Marilyn Monroe is Sabotaging Me

I often get up to some ridiculous and random things with my friends. This past Friday night was no exception!

Ms E had seen a psychic show advertised and considering we are fascinated by them (with equal parts of cynercisn and optimism), we decided to go check it out. 

So along with Ms K (who is probably 98% cynic) we went out for pizza, gelato, wine and psychics – “these are a few of my favourite things”. 

We arrived late and the show had already started. What rude biatches, they would have known we were on our way….surely?!?

The psychics could not have looked more stereotypically psychic like. One had a Fleetwood Mac vibe with long blonde stringy hair that looked like it hadn’t been trimmed since 1986 and was wearing a purple velour jacket. Another had a flowy top with sequins on and was clutching a crystal ball. The last was wearing a pink sparkly kaftan, a long hair piece ponytail and came out dancing and clapping together what I assume were chakra sticks. Oh this will be fun!!

Both of the psychics were complete rubbish and clearly fraudsters of the Mentalist variety! They moved through the room picking people that they were supposedly drawn to and asked question after question, generally guessing the wrong things as the subjects continually said ‘no that’s not right’. 

But Purple Velour was not a psychic, she was a Feng Shui expert. Ok, I’m listening….

I’ve read about feng shui a bit, but frankly it all sounded a bit too ‘moonbeams, rainbows and mung beans’ for my liking. Purple Velour gave us a talk about using feng shui for love, particularly what not to do and it seems that Ms E and I are single because of our decorating style. Obviously. Why didn’t we think of that?!?

So things that are bad: 

White in the bedroom – too crisp, cool, not warm enough for luuuuuuurve. However, I may be offsetting this one as apparently reds, pinks, purples and golds add warmth and passion and I have lots of purple cushions on my bed. Lots. Too many perhaps. 

Cluttered bedsides – apparently I’m doing well with matching bedside tables and lamps, but the fact those bedsides are generally full with candles, my laptop, iPad, books, jewellery etc it is bad, bad, bad!

Not making the bed – I pretty much make the bed most days, but there is the odd occasion I leave it as is. No more!

Odd numbers – everything should be in a pair. No odd numbers as that attracts being single rather than being part of a couple. Now I have a lot of candles that are lone soldiers, but I also have many sets of three. If this tip was really that powerful, I can’t understand why I’m not having more threesomes. Ok. Any.

Sleeping with an ensuite door open – drains energy from the bedroom apparently. Must shut that tonight!

Images of single women – surrounding yourself with images of single women projects what you want to be. Fail! I have this painting of Marilyn Monroe looking all gorgeous and sexy in the living room which I love, but clearly she has been ruining my love life!! I also have these retro champagne posters in my hallway – featuring women all alone (although they too are sexy women). The suggested fix for this was to display pictures of a happy couple. Ms K at this point asked if I’d like a massive wedding photo of her and her husband to display on her wall. Ummmmm thanks but…..

Tv in the bedroom – this always comes up as a passion killer, but I adamently disagree! I actually love my bedroom, I’ve always thought that it has quite a relaxing, comfy vibe and it’s nice to lay down and watch a movie in….particularly with spooning….particularly with ice-cream spooning too. Ooohhh what a fantasy….

Anyhoo, Maz is staying on the wall as I love, love, love her. What’s the worst that could happen? Some sexy buxom blonde comes into my life?!? I’m willing to take that chance!

But I did clear my bedside tables and remove my threesome candles from my bedroom this morning before leaving the house.

I also googled some more feng shui tips during a lull in class at uni today. Apparently if I turn on both my bedside table lamps at the same time every night, leave them on for at least 3 hours and turn them off at the same time every night for 27 consecutive days, my unicorn will instantly appear! 


  1. cotswoldsgirl · March 7, 2015

    Pmsl. Right, so the weekends I fancy a threesome I’ll get clustering my shit in threes, ha ha ha ha! Thanks for the amusement!


  2. Pingback: New Pyschic Says | Seriously Single in Sydney

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