I Did a Bad Bad Thing….

Beautiful vampire with black robe

I have a confession to make. I have done something to a guy that I hate being done to me. I’ve ranted and raved about it before too.

I went AWOL.

Yes, with the trampoliner I had the best intentions the day after my post where I decided that I didn’t like him to actually tell him that I was no longer interested. But I got busy, I got distracted and I just forgot to message him.

When we last spoke, it was a bit of a dull conversation so I would think that he would have noticed that things were not going as well as it had been and that things were heading in the direction that it went. But he did ask at the end of that call about  how my week ahead looked and when I would ‘have time to see him’. Even the way he worded that made him sound a little pathetic.

I kinda fobbed him off as I was really busy that week, then I had quite a lot already planned for the weekend and I didn’t really want to see him on Valentines Day, especially for Date 4. It might have given him too much encouragement….

I did tell him that I would let him know when I was free and we ended the conversation at that. That was the last interaction I had with him.

So it’s not like he has been sending me messages and I’ve been ignoring him, he hasn’t messaged me at all. But I feel bad. It really isn’t hard to send a txt msg to someone saying that you’re not interested, just so they know. I’ve always found it quite freeing when you (or the other person) calls it quits rather than to have something linger on and on where one person may be kept wondering.

So I am fearful what this display of poor dating behaviour on my behalf has done to my dating karma. I hope it doesn’t mean that my future husband will have a little sausage ;p

PS – Here is a link to Chris Isaak’s ‘Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing’ song. It’s in my head, it’s awesome and I had a little crush on Chris Isaak back in the day. There is definitely something a little sexy about him….

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Advice From an Ex

A few weeks ago before deleting Tinder, an ex from about 13 yrs ago (sheesh!) came up on my screen as I was rapid fire swiping left, left, left. Mr P and I had reconnected via Facebook a few years ago and have occasionally chatted since. I sent him a msg telling him that I had seen his profile and asked how he was going with Tinder, but he hadn’t long been on it so hadn’t formed much of an opinion yet.

I always have an opinion (of course) and told him (in the nicest possible way) that I thought his profile could do with some work. Funnily enough he didn’t even know that he had a profile on there. As a typical male (you know it’s true Mr P) he loaded up the Tinder app, connected his Facebook account and got straight to checking out the pics of the chicks!

I recommended that he change his own pics as Tinder had just taken a series of his profile pics which included one of him looking all coupley with his ex and that rings alarm bells to me on a guy’s profile. I always assume that the guy is in a relationship and just playing. I also suggested he get a selfie stick to facilitate a killer profile pic photo shoot! Then I said he needed a blurb on his profile and suggested that he mention his height as he is 6’5″ and chicks love that shit ;p

He of course had some feedback for me too. But I have been getting good results from my latest profile, often I was complimented on the content, seeeeeeeee:

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Nailed it! Ok, almost. Note to self, people really don’t understand how cool selfie sticks are….

Anyhoo, Mr P’s advice to me was ‘don’t put negatives in…keep it happy & upbeat or the dumb bubbly blonde down the road may get your man instead’. I have been told this before, but I did feel that including negatives with a dose of humour and dash of sarcasm actually negated that point.

But I may consider this advice more carefully when uni is done and I’ve got time to jump on the dating bandwagon again. Mr P also shared with me a Ted Talk vid that he thought I would find insightful for my husband hunt. It’s about this woman in the USA who is a data nerd and was frustrated by finding unicorn’s on online dating sites, only to have them reject her. She even went on a hideous date that the man ordered a ridiculous amount of food and wine over dinner, then went to the bathroom and never returned leaving her with a massive bill (I guess my disaster dates could actually be worse). So she applied her analytics skills to working out what the men that she really wanted were looking for, what features in a profile attracted them (positive language was one of those factors) and once she cracked that, working out a points system that she used to evaluate if a man was worth a date, a relationship, marriage etc.

The vid is 18 mins long, but worth a look….if you’re into that kind of thing ;p

The List – the Top 16

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On the last day of work last year I was driving home with Ms A and we were discussing my dates over the previous few months, the different qualities that each of them had and why they weren’t my future husband.

Ms A attempted to check the guys off against the Top 5 list of criteria that I was asked to specify when I signed up to the Executive Matchmaker, but it had been a while since then and it was stretching my memory to remember what was in the Top 5. I started rattling off things and realised by the 8th item that I could keep going for quite a while.

