So like most new age singletons, I’ve given online dating a go. When I say a go, I mean that I have spent many hours trawling the various sites looking for someone that the reason that they are single isn’t immediately and abundantly clear from their profile.
There are a few tried and true things that I can rely on to exist in a guy’s profile – always at least one of these, often a combination:
The hat pic
If a guy is wearing a hat in his first profile pic, there is a 99.3% chance that he is bald. Not that that really matters guys, but you are fooling no one.
The tiger pic
Especially true for Tinder, everyone has been to Thailand and patted a tiger. Oooooh how strong and manly you must be to wrestle drugged up tigers at tourist attractions! I want to have your baby. Now.
The motorcycle/surfboard/skydiving pic
Honestly life with you must be so action packed and full of adventure. I can’t imagine that you ever sit on the couch scratching your balls…
The tattoo pic
Chicks apparently dig guys that look like Chopper Read.
All guys go to the gym. All the time. It’s a gun show everyday.
The intelligence test
Now this I actually like on profiles. If a guy can’t work out what the red squiggly line is beneath a word, or the difference between there/their/they’re, I know he is to stupid to ride this ride.
‘Trying to quit’ smokers
Despite my profile stating that I am only interested in non-smokers, the Nicabate crew seem to think I’ll relent. I guess the pool of smokers is becoming too small these days and they need to look further afield. Perhaps governments should use that as an anti-smoking campaign – “You won’t be able to get even an online date if you don’t quit….”
Many profiles (especially those on the AYI – Are You Interested app) look like they are auditioning for Australia’s Next Top Criminal. Pass….
Tight Ass Tuesday
On RSVP you need to buy stamps to communicate with the potential love of your life once they indicate they are interested in you. The amount of guys that try to ‘dodge the system’ by cryptically embedding their email address in their profile is ridiculous. Oooh I wonder if he will pay on our first date?!? I’m getting the feeling he is the romantic type!!
I have no doubt that online dating can work. I have met one or two decent guys off RSVP in the past, but it’s needle in a haystack stuff.
As per my favourite quote ‘online dating is a lot like looking for a Ferrari in a Datsun dealership’, unfortunately there are a lot of used and abused banged up shitters to test drive ;p