were bad. Very bad. In one he was wearing sunglasses. Yes, this is very common with online dating as most people look hot in sunglasses. Most, but not all…

But these were little John Lennon type glasses. So bad. So very bad. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out.

Before I swiped left I noticed something else didn’t look quite right. I thought he was in his late 30’s when we were last talking, but his profile now says he is 42. I check back to my original blog post about him and his profile last time said he was 38. My post was 6 months ago, not 4 years!

Someone commented on the blog post at the time that they thought he sounded dodgy by the way he was randomly on and off tinder. They suggested he was probably married and couldn’t linger on there for fear of getting caught. Perhaps they were right?!?

Or was I about to be catfished by ‘Mike’? Hmmmm that would have made for a more interesting blog post I guess…

Bon Voyage

I was left feeling quite disappointed after date 2 with the Very Cheeky Englishman. Finally a man that I liked (so far, it was very early days…) and who seemed really into me, but he was soon to disappear. What kind of luck is that?! Yet another case of my bad timing with men.

It did raise a lot of questions for me though. Why did his online profile seem to indicate that he was looking for a relationship, but he is about to head overseas for a while? Why did he not tell me that his departure was imminent before we met in person? Or even on our first date? Or to my face on our second date rather than txt bombing me?

Was this why he was so rushed to see me again? Was he really looking to date, or just to seal the deal before he went away? If so, why did he agree to a very non-sex type of date being a weekday lunch? Is his gentleman-like charm genuine, or just an act for a short lived romance before he leaves? Is he leaving at all, or is it just a ruse to expedite some action?

Oh, I don’t know. If I have learned anything from dating it is that men are generally skittish like birds. They are so unpredictable that there is no point agonising over things they do and say until you really know them and you can establish some consistency to their behaviour.

I considered not seeing him again before he left and waiting until he returned (if he did). I actually told him I felt unsure of how genuine he was seeing he didn’t tell me he was leaving until now. His response was that he told me because he liked and respected me and wanted to tell me before things became more involved, but he is definitely coming back so still thought it was worthwhile us starting to date. He also said that if he didn’t care about me at all, he could have omitted the fact he was leaving from our next date and just disappear. Fair point I guess…

But in the end, I knew that I enjoyed his company, that I was crazy attracted to him and that we definitely had chemistry together which so rarely happens, so I decided to just go with it.

The only time our schedules lined up for the weekend was Sunday lunch. He came to pick me up and we went to the nearby rowers club for lunch by the water. He was dressed casually (unfortunately no suit…) but he still looked great.

We eat and have a lovely time, but I certainly feel like I’m acting with some restraint knowing that whatever happens between us is about to be put on pause for a few months. But having said that, under normal circumstances I would have the same restraint anyway. By date 3 I’m not welcoming deep and meaningful conversations about our future together. I’m not thinking about our labrador’s name and side-by-side burial plots. I’m more focused on deciding if I’m having a good time with him, then eventually (approximately date 27….) it will become clear if there is enough between us to really be with him.

Unless I happen to be dating the Bondi Vet. In that instance I’d be snaffling him up off the market toots sweet…

Anyhoo, it’s not a great day weather wise and its getting cold at the club, so we head back to my place for some more wine and to watch a movie. When we get home, he takes his shoes off and I can’t help but notice that they seem like small shoes. Yep, he is definitely only 5’9″ I think at the time, but I refrain from measuring him…

Eventually it is time for him to leave and we don’t really talk about the fact we won’t see each other for a while. Best to leave it on a high note.

We exchange some txts before he leaves and since he has been gone (a bit over a month now) we have been emailing each other every few days. The emails are mostly light and flirty, but he doesn’t have a definite return date as yet. I’m of course not waiting around for him and am continuing to date whilst he is gone, but I would be keen to see him again when (if) he returns – if he is actually even away!