The original Top 5 was:

1. Intelligent

2. Funny

3. Tall

4. Nice teeth

5. No kids

Which are certainly right up there in priority of what I’m looking for, but seeing the whole Executive Matchmaker thing was rubbish and they clearly didn’t know shit, I’ve revisited the list without the constraint of a 5 item cap and I’ve determined that I need a Top 16.

1. Tall – 6ft plus

2. Funny

3. Intelligent

4. Successful

5. Ambitious / motivated in life

6. Has shit together

7. Would fit in with family AND friends (it’s often been one or the other…or neither)

8. No kids

9. Wants kids at some point

10. 33-42ish (although I previously thought up to 45, that IVF Single Women Sperm Donor session that I went to revealed that a man’s sperm quality erodes significantly from 43, with a higher chance of birth defects etc, so unless he’s got some frozen somewhere to add to my likely frozen eggs by that stage in a few years time…which is totes awks to ask on a first date…it’s probably not going to work)

11. A ‘manly’ man

12. Nice teeth

13. A bit of a foodie

14. Definitely not a vegetarian – pizza with 5 different types of meat on it drives me wild

15. Not a non-drinker – wine is one of my favourite pastimes

16. Non-smoker

I also would like to put ’17. In to cars’ on the list but really, I could probably concede on that fact. If I had to…

At least that gives me the criteria to know for sure when I’ve found my Unicorn – the one that meets the whole Top 17!

Date #4 – Maybe Not

Over the weekend I received a few emails from you guys asking for an update about the Mr M situation and for details about how date #4 went. I also was asked by many people at work today for the latest news. I think you all may be more interested in Mr M than I am now….

Uni is keeping me crazy busy at the moment. So much so, that I have even deleted Tinder for the moment as I just don’t have the time for it, or even to meet up with anyone if I did actually find someone cool on there.

I was also quite distracted last week by a former flame. I haven’t really written about this guy, but when he turned up he was the first guy in a long time that I really liked and thought I could get serious with. But it was a case of bad timing as his job plans were uncertain at the time and it was entirely likely that he’d move interstate or potentially overseas for work at some point. We dated for about 5 months, my friends debated with me if we were actually going out or just dating as we seemed to discuss/argue about ‘relationship’ type issues, but I always had in the back of my mind that I couldn’t be all in until I knew whether he’d stay or go.

He went, but 18 months later we still txt almost daily, talk regularly and occasionally catch up, as we did this past weekend. It was great to see him, we get along really well, same lame sense of humour but it’s one of those ‘wasn’t meant to be’ situations and he’s looking again at maybe moving overseas in a few months time.

So Mr M wasn’t exactly on my mind. He was also distracted himself on a bucks weekend over the weekend, but we chatted last night and I found myself drifting off during the convo. I can’t pinpoint what exactly it is that has made me switch off him, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.

Actually, there was one thing that he did on the trampolining date that really pissed me off, but I think I tried to block it from my memory as I didn’t share it with you. When we got gelato after the trampolining, we were out the front of the store and I was trying to get a photo of my gelato for Instagram (cause that’s how I roll) but it was melting, I was struggling with my giant iPhone, and he was (I think) trying to be sweet saying ‘try my white chocolate gelato’. He held out some on his spoon and as I was going ahhhh awaiting the airplane to land in my mouth, he flicked the spoon up into my nose. Intentionally. Oh it’s so fucking bad. There’s the pinpoint! Now I remember why I didn’t tell you this. I think he got his dating tricks from some bad rom com chick flick. And I like chick flicks, but this is ‘Win a Date with Tad Hamilton’ bad. 0 stars.

He then said ‘oops I didn’t mean that’ and giggled which I’m sure in a rom com I’m meant to go all weak at the knees at, but it made me feel violent. I wanted to knee cap him. And then hold him down and stuff his mouth full of the stupid orange trampolining socks that we had to wear….

Ok, I’m out. I’ll tell him tomorrow it’s not me it’s him and to never, never, ever put gelato up a girl’s nose.

That boy has gotta learn!

Oh and I realised yesterday I completely forgot about the bearded rockstar last Thursday night. He must not have been in class. Or maybe he shaved his beard off and I didn’t notice him?!? I’m presenting this week. I hope I don’t lose my cool in front of hot stuff…..

Stimulating the Competitive Nature of Men

Arm Wrestle

At the end of last year I had a few weeks of holidays from uni which meant that I had way too much time on my hands all of a sudden. During the year we usually get 1 week off in between the 4 x 11 week terms, which isn’t really enough time to notice that you all of a sudden are getting more sleep, seeing friends more, watching a heap of trashy TV….

But with 5 weeks off this time and being seriously single and ready to mingle, I was investing quite a lot of my time swiping through Tinder profiles. Inevitably I would start a conversation with a guy that appeared like a good match but at some point, sometimes quickly sometimes many, many messages or even days later, he mentioned something that was a deal breaker and I would hit the unmatch button.

That process soon became rather boring. I would much prefer to waste my time watching Neighbours or playing Candy Crush for hours rather than talk to someone with highly undesirable characteristics. You know, major stuff like being a vegetarian. Ok, I can see the vegetarians unsubscribing from my blog already, BUT the smell of bacon cooking is one of the most amazing smells in the entire universe, especially when combined with onion and garlic and I’m not prepared to live my life without it ok….

Anyhoo, to avoid this situation continually repeating itself, I decided to get real in the ‘About Me’ section of my profile and lay it right out there as to what I was looking for:

“I unapologetically like men who are tall, smart, successful, witty, childless and have their shit together.

Oh and have nice teeth….

Me: 5’10”, non-smoker, no kids, shit completely assembled by oneself from flat pack (one screw leftover, probably not essential, maybe instructions were wrong?!?), love cars (but not a revhead), hate cats, mandarins & vegetarians.”

I gained some interesting insight about men by doing this. Firstly, I’m sure there are plenty of men that see the fact that I’m boldly stating what I want in a man indicating that I’m the ‘demanding’ type, so they just wouldn’t be interested. Good.

Perhaps it is even somewhat intimidating that I want, no expect, a successful man. But if he can’t handle that expectation in a profile, I’d be rather glad that he’d swipe left as he wouldn’t have enough balls for me to be remotely attracted to him.

Also, if he can’t self identify with those characteristics, he is also someone that I’m unlikely to dig. However the problem with self identification is that ‘successful’ is a broad statement. It has been quite an eye opener as to what some men classify as being successful. Living by yourself and doing your own washing and cooking – not successful. Actually come to think of it, they’d also fail on the whole smart thing there too…

But having this info on my profile does prompt the conversation of ‘do you meet my criteria’ really early on in the piece. There is no time wasting going on as the men are usually eager to profess how they meet my criteria in the first one or two messages. Many seem to like to try and convince me that they well exceed my criteria – yes competing against standards that they themselves didn’t even set!

Do you remember Mike? Mike is the one that I’ve lost twice – alas, the one that got away…..then came back…..then got away….but may come back?!? For a few days after I lost him the second time, I put a comment on my profile to encourage him to rematch me just in case he thought that I actually did get his number when he sent it, but just ignored him. It went something like:

“Mike, you disappeared before I could get your number!”

All the other guys that I was matching with thereafter were seeing this message and although no one knew who Mike was, they all instinctively knew that they were better than him! I even matched with another Mike and he told me that he could guarantee that he was “118% better than my previous Mike…..and 3 inches longer”. Well, I give him credit for ticking the funny box…..

My new profile blurb did still attract some unsuitable candidates though. These were the negotiators. My favourite was the guy who claimed that he met 51% of my criteria, but had many other attractive qualities that would offset the other 49%. I don’t think I would concede on de-scoping even 10% of requirements really, but I was intrigued. Turns out he had kids. Lots of them. 5 in fact.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m out…….

An Instagram Love Story

Story of love

Last week over a coffee I was debriefing Ms A with all the details on Mr M before our third date. I was telling her all the things that I liked about him, like that he was funny, sweet and gentleman like. But of course as there always is, there were also a few things I wasn’t so enamoured with, such as his lack of interest in cars.

Ok, stop rolling your eyes. I can see you doing it! I know that you’re thinking I’m being too picky and that not liking cars isn’t a fundamental character flaw, but it does rule out a lot of my conversation topics! Ms A dismissed my concerns as ridiculous, so I turned to Ms S instead for an answer that I may be more agreeable to.

Ms S shares my passion for cars and we talk wheels more often than most chicks would ever in their lives I’d say. Ms S at least has some authority on the matter having held the prestigious title of owning the fastest Corolla in Australia in her heyday. I was lamenting that I so often feel more blokey than the guy I’m dating because he’d rather ride a push bike than race a car, when she suggested that I should join a BMW car club to meet guys who are obviously into cars and have nice ones too!

Ok, I’m listening Ms S….tell me more. But I’ve been there, done BMW. I told her I’m more aspirational than that and that I was going to join the Maserati club. She shot that idea down by telling me that you’re meant to join the car club of the car you have of course. Bummer….

So that idea was all too hard, but it did get me thinking that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to hang out where the men that I’m most likely to be attracted to hang out. I’ve recently become an Instagram freak (very, very late adopter I know….) and I was suddenly reminded of an awesome story.

A couple I know, Ms K & Mr C met on Instagram based on a shared love of the 50’s. They had started following each other on Instagram and one night whilst out shopping at her local shopping centre, the online world turned offline for Ms K when she saw Mr C in person and instantly recognised him. This kept happening until one day Mr C saw her too, they smiled at each other and said hello, but Ms K is incredibly sweet and she got all shy and ran for her car!

She knew from Instagram that Mr C was in a relationship, but as time went on Instagram also revealed that the relationship had ended. They soon became Facebook friends and eventually Mr C asked Ms K on a date, then another, and another etc.

Great story huh?!

So I decided to give this avenue a go over the past week in an attempt to meet my unicorn man. I started following all the car brands that I like and posted a few pics of my car, tagging them up with hashtags that might attract the attention that I desire!

I also started clicking on photos of hot cars that were coming up in my feed to check out the profile of who was posting them and determine if they were as hot as their car. Generally they weren’t, not even close. Or they had a pic of their skanky girlfriend on the bonnet. Or worse, the car had a child seat…

So far my strategy has been quite unsuccessful. Mostly I’m getting 16-22 year old boys liking my pics and following me. Not really my target demographic, but hey, its nice to be popular I guess ;p

Date #3 – The one where we get all hot and sweaty

Date #3 with Mr M happened today. We originally were planning on going out to dinner Friday night, but uni was a killer this week with a few late nights up to 2am reading long winded Harvard Business Review case studies, so I pulled the pin on the date early Friday morning. I hate doing that to someone as I really hate people bailing on me at the last minute, but I was spent!

I had a ripper weekend last week for the Australia Day long weekend so I was already planning a quiet weekend and was pretty free, but he has family here from interstate, so a daytime date today was in order. We have discussed at length how I like to find random fun stuff to do, so when we spoke to line up the date yesterday he said he wanted to check out a few things and let me know.

Later in the day he told me that he’d found something and that I should ‘dress sporty’. Cue, the SeriouslySingle freak out! I do not ‘dress sporty’. My best attempt is probably wearing my black Nikes that have fancy white and fluro coral trim on them with jeans – and I still feel a bit Jerry Seinfeld doing it even though they are black!

jerrrry-1374855056

So I reply ‘how sporty is sporty?’ He replies ‘well you don’t need a fluro headband, but you may get a little sweaty’. Okaaaaay…..

I was kinda excited by the idea of a surprise though and thought it was cool of Mr M to run with it, but it raised so many questions for me. Should I wear makeup? It’s a date so I think yes, BUT on occasions where I’ve stopped off to do the bay run on the way home from work, I often return to the car after an hour of huffy puffy and see Alice Cooper looking back at me in the rear view mirror….

Alice Cooper

Should I wear a sports bra? Ladies, we all know you gotta fight the bounce and as Serena puts it ‘avoid unexpected turbulence’, but sports bras often give your boobs a VERY unflattering shape….

Source: Berlei

But turns out the answer to that question should have been yes. I meet him at his place (out the front of his apartment complex) as its on the way to our secret activity. He is dressed super casual (including lily white legs, yay we both have ‘corpse’ coloured tans…) and comments that I look ‘very pretty’ (with my perfectly straight and bouncy hair which typically magically morphed into ‘best hair day ever’ standard on a day where it will just go to waste…)

We drive a little and he navigates from his phone rather than putting the address on my sat nav in the car to keep me in suspense. He soon tells me to turn right into a big business complex and that we are ‘here’. All I can see is an Officeworks and I ask him if that is where we are going. He says ‘yes, I hope you like stationery’. Actually yes I do! Kikki K and Typo rock my world just a little….oooh how I love a good highlighter!

But no, he says to keep driving. I next notice a Jaguar dealership. One of my most perfect ‘day out’ things to do is test drive hot cars that I have no intention to buy….but I know this guy is into motorbikes, not really cars unfortunately, so I highly doubt that that was even on his radar. He did tell me he liked my car as soon as he got in it though, but I presume that was just because he knows I love my Black Betty dearly.

Further along there is a Harley Davidson dealership. Oh no. My last Harley experience was a joy ride around Uluru a few years back and I hated every single moment. Right up to when in attempting to dismount the bike at the end of the ride, I accidentally kicked the bikie in the back of the helmet, we both fell off and the bike ate the red desert dirt….. Honestly one of the most embarrassing moments of my life! And there have been so many to choose from….

But no, we keep going and wait for it……….we are going trampolining. Yep, I should have worn that sports bra damn it!!! But it’s a pretty cool idea! I’d not even mentioned it to him, but I had been talking about going with Ms K a few months back and we never got there so I was keen to try it out. He has prebooked and already bought us both the special jumping socks, so we sit down with a drink to catch up before we head out.

I do have some hesitation about this as a date activity though. I am not all that coordinated. Ok that is a complete understatement. I once broke my ankle. Walking. It needed immediate surgery, a metal plate, a pin and about 5 screws. Ok, I was drunk, but really I was just WALKING. But on a positive note, that sucker is so reinforced, nothing can stop me now!! Wait, I have two of those. Fuck. Can you get optional ankle optimisation surgery? Those little boney body parts are not structurally sound at all. I digress….

Is anyone still reading?

You just want to get to the good bit don’t you?

Praise the lord for click-bait headlines!

Anyhoo, we get out to the trampoline area and he is busting to go to the foam pit area first. He has been trampolining with his nephew before and obviously knows what the fuck he is doing as immediately takes a run up, does a somersault off the end and lands perfectly in the pit. I immediate regret not crashing the car on the way here. WTF have I done?!? Would he notice if I hid in the toilets for the hour? Shit, 59 minutes left of this….

Oh it’s my turn. Oh goody! How hard could it be?? Seriously. I try to mimic his run off technique and as soon as I leave the solid floor and take my first bounce on the trampoline, which was FAR more bouncy than I expected, I get the wobbles and almost take out the 3 yr old on the mat next to me. Then I get in trouble from the gorgeous 15 yr old staff chick wearing super short shorts (you know, the ones where you see more butt cheek than short….) that is monitoring our safety with her saying ‘I said only one person per trampoline please’. What part of my uncontrolled bounce, flailing arms and girly squeal made you think that that manoeuvre was intentional love?

So I backtrack and legitimately think I can pull this together. I bounce a few times on the mat, then jump in. Ok done! Phew. No lives were endangered in that attempt. But then I try to climb out. Hmmm this is harder than I expected. I’m sinking. My socks are sticking to the foam bricks and sliding off my feet. I get to the edge of the pit to climb back onto the tramp mat, just like I’ve seen the 3 yr old do, but I’m on struggle street! Surely there is a ladder like on the edge of a pool? At this stage I’m trying rather inelegantly to roll out of the pit and over the edge of the tramp mat when I look up and realise that Mr M is filming this on his phone. And pissing himself laughing. I tell him off and dob him in to Short Shorts and ask her to make him stop filming and help me. She actually does give this a go (once she stops laughing at me) but he keeps filming my ordeal for another min or two!

Eventually he comes to help and pulls me out of the pit. So embarrassing. Then we go to the basketball tramps. He attempts dunking. Nails it. I attempt it and hit the net wall on the way down to the ring, bounce off awkwardly and almost smash my face into the ring whilst over-correcting. Honestly, do I have any athletic ability at all? Any?!??

Next we go to the massive area that has about 30 mats joined together. What could go wrong here? Mr M takes off bouncing from one mat to another with ease. I follow, bounce off the first one, land on the second, face plant on the third. Mr M turns around about 10 mats away and sees me face down. Fortunately he didn’t see that particular stack as it was epic, but he gets to share a similar joy numerous times anyway.

I tried, I failed and I cant stand doing things that I’m not somewhat naturally good at and with the hour long session due to end in 10 minutes, I give up. It was a really fun and absolutely hilarious idea, but I couldn’t help but think whilst bouncing on one spot as that was all I could master, that this wasn’t the hot and sweaty activity that many would expect from a third date…

RSVP Sex Stats

Source: RSVP via The Age (note that is a total of 48/49% ok….)

We head off to get some lunch, but we both aren’t really that hungry so end up going for gelato at this awesome place I’ve been wanting to try for ages. We sit and chat for a while (including watching that horrendous video he took of me in the foam pit), but I need to get home to do some uni work and he has his visitors soon, so I drop him home. He asks about my week ahead to see when we can catch up again, so despite my lack of sporting prowess, he still digs me!

Date #4 is on it’s way 😉